Home

I feel as if I've come home. Though it is far from where I spent the majority of my life, there is an essential part of my existence that began here, and it teaches me about where I am to go. There is inside me a desire for community, a desire for what is familiar and recognizable, while at the same time my mind desires to be stretched by new ideas, new horizons, and new approaches to life. I am a paradox, because on one hand I would desire a family, but on the other have rejected the things that would have led me down that path. My journey thus far in life has looked like a patchwork quilt of things that do not fit well together. Upon graduating college in a city that I never expected to be in, I had no clue what I wanted to do, only that I did not want to continue on in school. I think I made the right decision and yet I find myself in school again. This time in different capacities, but here I still am, and the future is no more clear.

Yet to come home to Steubenville. To talk to people who babysat me growing up, and who know me though I am seeing their faces for the first time with eyes that comprehend. There is an essential energy, a vitality, a desire to live that pervades my every thought that I felt I had figured out. Life here is fast, and yet grounded in Christ, and in strong family relationships. People are uncertain of what they will do, but spend their lives living and questioning every path they take. No one waits for things to happen. There is little tentativeness, only a genuine desire to get to know one another and to help one another through this sometime difficult existence we all must live.

God works, God lives. I like to think back to the speech of the abortion survivor, whose life has been a testament to the glory and unlimited power of God to do good and bring about His will in the world. I cannot comprehend the nature of existence here, and maybe I am exhausted, but my reaction has been to relax and enjoy the moments without working too much. Only observing the lives of a family who I have loved for long and whose adoption of me over this Thanksgiving holiday has been a true blessing. I am grateful to them in so many ways for all they have given me.

Yesterday we visited the hospital of my birth, and I reflect on what it must have been life for my father to sit and wait, or my mother to bear the pains of childbirth, such that I might live. And what have I done with their sacrifices? What have I done with the life that our Lord above has so graciously bestowed upon me? I have had want for nothing in my life, so how do I give that back? I want to live radically and fully for Christ, and yet sometimes struggle to figure out what that means or even looks like. Will I translate as a part of it?...Maybe...Will I sing? Will I run? Will I fight? I will pray....What do you want of me Lord? I think it is eternally tied to what I desire for myself. For He wants only that we would love and serve Him to the greatest of our capability. We decide what that looks like.

I have some great opportunities opening in my life, and I only pray that I treat them as the Lord would have me do, and learn each day more and more of Him whom I love, and to whom my life is ultimately bound.

True Love

I know that this is a cliché reading for weddings, but it really soothes my heart to know that all these things are true, and this is one that may work for you, but is acutely necessary for me at this point in my life:

From the New American Bible 13:4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

But then there is this from Proverbs Prv 31:10-13, 19-20, 30-31

"When one finds a worthy wife,
her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband, entrusting his heart to her,
has an unfailing prize.
She brings him good, and not evil,
all the days of her life.
She obtains wool and flax
and works with loving hands.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her fingers ply the spindle.
She reaches out her hands to the poor,
and extends her arms to the needy.
Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;
the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her a reward for her labors,
and let her works praise her at the city gates."

And I worry about the love that I feel, and whether it may just be fleeting like beauty, or that I am deceived by charm. I think we all want to believe that we are truly loved, and this I do, only that I have always kept a piece of my heart back, this world too often seems to come back and throw things in our face when we really devote ourselves to them and want them badly. I have found few things in life that I wanted to pursue to the ends of the earth, or at least to the end of my life, but I am learning that they are out there. If there was ever any doubt in my heart before that true love exists, that doubt is no long gone...I have seen the city and its inner workings, have felt its work within me, and have seen how glorious it can make dreary day, and how work turns into the conquer of a dragon for the heart of the princess.

Everything takes on more gravity, not the least of which is the relationship itself, which constantly moves itself deeper and deeper unto destinations uncertain and unknown. All that one can do is follow and trust that there is a reason for all of this, and in time it will become clear, and life will begin to make a bit more sense as we would cast ourselves with seeming senselessness headlong into the vocation of life. For it is in losing our lives, or giving them up for others, that we truly find them, and in sharing love that we understand the true and deepest gifts that God has to offer us in his gift of Love to the world.

Would that we would all follow God along the path of our lives, chasing our dreams and pursuing our passions, and always keeping an eye open for the doors and windows that open before us, for it is not us who open them, but rather our God and Creator who loves us dearly and wants what's best for our lives. Live the moment for Him, and the future will figure itself out between Him and the workings of this crazy world where we make our temporal home.

Today

I don't know what to do with my life, and yet I have a plan. I have so much work to do, and yet none at all. I love my God, and yet only give Him a small portion of the time I am allotted on this earth. My life is one of contradictions, and isn't this in some cases a good sign?

I love a woman, but I cannot have her. I love my family, but hold them in second, maybe third place. I am studying to be a translator, but may not even translate. I desire to travel the world, but hesitate to buy the ticket. I have many friends, but do not devote as much time to them as I should. I believe that certain things in life are wrong, and yet love those who commit these wrongs. I cannot know what is exactly right in life, but I can seek to know and live by the truth.

What do you have for me God? Sometimes I wonder whether I have gone down the wrong path altogether, or have wandered so far from your mercy that my life is a disgrace to you, and I deserve not even to call myself Catholic.

I have much left to live and seek in this life, and with Your help, I can accomplish much for you. But for the moment, I am here, trying to remain in touch with you, seeking Your will for my life, and seeking to love all those who surround me.

Let's go deeper...

So lately I have been shirking my fidelity to this blog in favor of chasing a career in translation, which at the moment is going quite well. However so many other situations have arisen in my life that have completely consumed my attention and I feel as if sometimes I simply run from one thing to the next in life. Life is too short to be running around like a crazy person and not staying in touch with those you love, and I am learning that very quickly and unfortunately the hard way. Still I do not know where this balance lies. I love all my friends and family very much, but at times I just cannot tear myself away from the work that I am doing. I am tenacious in pursuing those things of interest to me in this life and do not let them go until I am satisfied that they are done.

When it comes to translation, I am still learning and so these consume my time more than I might like, but in time they will become more manageable, especially with so many technological tools at my disposal.

We had an interesting discussion about the future of the translation industry today in one of my translation courses, theory actually. It was very good to hear a bit of prediction from the founder of our "Institute of Applied Linguistics" who seems to possess a keen mind for perceiving changes and trends to come in the industry. He foresees an increase in the corporatization of the industry, a characteristic that would lend itself very well to my managerial and interpersonal skill set. I am a fair translator, and will be able to improve with my work here in Kent, but will likely work in something that acts in conjunction with translators, rather than as simply a freelance translator of texts. Life is too short anyway to stick to one thing....

So many new developments in life, and so little time to discuss them all. What can I say, for the moment know that I am enjoying this time of searching, both for career and vocation, and learning much about the people in this world, both from the US and from all over the rest of it. I don't know what the future holds, but I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring!!!

The Evening

Sometimes the onset of the night brings moments of lucid thought, of inventiveness and the deepness that characterizes the work of the great philosophers, but sometimes it does not. And I fear that this is one of those moments. However I today read how Velásquez' "Las Meninas" was a work of art for art's sake, and I wonder whether we can live life this way. Can we live life, only for life's sake? What does this mean? Immediately to my mind comes the often atheist approach that there is nothing beyond this life and hence we better get our butts moving on the things that are important. Then again I wonder about the atheists who do less than those of us who believe in some form of afterlife, because aren't they in some fashion relying on the fact that we believe in something more, something greater? If I truly believed that there was no God, that we have only the moments here on Earth, then I would have complete disregard for anything else than to get mine and move on. However, thanks to God, that He came to earth and showed us His will for us, we know what we are called to live. That we are called to love one another and help others who do not understand the Truth that underlies all things in this world. For it is in our relationships that we achieve the highest levels of human contentment and satisfaction. Yes we can achieve great things materially, but aren't they all as nothing following death? How many people do you know that died and were able to take any physical objects with them, or honors, Nobel Peace Prizes, multiple degrees and doctorates, awards, trophies, etc.? Life is about love. And it is good and refreshing to remember this...The Lord came to this earth to save us from ourselves, by showing us the way to Him is through one another. By loving one another more deeply we will draw ever closer to Him and his all-encompassing love. I could not live a life without this hope, but I must also admit the final part of Paul's message, the crux upon which everything theological rests, and that is faith. I love the quote that states that faith is like the board that a drowning man clings to in an open sea of doubt. Yes it is hard, not only to believe, but even more to live! Please recognize that it takes courage to have faith, and that faith is not something blindly accepted, but chosen from the depths of the heart, mind, body and soul, from the very essences that make us metaphysically and real-ly individuals.

God will show you His love no matter what, He only asks that you love Him back. Develop a relationship with Him. Ask Him any question you can think of...because no matter where else you look in the world or even in the universe, you will find no more satisfying answers than you will find in a relationship with our God and Father.

I pray that you will find your way home.

A Sluggish Day...

It is amazing how quickly life can change, how new challenges and opportunities can arise in a moment and be gone the next. Friends come and go from your life, and acquaintances become friends and friends, strangers once again. This can be a sad evolution, but the truth is that some will never leave. Some will stay. Some will be there for you in your time of deepest need. Some will hold you in their hearts no matter where you are, how far, nor long out of touch. Love reigns at the heart of these persons, and rains upon you in their presence. I love the reading from St. Paul that expresses so concisely what I falter in saying here; "That in the end three things remain: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love". We yearn for it, we seek it in many different places; forces within the world try to tell us that we may find it in places that end in bottomless pits that swallow our lives and shackle us to habits, addictions, and obligations we never bargained for.

I praise the Lord for the ways in which He has protected me from these, and I believe it my calling to explain these freeing truths to others. Yet, not everyone is open to hearing the truth. They have their own truths, their own modi operandi, that may or may not be consistent with that which runs through all things. In these moments I wonder at the challenge of a greater love that condemns the action of the loved one, and yet shows a great love for him in that his understanding that it is a false truth he follows, will set him free to live life in a way that will be so much more fulfilling. But in the moment, it is painful. Arguments may arise because the other feels threatened. Ad hominem threats may be thrown at you because you believe different things. Why is it that I can walk into a room and show only love toward others and come away having been insulted and disrespected for who I am? Why is it so threatening to others that I seek to live a greater life? I desire to be a part of a greater story, to change this world for the better. I refuse to accept that this world is going to "hell in a handbasket", or that recession or some form of global warming will somehow kill us all. This world is temporal anyway, and our lives upon it are not our own. So why do we insist on taking the wrong approach on so many different levels and then wonder why we are so depressed and cannot comprehend why anyone would go to Church, or ascribe to any form of religion besides that of narcissism. I want mine, and that is all. This will take us nowhere. Would that we would all reach out to those around us, starving for love and attention and show them what Christ's love is really about, and hence what life is really about. Other paths that we follow in this life, like career, vocation, hobbies, jobs, volunteer experiences, should all serve as a means to sharpening our work toward this greater goal.

Jesus is present in this world, but if we do not truly live for Him, how can he reach out of our hearts to touch others'?

Today's Readings

I was blown away to hear today the very verse that I quoted the other night in regard to my presence here at Kent State University. In any new situation I am quick to question my ability to adapt, my sense of belonging, and my ability to establish myself in all aspects of my life. I thought at that point of the verse from Paul that is colloquially rendered, "When in Rome, do as the Romans; interesting that Paul did write letters to the Romans, but that this particular quote actually comes from his letters to the Corinthians. My love for the Bible is growing and I owe no small gift of thanks to Elise for this. Though it is not the definitive source for answers on faith issues, there is so much to learn from what the writers have put down. At times I feel I am at such a distance from my faith, but then the Gospel brings me back to reality by making the simple statement that we must be willing to remove the log from our own eye first, in order to later help our brother remove his splinter. I ponder the logs in my life; the things that I must cast out of my daily existence, and prevent from ever returning. At the same time I am reminded of the reading from last week that encourages us to confront our brothers when we are at odds with them for any reason. The deeper truth is that no one of us is ever perfect, but even in our imperfection, we can help one another to recognize and expel evils and sin from our lives. We must work together and act out of love, and all these things that we are taught as Christians and Catholics are possible!

Know that I am well here at Kent State; I have found a church that I enjoy attending by the name of St. Patrick's including attached school and hence opportunities to officiate. I play volleyball one night a week at a local bar/bowling alley/sand volleyball court place. I love it and have actually hooked up with a team comprised of largely Army recruiters. Guess I'm pretty close to "Army strong". Beyond this, classes and teaching are going well. I enjoy everything I'm doing and look forward to what the future will bring, that is beyond the snow, wind and rain!

My life in Kent, OH

Today...I met with the Kent State University women's volleyball coach, and learned that there is a possibility that I could help out with the team. Also, my first class went very well, and I learned some new strategies to try in my own classroom. I have a couple hours between the observation class and my own, and so I prepped some new activities to add to the mix of what I already had and ran for it! The class went well, I am starting to see the chatty side of my class, but I think that they respect me highly.

I have enjoyed teaching, and have done it every day thus far in a shirt and tie. I am used to the sensation, it reminds me of the Boylan days!!! You know you all miss them too! This afternoon I attended my own class on translation theory, which I find very intriguing, and the professor very challenging, both aspects that add to my enjoyment.

This evening I went to Kent Lanes, a place recommended by my roommate, and a place where we all went bowling this past weekend. It was a blast! The people playing were extremely cool and invited me to play on their team on a regular basis. So I guess I am involved in a volleyball league after all, and may not pursue intramurals since these games will go for the next six weeks yet.

Other than these, I am starting to feel tired. I guess all that running and diving, teaching and learning, really does take something out of you. But I wanted to share, and as our translation practice prof recommends: we must maintain those elements in our life apart from whatever our major pursuit may be, otherwise even that major pursuit can become dull and boring, and then life is not at all fun!

I hope you all are well...

Kent, OH

Here I am in a new town with new challenges and new places to explore, and the sense of excitement is only slightly tainted with the feelings of uncertainty that plague my mind. I had a great discussion with my buddy Mike last night about things to come next summer, and the years to follow thereafter. This whole grad school thing does not seem to fit the picture right now, or maybe the picture is too perfect for my oft random and inexplicable mode of life. I have enjoyed it up to this point, but am unsure how going back to school works itself in. Though I have always excelled in schoolwork, I can't say that it necessarily brings me passion. The passion I find lies in using the skills I have developed beyond the classroom. Some of my closest friendships have only been able to develop because of things I learned there.

I suppose a better approach to sitting here in my uncertainty is to go out and explore. But I find too that I am a rugged individualist in some ways and I shrink from having to have the official tour from my roommates. Do not get me wrong though, they are great folks; I think we are going to have an easy time of it this year. I am chilling in my room right now and have not had any interruptions whatsoever. We are also set back from the campus with a security system and everything, so there is really nothing to complain about. I love that nature is so close by here, and that there are seemingly dozens of surrounding small towns that are ripe for exploration.

For the moment then I leave you as I go out to see what I can see and report back later!!!

I've often asked God's will for my life, and it seems that every time I started to hear His still, small voice, I instead filled my mind with my own voice and achievements and dreams that I desire to realize in my lifetime. The longer I follow this path though, the more I understand that even these achievements lose their luster if they are accomplished apart from the will of God. It is not that they somehow contradict God's plan, only that He is disappointed that you choose these over Him. I still believe that there is a lot of truth in the point that many in this world will try to give us roads to follow, under the premise that they represent God's will in our lives, but these are given an initial foothold in my life because my prayer life is not strong. I would not necessarily recognize what God has for me if it fell into my lap.

However I do feel that I could do some amazing things for the Church, or for the family institution, whichever God would have for me in this life. Now I am off to graduate school with a pit in my stomach and uncertainty plaguing my mind. Maybe this is normal, or maybe this is God subtly communicating that this is not where He would have me go. I believe that God does reach out and touch us in our lives. I have rediscovered a passion for Catholic apologetics as of late, in conversation with a beautiful young lady who does not share my Catholic faith, but instead follows a more evangelical tradition. In some ways I fear what is to come for us, as we will soon be many hundreds of miles apart, but at the same time I believe that we have a role to play in one another's lives, and though I do not yet know what that is, or how long it need last, I am willing to follow as far as it may go. This very relationship has helped me to let go of the reins, which I infrequently do, and allow for the will of God and time to take its course. She has taught me patience in a way no one else has ever been able to reach me. She shows me that God can create beauty in a way that is in accord with each one of our desires. She shows me that passion for life and uncertainty about it need not be mutually exclusive, and that it is okay and even good to nourish a plethora of relationships and friendships.

I think the tendency in seeking God's will, once we have decided to favor His over our own, is to think that His is the one directly opposite our own. But then are we not just choosing for ourselves again? It is funny business, and very difficult to discern the will of God for our lives; but it is also very worthwhile. And the longer I live the more apparent that truth becomes. God knows and loves us all very deeply, and wants only the best for our lives, in communion with what is good for His kingdom. Lord please open my heart to your will and give me the strength to follow it once I know its content.

How often fear motivates our actions, and inaction ultimately makes our choices for us. I must admit that grad school and all it entails frightens me quite completely. I have never done this before, and I fear I cannot keep up with the work. I fear that I will run out of money, and that I am leaving everything important to me behind. I fear the consequences of choices I have made and those of the choices I have yet to make. Isn't life easier if we cave to these fears, and only do as much as is necessary to get by in this life?

Maybe so, but that is not living. True living is motivated by a sense of what it means to love and to reach out to those around us. If we look to love, then every action takes on more gravity. And if we consider that we have a model in Jesus Christ, then it all becomes a little clearer. Loving is not easy, as exemplified by the life of Christ. But in following His example we can live lives that extend beyond our ability to control their effects, or even to control where they ultimately lead. It is in pouring out of ourselves that we understand the depth of what lies within us. We cannot sit idly by and hope that something will come our way; that the person who appears in need, is not; that Christ came, but that His message was only for the people of His time. These are the thoughts that lead to relativism, that remove the dignity from life. For if there is no greater story, or greater truth, why live at all? Isn't then our whole existence asinine? Why were we given such a great ability to reason, beyond the capabilities of any other animal on this earth? And why did a man named Jesus Christ walk the streets of the Middle East proclaiming Himself the Son of God, if He were not? There is so much truth contained in His teachings, so much good advice to take from His Beattitudes and Commandments, that almost no one can deny the wisdom contained therein. Living a life in the way He describes does lead to a more fulfilling existence. And all of this success along with the fact that He claims to be the Son of God, one with the Father and the Holy Spirit. We cannot accept His wisdom and not accept that He is God.

Hence how does this apply to the fears that seem to often motivate my life? Well I can take heart in knowing that Christ knows my innermost being, and came to die so that I might live beyond this existence. I then have no fear of death, which is all it takes to lessen my fears about life. So what if some situation may take me to a place for reasons I do not fully understand, or that my life may be put at risk when I am following some of the deepest desires of my heart; if I do die I am assured that there is a just and loving God who will greet me upon my death, and show me the mercy that I have merited by the faith I have lived out.

The fears never go away, but they can be lessened. God loves us all and is watching out for our every move. Thank you Lord, and would that you would watch over and keep us all near your heart that we may discern your truth and live it daily for the creation of your kingdom here on earth!

La musica

Isn't music such a beautiful thing as it unites all of the feelings tthat flow through our ever-changing minds and gives them rhythm and an organization that we would not otherwise be able to express. We listen to music because there is always something familiar in the words or expressed emotions that beckons us as much as our own feelings captivate our attention and often direct our lives. It is powerful and can change our minds to think of better times or worse times. Hence the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive influences and good music that will lead us to God, and to love those around us.

My Bucket List (cosas q quiero hacer antes de fallecer)

- work on a movie set/play the part of an extra
- ser un "extra" en una pelicula
- circumnavigate the world with a friend
- circunnavegar el mundo
- travel Ireland with my father
- viajar por Irlanda con mi papa
- return to Arequipa, Peru
- volver a Arequipa, Peru
- bicycle/motorbike across Latin America
- pasear latinoamerica en bici o en moto
- fight a fire
- hacerme bombero contra un fuego
- swim with sharks (in a cage of course)
- nadar con los tiburones (claro q dentro de una jaula)
- drive a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am (black w/ Ram Air, T-top)
- conducir un ~ (negro, con Ram Air, T-top)
- live and work in a foreign country
- vivir y trabajar en un pais extranjero
- write a book
- escribir un libro
- play sand volleyball in Hawaii
- jugar voley de arena en el estado de Hawaii
- go skydiving (I think this makes many lists)
- hacer el paracaidismo (creo q esta en muchas listas asi)
- officiate a college basketball contest
- arbitrar un partido universitario de basket
- watch the sun rise over Macchu Picchu
- ver al sol soliendo sobre las ruinas de Macchu Picchu (ya hecho)

I see it in your eyes; the desire to live deeply and ask the questions that have tugged at the mind your whole life long. You want to see not what's probable, but what's possible in your short lifetime. The world goes by, and you passively with it. There has never been a moment in your life where you seized an opportunity that you made possible by your own merit. Something that you sought out and thought, "who does that?" and then went hard after it yourself. But you are stuck, your choices have been made, your life unalterably decided, your unhappiness assured. Or are you? The moment we stop dreaming is the moment that we give up control of our lives. Our dreams are what motivate us beyond the here and now, and, ironically help us to live the now more deeply. For if we are sure of what tomorrow and the endless days to follow will bring, there is not much to look forward to, not many dreams to entertain. But instead to approach each day as a new potential to realize another dream, well then the day is as a great work of literature that holds our attention and motivates us on as the protagonist in our own epic journey.

I write this because I struggle with my state in life. My dreams tell me that there is more to come, more to see, and more to live than the here and now. But this moment at times can overpower us into believing that we will never overcome it. We will never get beyond this state, never realize our dreams, never even come close. This becomes most acute for me when I am at home. Here I was not born, but raised for the majority of my life; here my parents were born, and theirs before them; here I have two "alma maters" that beckon me back for new reasons. Nearby, two of my friends are married and settled, and happy. I know that I would not be for now. All this conspires to say that I will never get beyond. For I am at heart a simple man, with simple hopes and dreams, that need not extend beyond the outer reaches of this city. And then again, only in doing so has my mind been opened as far as it is. I need not imitate the lives of the saints, nor of the billionaires of the world; I have only to strike out my own path, using the gifts God has granted me the very best I can.

I do not want to be the one with longing eyes. I want my eyes always to sparkle with the thought of another dream, another mountain to climb, another sea to traverse, another jungle to conquer. I hope that my dreams are the cause of inspiration in other eyes, and other minds. I hope that everyone seeks the chance to realize their dreams to become all that they were made to be! Let not your dreams be constant reminders of how little you have accomplished, but instead motivators for the life you desire to live. "Live and live deeply, and suck all the marrow out of life!!!"

To write

I love writing just to write, not for anyone but myself...what is writing? To adhere to rules as I do? For without punctuation, capitalization, and a common language, my meaning may at many points be marred and maybe lost. However, some of the greatest authors and poets of our time have played with the necessity of strict adherence to these rules, and have discovered the reading public delighted! But then again, how do we transfer meaning from language to another? For though the English language is so open to different interpretation and experimentation, other languages are strictly guarded and guided. The French have an institute whose sole purpose is to maintain the integrity of French, the Spanish possess a similar academy that hands down rulings on newly developed words, but we who speak English have free reign to say whatever we want and use whatever words from any language or culture we choose. Who has the better system? Well, as long as communication takes place, I suppose it is enough. But the real artists play at the fringes of these systems, constantly questioning what is right and best, and using their gifts to entertain and confuse us into admiration for what they have accomplished.

I yet wait to see where my gifts may be employed to the expansion of English and Spanish relations, and maybe even flirting with some French and Italian along the way. We shall saw what will come of this foray...

Kent State U

Initially I wondered whether I simply possess a repulsion to undergraduate school campuses, but as I have spent more time here I am more and more excited about the prospect of studying once again. Life is too short to ever cease one's quest for knowledge, and this is just another romp in that infinite field!

The campus is beautiful, but this time I do not let that be my sole promoter. I am compelled by the complexity of the program I enter, the diversity of students and people I have already found here in the middle of summer. The climate agrees with me, but as snow will soon come to drive all indoors, I care little for the impact of this observation upon my overall evaluation. Life here will be quick and there will be little time for play, but at the same time this will be good to continue to nurture and use the skilled gray matter I have been blessed with upstairs.

If I can comment on the memorial...I find it ironic that the memorials are so plain. There is an inherent contradiction in the fact that the University most likely did support the protesters, but cannot publicly adulate them for their actions. The only real outcome would have been that the university could have questioned the state's use of power, but as the university also has a vested interest in a positive relationship with the state, the question could not be proposed all that severely. Hence we have four patches of blacktop, raised slightly from the level of the lot, and each surrounded by six distinctive lightposts not three feet high. Interesting is all I have to say...

Morning Recollections

Ten o'clock. The day is still young and so many thoughts still tug at my mind. Records of last night's spanish conversation over the realities of life plays in my head, mixed with the lessons Steinbeck inscribed in his novel. There is a sad, but real truth in that money illegally obtained, is still respected as long as the truth of its illegal winning is never proven. Heck, people can even know that is likely illegal money, but the family is still respected as member of the nobility. Take the Kennedys, or the Clintons, few remember that their money came from disreputable pursuits. All that is remembered is that they have it.

Will we too sell out? Only for the short-lived glory of being able to obtain anything we might come to fancy in this temporary world? Rodrigo told the drama of coming to the end of life and having to regard our personal one in all its entirety. There we will be forced to see the problems and shortcomings to which we are blind while here, or refused to accept about our stately selves. Interestingly though, the author of the drama believes that we will also come to view investments that we passed up, that would have come to great wealth for us, but we were too much possessed of fear to jump off the cliff of uncertainty.

I think every one of us desires financial security. No one wants to wander about begging for their next meal, or even having to consider finances as he spends. Of these I am the greatest, spending when it is there and buying nothing when it is not. I believe this is the sole luxury of a single man, for if my current job fails there are a million others begging to be tried, and my track record shows limited failure. For with a family, comes stability, a secure lodging within a community, and hence a lodging within some social strata as well. Too often it seems the wife is all too aware of this reality and it torments her, and hence the man is driven to find some way to better provide for and luxuriate the existence of his partner and progeny.

There is an interesting quandary here too, for the younger man sooner promises himself to his bride, and with more financial struggles is able to grow a family richer in youth, and in truth. For the young man can give life to many more children than his middle-aged, financially more secure counterpart. There is an allure to a youthful marriage as well, for as we all know the young are more romantic than the old. It is for us to choose individually, but at some point when we find one with whom the vocation of marriage can thrive, we decide which course we wish to take.

This is not meant to be a dream world, where everyone gets the same great results from life. No, some of us choose well and lead a difficult, but rewarding existence; others choose poorly, and despite all of the hard work that may follow for the them, the reward is always the same stark, unforgiving reality. Yes, some of us were predisposed to certain choices, before we understood what we chose by choosing them, but all of us at some point come to a realization, whether we deny it or not, that we have chosen the life that we are living. Therefore, we also get to choose what we want to do with tomorrow and the uncertain days to follow. I think the view of Rodrigo's drama is a great one to accept. No matter what transpired before you, to effect you to be the person you are; who and what do you want to see in that film that will replay before your very eyes at the end of your life?

Thanks!!!

This goes out to all my volleyball players, with whom I have become such great friends, and was so fortunate to lead through one of the most amazing seasons of my short life. I still cannot believe how much success we had, but found that true relationships and good friendships are built through living our lives together. To run away and seek only for ourselves would not bring this same level of satisfaction, this level of joy, and assurance of being loved. During every huddle, every practice, every match all I had to do was to look into any one of your eyes to see the passion there and the desire to give everything for the cause of the team! Unfortunately this passion is unmatched in the world at large, the working, bill-paying public cannot fathom the depths of our experience this year. I only wish they could, and pray that they will find their passion in a constructive activity.

As we grow, we leave the things of our youth: games, sandboxes, certain toys; but I believe we always yearn to have that feeling again. Being a part of something, thriving on every moment, and anxiously awaiting every future moment to come. This well describes the volleyball season of this past year. Every new match was a new challenge that I could not wait to see you all through. In my heart, and in truth, we were never beaten until that final game. And should we have opportunity to play it again, I have no doubt that we would play it differently and give our opposition a different look.

I cannot describe the joy that I felt last night, looking at all of you guys celebrating a season well-played, and lives well-lived! You are so fortunate, and I am so fortunate to have had you as a part of my life. I love you all very much and look forward to seeing the great things that you will accomplish with your lives. Let only your dreams be the limit. And if you ever want to discuss what that means, I would love to oblige!!! God bless and keep you. Go out there and get 'em!!!

In a poetry mood...

It seems every time I get up the gall to post something new on here it takes the form of a poem, but I think it is such a beautiful contrast that poetry can be so concise and yet convey a deeper message than words written in prose. My father and I discussed yesterday that those possessions of ours which took the most time to be created have the greatest meaning for us. In other words, consider a photograph, which in most cases took only a split second to create; we ponder it for the equal split second and then move on to the next. However, should we find an old letter from a former girlfriend, from a parent, friend, or sibling; we treasure it as gold before us, savoring every word, and then reading it again and again. Prose is easy, poetry takes time; let us savor the gift John Donne gave to the world:

For Whom the Bell Tolls

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

I like this poem...

I believe this holds a lot of truth for those who see and understand and hence can accomplish anything in this world. It is interesting that the author cites two cities; Nineveh and Babel that both eventually caught the wrath of God for their being overly consumed by thoughts of themselves. I do not think that God has only wrath for the movers and shakers of this world, but I think that these same need to hold themselves always accountable to the greater power, who will always be greater no matter our efforts to overthrow Him. Pride is an extremely powerful thing, that eventually can take hold of even the most reverent and humble man; simply because he is a man and hence susceptible to the wiles of the prince of this world.

With that thought, enjoy....


Ode

We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers,
Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers,
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

-- Arthur O'Shaughnessy

To write...

Takes a level of concentration, imagination, understanding of language, and depth of vocabulary that daunts me. Yet I continue my feeble attempts, hoping at the very least that my words will someday prove wisdom to a future clouded me. Something draws me to write, to language, to the power that is inherent within it, to how impossibly far it sets us apart from the other animals. We can not only speak and form ideas, but can immortalize them in words, books, Scripture...Yet they often seem to have a life of their own. I write, and then ideas come to me, stream of consciousness I think it was called in my high school years; now it is natural to me, and is simply writing. I do not like to constrain what I write about, or even why. There does not need to be a reason, nor a theme, nor a goal. But the mystique for me is that all my jumbled thoughts put down on paper may cause you to think, reconsider, question, and ultimately ask. Thus, the power works.

If you could write, what would you write about? This question is somewhat ironic, because likely those possessing the ability to read it, would also possess the ability to write. Still, one can write, and still not appreciate what it means to really write; to write for writing's sake, to write to think, to write to inspire hope or anarchy. It is the difference between talking and speaking, chatting and conversing. One leads to something, the other usually goes in a circle, left only to be continued along the same rut that always comes back to the same. I may be the greatest hypocrite here because my writing frequently is only self-examination, but I like to think that with every sentence my self-knowledge grows, and hence my insights become deeper and more helpful, more self-perfecting.

With age though too, my mind seems less able to focus on these things for great portions of time, my mind sooner wearies of these unending questions as to the meaning of life and my role within it. Still, maybe we require new horizons and atmospheres to inspire us, to help us to question, and ultimately see the great truth. That life is greater than we, that we cannot figure everything out here, that some of our answers can only be found in place that is not of this world.

Maybe that's why I write, or shall I say the most significant reason why. To try to figure out anything and everything that it is possible to figure out in this life, without God's answers. Someday He will tell us everything that we agonized to know in this world. You may find my search frivolous and unimportant, but it is the only reasonable search we can undertake in this life.

Life

Right now I think so often about the future, I wonder whether I am doing the right thing...I second guess every decision, and yet I suppose the more important point is that I make the decision at all. I know there are others out there with problems much more severe and complex than my own, and speaking with and attempting to console them often helps me to see that I am doing fine. However, as the adage goes..."From those to whom much has been given, much is expected." And yet this "much" manifests itself differently for each one of us who have made our decisions such that we have the freedom to do virtually anything. One of my very good friends works for a seed company that sends him to work in Puerto Rico for this portion of the year; another is on the verge of setting out on his own as a freelance photographer; still another works at her dream job with high school kids in a Jesuit school in Colorado; and another of my favorite stories, my friend the Marine and my friend his lovely wife prepare to be stationed in Hawaii! I still cannot believe that by the way...And here I am with all the gifts and skills in the world, with more interests than a hyperactive kid in a candy store, and I am unsure of what to do. I do believe that we need one another, and I believe this is why I am here right now, and I know the time will come for me to move on to the next step in life. I find it funny that I get this way every winter, as everything seems to slow down, and then by summertime I will have another three thousand plans to choose from. I guess I need a good friend and a good cigar, and all my nerves will settle down. I want to send out special thanks to Julie who inspired me to seek that which I love, today! Jules you are the best, and you are such a leader, following your own path to becoming the best version of yourself, even as you pass along advice and inspiration to others who search at the same time.

The Christian idea of love; your God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul; and your neighbor as yourself; only makes sense in practice. For to think about it logically it would seem fruitless and foolish to love and pray for your enemy, and any others who you may or may not like, or that may or may not like you; but in the end it does make sense. They may be there for you the next time you need a helping hand, or may give you the connection you need to continue to pursue your dreams. What good is it to make enemies when there are so many friends out there to be had? And it is precisely to these friends that I turn for help in my above-described dilemma, for they often know me better than I know myself, and can push me to my greatest potential! I am so grateful for all of you, and for my family as well, who has always been there through every trial and crazy turn along the way. But most of all I am, as all of us are, eternally endebted to our God and Father, Who gave us the opportunity to live this crazy life and suck from it every joy and sorrow, to His greater glory!

God you are so good. I turn to you too as a friend to aid me as to where You would have me go next. For you are my Creator, and I hope to lead my life as an example of your love, and ultimately to live with You in Paradise!