Sleep does not come easily to the active mind, to the tortured soul, to the lonely heart...so here I sit writing my thoughts as they come. I listen to Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band, a dark tune that speaks to the permanence of death, but at the same time how we each see the possibility of an afterlife of some sort, and that hence we need to have enough space to feel the rain through our coffin.

The afterlife does not frighten me, rather it is this life that gives me pause. This is the difficult step in our existence, to follow God in His paths on this earth where there appear so many other more appealing options, where we can make our own will the ruling force in our lives and supposedly create and control our own happiness. If only it were so easy....the truth lies somewhere closer to the reality that the moment we let go of our own will, and conform it to the will of God as best we can interpret according to our hearts placed in Him, then and only then will we find happiness. I laugh at the quote from St. Augustine which states, "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet!" for isn't this how we often give our wills to Christ? Here you are Lord, this isn't everything, but I will give the rest to you in a little bit. I of course have no room to criticize Augustine for he ultimately attained sainthood, and alas we are still but sinners living in a broken world.

The beauty of this life though, is that it can be beautiful and good...If we are willing to give up everything, we can receive everything, for God wants nothing more than to fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts. He and only He knows what they are, for we can only catch glimpses, and can speak with no certainty on the topic. Imagine how much more joy we could have in this world if only we would give up our wills, and let this reflect in our daily lives! We would always be there for one another, sharing and aiding, and always looking to the best of the other. There is a beauty here though, that cannot be realized completely in this fallen world, and that we will only see in the next. Let us then try as we can, with the promise of its realization on the other side, to build it here, and in the process to draw nearer to God, and thereby experience all the joy with which he wants to fill our hearts.

I love you all, and want you to know that I will be there for you as much as I can. May God bless you, and may He always bring you to my mind in prayer. In Him I remain...