First of all, please do not think that I am in any way suicidal, I am in New Zealand for goodness sake! However this question seems constantly to enter my mind. The deepness of the implications are very interesting. God ostensibly provides some answers, but then when I set down to analyzing and thinking about all of the implications of God and creation, and the Tradition that He has handed down to us through the Catholic Church, it all gets a bit muddled. Then for the moment, the only answers that I seem to be receiving to my myriad questions, amount to "You think too much," or "Don't over-analyze, it will lead you somewhere you do not want to be." However I believe that the strength of joy that I formerly felt and now at occasions feel for life stemmed from my very devotion to this God and His prescribed ways for living life. One day I discovered that I had strayed from the path as it were, and now I feel completely lost. It is as if the standards set are exclusive, and do not allow us even to forgive ourselves. In theory there is forgiveness available, but then again there have long been times when this forgiveness hinged on the whims of men, and not of God. What is this faith that we have been given? Why do I still feel it so strongly in spite of all of my doubts? Why can I not just cast myself into the first job, career, or vocation that presents itself? Why do I keep asking questions long after others would have resigned themselves to one solution or answer. What is life for?
Neither I, nor any one of us asked to be born into this world. And yet I have found myself wandering the land, now long and far, seeking the answers to how to live a good and fulfilling life. Distracting myself from reality have not proven answers for me. Nor has immersing myself in relationships, whether by choice or by chance. It seems that life is simply a muddled confusion for us all. There are clues, but no cut and dry solution to the mystery of life.
What are we here for? What good can we bring about upon this earth during the short time during which it has been ordained that we should roam it? What should any one of us seek for other than to make the most of the time that we have been given in the way that we individually see fit?
I desire something more, and yet despite my quest to find it, find myself uncertain of what that means. And so I find myself making promises that I cannot keep, and following roads that I know I may not want in my heart of hearts, but that are there before me and represent some way of avoiding the constance of thought and contemplation that ever plagues my mind and soul. Peace I suppose I desire, but patience must precede this peace. And as I recently learned the word "patience" is derived from the Latin "patiens" meaning "to suffer." Thus patience is lingusticially linked to suffering, and I find it to be no coincidence.
Thus I keep searching and asking questions; at this point at almost the farthest possible reaches from where I draw my roots. I thank God for the opportunity to be here, but also ask that He help clarify the path for us all, might reveal to us in our hearts what we might do, in order that more of us might lead lives on fire; might captivate the attention of our respective nations; and might tranform the face of the world into the future!
For this I hope and pray. For this I hope my life might serve.
