Is it bad to say that I don't care anymore? How can one be so motivated one day and so uninspired the next? Please don't take this the wrong way, I am fine, but simply consider the question. We here spend our lives building our resumes and impressing people, always inordinately aware of the effect that we are having on people and the subsequent impressions that they are developing about us. Certainly, in the context of this temporal world, these impressions and opinions are significant, but how come I cannot bring myself to mind? Anyone I could cite as a reference would speak well of my character and my ability to see the world so clearly, to enter into a startlingly surprising depth of relationship, however would they really be able to say that I can perform the tasks set in front of me. Perhaps I have been in this academic environment for too long and my judgement is skewed, perhaps I did not sleep well enough last night, perhaps I am sincerely losing my mind, but any of these possibilities notwithstanding, I am so uncertain, so done, so confused about where the future will lead. I am prepared to give myself to anything at this point. To whatever splashes across the radar. I am not thinking clearly at a point in time when this is exactly what is needed. How does it seem that everyone else has the shark-like tenacity and sense of focus to hone in on exactly what they are seeking and to go for it? Why is there this strong sense of confusion, and thereby this sense of apathy - flojera or laziness that overcomes my spirit and leads me to write here instead of doing what I perhaps should be doing to finish my education. How much longer will my sanity hold out? What have I come here to accomplish?
All these questions lead me to think that perhaps I need a nap. I need to work at discerning that to which I am called in this short life. In truth it is not worth it to me to work my tail off so and at the end have only a document to show. I want true progress, true change, true results that I can look back on and feel the joy of accomplishment. Even if what I create may someday be destroyed - something tangible to cling to in my world that is so often governed by the intangible. My heart cries out for life for something real, for something that cannot be quantified into anything real, that cannot be put into words but must be lived! Write I gibberish, or write I something that gets at the heart of our existence? Are we but rats or are we men? What do we here seek to achieve? To establish systems and societies that organize our lives, but dampen our spirits? My heart is not found in such things, my heart is found outside the box, at times outside myself.
For what do we need the system? For what the order and associated complications in life? I am sick of organized and logical arguments. I can feel inside the truth of what I believe and I simply want to live without being bound by the structures that surround me on all sides. Are you with me? Or does it matter? For these things get at the deepest part of me, which is unlike anyone else in this world, and perhaps only God can understand....
