Sleep does not come easily to the active mind, to the tortured soul, to the lonely heart...so here I sit writing my thoughts as they come. I listen to Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band, a dark tune that speaks to the permanence of death, but at the same time how we each see the possibility of an afterlife of some sort, and that hence we need to have enough space to feel the rain through our coffin.

The afterlife does not frighten me, rather it is this life that gives me pause. This is the difficult step in our existence, to follow God in His paths on this earth where there appear so many other more appealing options, where we can make our own will the ruling force in our lives and supposedly create and control our own happiness. If only it were so easy....the truth lies somewhere closer to the reality that the moment we let go of our own will, and conform it to the will of God as best we can interpret according to our hearts placed in Him, then and only then will we find happiness. I laugh at the quote from St. Augustine which states, "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet!" for isn't this how we often give our wills to Christ? Here you are Lord, this isn't everything, but I will give the rest to you in a little bit. I of course have no room to criticize Augustine for he ultimately attained sainthood, and alas we are still but sinners living in a broken world.

The beauty of this life though, is that it can be beautiful and good...If we are willing to give up everything, we can receive everything, for God wants nothing more than to fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts. He and only He knows what they are, for we can only catch glimpses, and can speak with no certainty on the topic. Imagine how much more joy we could have in this world if only we would give up our wills, and let this reflect in our daily lives! We would always be there for one another, sharing and aiding, and always looking to the best of the other. There is a beauty here though, that cannot be realized completely in this fallen world, and that we will only see in the next. Let us then try as we can, with the promise of its realization on the other side, to build it here, and in the process to draw nearer to God, and thereby experience all the joy with which he wants to fill our hearts.

I love you all, and want you to know that I will be there for you as much as I can. May God bless you, and may He always bring you to my mind in prayer. In Him I remain...

Unamuno

"My religion is to seek for truth in life and for life in truth, even knowing that I shall not find them while I live." (No lo puedo encontrar en español, Wikipedia)

Me sorprende mucho la vida de Miguel de Unamuno que fue un gran luchador por la verdad en sus escrituras y también en el España donde vivía y peleaba contra las fuerzas de la República y también las de Franco. En su mente nadie quería lo bueno para España, solamente querían olvidar de cómo va la vida. Y aunque aun él opinaba que la vida es difícil, y a veces ni se puede dirigir uno por la incapacidad de encontrar un razón por hacerlo, hay que vivir la vida, hay que luchar para la verdad. Por lo menos para los que no pueden entender la realidad como es, y necesitan la inspiración de la gente que la entiende y que puede compartirla con todos.

Me gustaría tener lo de arriba, pero hasta el momento no lo tengo en español...lo buscaré...

The end of something beautiful; The start of something good

Though there are times in our lives when we think we have it all figured out, when everything in a particular situation seems to fall into place--we feel at home, loved, wanted, and content--this is not always a sign that eternity lies therein. Or rather, these sentiments and emotions, though good and at times even very strong do not necessarily lead us to our ultimate destiny. These sentiments are purely the realm of the heart, and thus are easily led by feelings of joy and utter contentment, but destiny is the realm of the mind and the heart, such that both are in accord with what they desire for the future. As is said in theology, and likely in other authoritative places, we must be ruled by neither mind alone nor heart alone, but rather by God working through the union of the two. When one is driven and the other abandoned, it can lead to feelings of being lost, floating somewhere with an uncertain purpose, or on the other hand going a hundred miles an hour in an unknown direction. We humans have difficulty reconciling the two, and this is yet another place where we need to let God in. This can explain then why we cannot sit and say, "God show me where to go, I'm not going to do anything, but you should really show me my path." But neither can we find happiness by saying, "God you may have your plan and opportunities that you want to present to me for my life, but I don't need them--all I need is me." Neither is fulfilling, and neither is the right path.

The frustrating part is that there is no clear-cut path for how to manage ourselves in this fallen world. And this is why we are sometimes led to the described "beautiful things" in life, which may or may not fit with what we understood before. I believe these things are to be enjoyed, for they often bring to our hearts the joy that we have been seeking in our lives, but we must also let the mind in and seek to understand how this "beautiful thing" fits in with the rest of our lives. With our goals and dreams, and previously established realities. For if we define the "good" as that which gives us the most freedom, that which allows us to truly love and be truly loved, then we must let both in. We must listen to our hearts and our minds.

Our heart may tell us that something this beautiful may never come again, but the mind counters by saying it is better to leave it. It is better for everyone concerned as it stands right now, and besides only God can know what is to come down the road. Maybe someday the beautiful thing may become the good thing. But all in good time, and with both heart and mind firmly placed in God. Here I am Lord...I trust in You.

Let go...

It occurs to me that it is not to us the pursuits of men, but rather of the men themselves. To those whom the Lord has given the ability to see, well from them is expected much greater things than the humble accomplishments that can be made in this world. Yes they are necessary and valuable, but they are not eternally fulfilling. Maybe this is why some people have a gravity about them that draws so many in, that they have allowed the Lord to so permeate their very souls that He touches people through them, just as He healed the woman through His cloak. And yet I must return to the reality that it is not these people, these servants of God, that we should attach ourselves to, but rather to the God that we find within them. For all things of this world will pass away, and if our castles are built here, they will one day amount to nothing. Even if the world does not come to an end in our lifetime, our castles will be useless to us after our period here is over. This is a transient place, people die every day, and the joy and pain of life is never-ending. Therefore let us focus on the joy, let us find God in all things and let His joy shine through us, that through others coming into contact with us, we change their hearts, and we thereby change the world. Come with me on this journey, let not your fears hold you back, but let God show you His path for your life. No matter where you are live every moment for Him, for He is the only one who can eternally satisfy. Let our lives be looking glasses to the life of Christ and all that He did for us, that others may find the peace and wisdom that lies within Christianity, and the deeper understanding for the reasons for this world. Let us stop denying that Christ ever lived, or that we are not all of the same eternal heritage, let us come together on an even field and worship the God who made our lives possible. Let us share His good news with all those we meet, and when necessary use words!

For truly, and only then, will our hearts rest when they rest in You Lord God my Savior. And so I say, and I entreat you all to join, "Here I am Lord, I trust in You!"

Friends...

For those of you to whom I have been lacking in my devotion over the past several weeks, my sincere apologies. I love you all dearly, but as you well know sometimes life brings us challenges and new thoughts and different ways of viewing the world that we were not prepared for, and which take time and absence from society to process. Though areas remain to be ironed out, I believe I am starting to come full circle on all of this. Unfortunately I cannot go into detail, but know that I am trying my best to find my way in this crazy life, and that I am learning from the trials and the victories therein contained.

To you, then I owe my greatest thanks. You who have been there at every corner and in every new place that I have gone to. You always make life more worth living and make ensure that I am still following the path that I need to follow, to ultimately find true happiness in the Lord. True freedom is sacrificing all that you have, being willing to give it all up for your friends to the greater glory of God. My problem is that I give to anyone, and that I need to be more loving towards those of you who have always been there for me, and who have asked me to serve an important role in your lives. If I could be there right next to you, and aid you more immediately, you know that I would, but my path has never been one that stays in one place. I believe that God has given me the blessing of an unsatisfied spirit in order to achieve great things in His name. I look forward to opportunities that are developing to teach in Latin America, and maybe to aid in a project seeking to re-build earthquake-ridden parts of Perú. I then may return to the seat of my most recent inspiration to life in Christ in El Salvador. These then may guide me down the right path, so that I may find what it is that God ultimately wants for my life.

Reflections then: how often do we spend time alone with God? How often do we listen to the yearnings deep within our own hearts? How often do we go to mass, confession, or seek which other sacrament may next be necessary in our lives? Better said, how much is God a part of our every waking and even sleeping moments? We should seek to draw ourselves ever closer to Him and His heart, for therein we discover the desires of our own, and make possible the achievement of our greatest happiness.

Though it can be restricting at times, the Church and all of its many doctrines, traditions, and other teachings exist to keep us close to Him. To give us inspiration through experience of the lives of others holier than ourselves, to learn of rules and regulations that we may want to impose on ourselves to be able to draw nearer to Him. Careful with guilt though, it is important to repent for our sins, but do not let it destroy you. We all fall, and guilt can lead us to the confessional, or back to those we have harmed to seek forgiveness, but after this we must let it go. We must move on with our lives however warped we are by our sins, and push toward the ideals that God sets out for us, each of us individually in our own lives. As someone wise once said, bring glory to God in whatever you are doing, whether ruling a country as king, or picking up the trash, do it all in the light of God's saving kingdom. Know that your work is not in vain, but builds up the kingdom on earth, until one day we can go home to our Maker and continue singing the joy that we have found throughout our lives!

Hoy día quiero exponer un asunto que me ha molestado por tanto tiempo, que no puedo evitar de pensar solamente en el momento. Entonces que cada vez me pongo aun más profundamente bajo las influencias de la gente que me rodea. Así que a veces ni imagino cómo serán las cosas fuera de la situación en que estoy envuelto. Ahorita considero vagar por el mundo, dejando todo lo anterior atrás o mejor llevando solamente las experiences y las relaciones conmigo. No sé qué quiero hacer al final, pero en este momento estudio para maestría y en el próximo quién puede saber lo que me vendrá. Posiblemente me llevará hasta el fin del mundo. En este momento reflexiono sobre irme a Chile para enseñar clases en la universidad por allá. También sobre volver a El Salvador y la gente de allá para enseñar de nuevo y pasar más tiempo con los salvadoreños tan llenos de fe. Es posible que vaya a Europa para visitar a mi amiga en Francia, y de ella a España, Alemania o Rusia. Las cosas se les arreglarán, pero es que no puedo esperarlas porque ni tengo paciencia para poder hacerlo.

Hay que pensar fuera del momento, hay que soñar, hay que experimentar lo cuanto que hay lejos de tu puerta, que hay otros mundos para explorar y en que debes dormir en la calle. Debes comer de todo, caminar por todo, cantar en la esquina de una ciudad italiana, sembrar en las chacras de Latinoamérica, tomar el vodka de Rusia, pasear por las montañas de Suiza, ni sé qué más hay para hacer en esta vida demasiada corta.

Viva, vivan, cante, canten, y así encontrarás tu vida!!!

Mo(u)rning

I have a strange fixation for the different periods of the day. In my younger days the night was my time, a period in which I could feel comfortable and accomplish much, but now I have become a man of the morning. I enjoy getting up early and getting a lot done. Today my alarm did not go off, and when I looked at the clock it said 6am, so I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Well little did I know, but we had lost power during the night, and so when I could not fall asleep, and looked at my phone I realized it was 9am and I had to go! Still, had it been a few years earlier I would have easily slept until 11am, but as it is I enjoy the fact that I still wake up early.

This is not what I want to say though, for behind every deceptively simple morning of our lives lies something deeper, a deeper yearning, feelings and emotions that we cannot fully comprehend or understand. Such is the nature of my life right now, that emotions flow through me, and I want to heed them and follow where they lead, but my mind stops my advance. When can we be sure? When can all of our doubts be assuaged and our fears be taken away? I don't know that this is ever possible, and hence the difficulty of life becomes choosing in the absence of absolute knowledge as to what we are to do or what will bring us joy.

At this point in life I cannot know what this is, and by the time we know exactly what we want we are too old to get it. Maybe it is better to chase down all the paths until we arrive at a place in which we find contentment. Maybe I have found it already and need to acknowledge this reality. Maybe the world still lies open to my pursuit and I need to go out and explore it to the fullest. This desire inside me, to go, to seek, to become a vagabond will live inside me and die if I do not heed it. And yet, what is more important? And what is more important to me? What is most loving for me to do at this point in my life, both toward me and toward the one I love? How can one decide?

How much is love worth? Interesting that all these things would arrive around St. Valentine's Day. I assure you that all will be most well. No matter where you find yourself too, God is watching out for us all and taking care of all the things that are out of our hands. We have only to put our hearts in Him and seek the deepest desires of our hearts!

The summer

I should have informed you all as to my plan for the blog...as it turns out there will be both Spanish speakers and English speakers reading, and so from here on out I will alternate the language of my posts, both for the benefit of both audiences and for the propagation of my learning of Spanish, etc.

Today I mentioned to my professor from Madrid, Spain that my name "Timoteo" in Spanish means "honoring God" and that this can be noted by the "-teo" suffix, which is a fairly clear reference to God "theos" or something along these lines. She went on to say that "timo" can come from the verb "timar" which means to "swindle" or "rip off" and so I guess I should not get into etymological discussions with my professors if I can avoid them.

As to the stated topic of this post, I am extremely endebted to Kelly Washbourne and Roberto Pizarro for the help they have lent in making my summer dreams begin to come to formulation. I am in kind of a stressful point right now, as I have decided to give final word on one possibility for the summer in a month and a half, and as of now I have nothing else on the table. The problem is that I cannot quite decide where I want to go. Colombia holds much intrigue and many connections for me and my brother Joe, and hence I would love to pass part of the summer in Bogotá, however I don't know how I would start getting myself established there unless I simply arrived and tried to find some work from there. I would like to try and continue teaching at the university/high school level, and then have this cover my expenses while at the same time taking some classes, working on translation jobs, and overall seeing what else is possible with my new career decision. My only thought is that I would like to spend this time abroad with someone else. Overseas experiences are never quite the same without someone with which to share them, and up to this point I have not yet found that person.

There are new possibilities popping up every day, all of which seem interesting and compelling. And yet the Lord tells me in prayer, when I am quiet and still enough, which is not often, that only one thing is needed. And Mary has chosen the better part. Lord please aid me in this quest, and I would appreicate the rest of your opinons as well.

Neruda

Me gusta tanto el título del trabajo q hizo él cuando estaba en México. Se llama Confieso que he Vivido y es una descripción linda de su experiencia en la tierra de los aztecas, de los mayas, de los mexicanos...traducimos un pedazo de la obra para la clase de traducción literaria, y la verdad es que no estoy seguro de me vaya a gustar esta clase. No es por las profesoras que son buenísimas, sino que la idea de traducir una obra de su lengua hasta mi lengua de una manera que mantiene los significados, el contenido, o cualquiera de las otras cosas que un traductor puede escoger parece muy difícil. Lo más difícil, supongo, sería enseñar una clase así, y por eso estoy muy agradecido a las profesoras que se han atrevido a esta hazaña.

Más esto quiero comentar sobre la idea que me encendió Neruda a través de sus memorias dentro de la obra descrita arriba. Pensaba antes que las circunstancias del mundo determinaba cómo desarrollaban las plantas, los animales y las otras cosas que tenemos que están pegados de alguna manera a una parte del mundo. Pero ahora a través de los pensamientos de Neruda, pienso que es también por el miedo que tenemos como humanos de experimentar algo nuevo. El autor habla sobre la ¨convencional frase diplomática¨ que supone que el mundo es universal, que no hay nada distinto en ninguna parte, que somos todos nosotros lo mismo. Pero no es así, ni quiere Neruda oír que alguien dice que sea así. A él y a mi nos gusta la idea de que el mundo es distinto en cada parte. Aunque a veces parece que tenemos las mismas cosas, seguro que son distintos por su manera de haberse formado o vendido o quién sabe?

Entonces, la idea que todo el mundo es el mismo, que ninguno de nosotros es algo particular, específico, significante, no me queda. Y va con el miedo. Porque si yo puedo imaginar que un otro país es en realidad lo mismo que mi país, no tengo que tener miedo de lo que me puede hacer a mi. Pero si acepto la realidad que es verdaderamente distinto, entonces tiene que cambiar mi punto de vista hacia el mundo. Y no quiero cambiar. Sé cómo vivir mi vida y estoy cómodo con ese modo. Este idea puede hacer que funcione bien una vida en que uno no tiene mucho aceso a viajar, pero si es posible, viajar es ampliar la mente, la capacidad para ideas, el punto de vista hacia el mundo. Todo cambia, y diría por lo mejor.

Sobre un asunto personal, sé que me falta mucho todavía para poder hablar español como lo quiero poder usar para comunicar. Pero en el momento lo que tengo tendrá que ser bastante para terminar con el programa y luego para manejarme en un país latino. La vida será como será, y normalmente pasan los momentos más importantes en las cosas que no escogemos ni habíamos esperado. La vida es mejor así, sin miedo y con todos los caminos abiertos para seguir explorando!!!!

El Salvador Reflection

It is an unhealthy tendency we sometimes have here in the States to claim that we have everything. We speak of poverty in other parts of the world, and how we can go about eradicating it, though we fail to recognize the poverty that we ourselves possess. Upon arriving to El Salvador I was half-prepared for a mob of overzealous people to overtake us and take from us what they needed. This may happen in certain cases, but under the care of Padre Rafa we encountered no problems and instead people whose material needs were great, though often went unacknowledged especially by them. Instead, friendship, family, and overall joy outshine the lack of these material things. In one week I drew closer to some of the Salvadorans than I am with people here in the States with whom I have worked for several months. They certainly know how to develop friendships...

Which need is more acute then? The needs that stem from material poverty or from relational poverty? For blessed are the poor, and from those in El Salvador, I learned even more deeply the value of things immaterial; the matters of the soul.