I've often asked God's will for my life, and it seems that every time I started to hear His still, small voice, I instead filled my mind with my own voice and achievements and dreams that I desire to realize in my lifetime. The longer I follow this path though, the more I understand that even these achievements lose their luster if they are accomplished apart from the will of God. It is not that they somehow contradict God's plan, only that He is disappointed that you choose these over Him. I still believe that there is a lot of truth in the point that many in this world will try to give us roads to follow, under the premise that they represent God's will in our lives, but these are given an initial foothold in my life because my prayer life is not strong. I would not necessarily recognize what God has for me if it fell into my lap.

However I do feel that I could do some amazing things for the Church, or for the family institution, whichever God would have for me in this life. Now I am off to graduate school with a pit in my stomach and uncertainty plaguing my mind. Maybe this is normal, or maybe this is God subtly communicating that this is not where He would have me go. I believe that God does reach out and touch us in our lives. I have rediscovered a passion for Catholic apologetics as of late, in conversation with a beautiful young lady who does not share my Catholic faith, but instead follows a more evangelical tradition. In some ways I fear what is to come for us, as we will soon be many hundreds of miles apart, but at the same time I believe that we have a role to play in one another's lives, and though I do not yet know what that is, or how long it need last, I am willing to follow as far as it may go. This very relationship has helped me to let go of the reins, which I infrequently do, and allow for the will of God and time to take its course. She has taught me patience in a way no one else has ever been able to reach me. She shows me that God can create beauty in a way that is in accord with each one of our desires. She shows me that passion for life and uncertainty about it need not be mutually exclusive, and that it is okay and even good to nourish a plethora of relationships and friendships.

I think the tendency in seeking God's will, once we have decided to favor His over our own, is to think that His is the one directly opposite our own. But then are we not just choosing for ourselves again? It is funny business, and very difficult to discern the will of God for our lives; but it is also very worthwhile. And the longer I live the more apparent that truth becomes. God knows and loves us all very deeply, and wants only the best for our lives, in communion with what is good for His kingdom. Lord please open my heart to your will and give me the strength to follow it once I know its content.