Slumdog Millionaire

"A victim of the circumstances," in the US is often seen as a cop-out, something that you really could have avoided, but that you gave in to of your free will. Such has long been my perception of the phrase, but I am learning to think differently. Slowly I am coming to understand what it is like in other regions of the world, outside the warm, private, and un-fenced-in homes to which we are here accustomed. There are parts of the world where a home is something that is constantly in flux, where daily life is a struggle to merely provide for the most basic of needs. People are calling throughout the world for help, and we do hear their cry, we do send aid, but do we really understand what they endure? I for one, do not think that I can even begin to comprehend what life is like for the majority of the people who live in this world. I have long said that we here in the US do not understand poverty, and my suspicions are confirmed when I watch films such as "Slumdog Millionaire"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIzbwV7on6Q) or the "City of God" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioUE_5wpg_E). I have yet to experience any of this first-hand, and by all rights the conditions in these particular places may and likely have already improved.

However, as they say with poverty in the metropolises here in the US, if you try to cure poverty in one area, it simply moves to another. Take for example the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago....I did some internet research here and I think it is important that I point this out. The Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago is intimately tied to the "diaspora" movement of Puerto Ricans from their home land to the United States. As it turns out, what I had come to understand as gang violence that was rife in this area, in truth had a much deeper cause (see http://nationalyounglords.com/). The Puerto Rican people were fighting for justice, against an administration that would give them nothing and often repressed the men and women who at first only wanted a decent place to live, and the freedom to make a life. However as the controversy got more heated there were acts committed on both sides that crossed the lines, though the above website makes it appear as though the Puerto Rican movement was in the right (known as the Young Lords). I am now intrigued to do further research at DePaul University now seated in the affluent suburb still known as Lincoln Park to get to the truth of the matter.

This simple revelation indicates that the truth is not always what it seems, that we need to dig deeper and always ask more questions. It is never ok to write someone off until we have spoken with them, given them a chance, and really sought to understand their circumstances, for they may be, and often are far different from our own.

The principle I began to establish above relating to the movement of poverty can I think be simplified down to one simple, and truthful claim, "The poor you will always have with you," stated by Jesus Christ himself. And the world is constant proof of the truth contained in His words. I challenge you then to open your eyes beyond the world that lies on your front doorstep, in your state, or even in your country. Go there, or at least read a bit, watch a movie that presents you with the uncomfortable reality that not everyone lives in the same state as we here do. Not all of us has the ability to do something about this poverty, and the accompanying violence that can sometimes characterize the struggle to survive. But what impact will you have on the world at large? Will you perpetuate an ignorant society that thrives on what it has, but does not often think of how these things are possible? Does our prosperity truly depend on poverty elsewhere? All I ask you to do is think about it, think with me and open your eyes to the Truth. Yes it is challenging, and yes it forces us to look beyond where we may feel comfortable. But there is true freedom there, a better understanding of that man that walks by and speaks with a funny accent, or the family that converses in a foreign language, or the woman on the bus who veils her face; to us they may seem strange customs, but have we ever really asked why they are here?

And some of these persons are I daresay the fortunate ones. They were able to escape their circumstances to new opportunity for a better life here, which by the way is the only thing this country promises: the OPPORTUNITY for a better life, we do not have a right to any kind of prosperity outside of that which we ourselves go out and earn with the sweat of our backs or the fatigue of our minds. And these that come often have no fear of doing just this. And so, do we write them off as talking funny, or dressing weird, or do we ask the questions that lead to the truth? I think our lives could be all the richer for stopping, asking, and coming to a deeper understanding of the life experience of all God's people.

Inspiration

Does your life inspire you? Or are there things and people that inspire you to live your life? I think that the latter is what we should strive for. As a good friend of mine has said, paraphrasing the wisdom of Chesterton, the most dangerous sin of all is pride, because it attacks us when we are strongest. Hence for us to be inspired by our own lives would be to give in to some measure of hubris or pride that could potentially prove fatal for us. This then leaves us at times uncertain though. Our humility can lead us to think that our lives are inconsequential, and we lose inspiration to continue forging our path in this world, however with the aid of a friend that can all change.

Though your life may not seem all that exciting to you, it can make a world of difference for someone else. Just as my mother always says when we go to garage sales around this time of year, "One man's junk is another man's treasure," or to expand it to this context, what one man does not value all that much about himself may be the source of unlimited inspiration for someone else. Such occurred today. I sat and talked with a friend from the past and discussed our current states in life, as well as what the future may bring. For me her life as a mother and part-time teacher was compelling, because she is a part of something and is living her vocation most fully! For her, my life unbound by any responsibilities whatsoever, and traveling to foreign countries, learning to speak new tongues and studying for my master's degree seemed all too compelling. Hence, though neither one of us may always be inspired by what we get up and do every day, through the eyes of another we are able to experience and be grateful for what we have. This again shows then how necessary it is to remain in touch with those around us, and to share, really share, those things that are close to our hearts. Because in doing this we open the minds of those around us and really appreciate others, and perhaps more importantly, we appreciate what we have ourselves.

Not one of us can know what the future brings, but every single one of us needs affirmation at different points in time. And so I challenge you to go out and find someone that you have not spoken with for a long time. Meet in person, for no other method can really do it justice, sit down and share your life. "Convivir!" And in this way things may become clearer to you, and life can be a dream-chasing adventure once again!

Life and Death

Henri Nouwen makes the point that every choice comes at the expense of something. From the moment we are born, when birth opens us to the promise of a new world, but we leave the comfort of our mother's womb forever, to the point wherein we marry and take on a new exciting life with the man or woman we love, but leave the comfort of life in our parents' home forever. Life is a constant flow of decisions that open us to new things, but at the same time close us off forever to the old. It is a beautiful understanding of this life and one that gives me much consolation. For to truly engage in a new epoch in our lives, we must leave the old behind and thrust ourselves completely into the new life that the Lord has offered us. We must overcome our fear to be able to do this, for without it we will never move on in life. Too often I fall to the tendency of not wanting to enter into something new, because I realize that something has to end for this to occur. I wish sometimes that this were not the case, but in truth for us to move in a healthy way through this life, we must move from baby to child to man or woman without looking back.

Today I realized that I have worked my whole life to get where I am today, and that now I am spinning my wheels because I am afraid to take the next step, and so I am waiting, hoping not to have to break from the comfort zone that I have found. But this is not my destiny, our destiny is to continue growing until the day we die. To continue discovering life anew until there is no more time left for us here on this earth. Nouwen lived his life in this way, though he did experience inhibitions and fears in moving from one thing to the next in his life, he always offered it up to our Creator as a means of discerning whether the next step was indeed the one that lay before him. Discernment in this life can be so hard because there are so many forces trying to push and pull us in the direction that some marketing company or advertisement wants us to go, but only in nurturing a quiet awareness inside of ourselves can we know what comes from the Almighty and what is simply coming from external forces. I still believe that it is our deepest desires that should lead us along the right way for us in this life. We must look to the things that we have most desired from the beginning and from these glean which choice is the appropriate one for us to move on.

I have been very fortunate in this life to have been blessed by so many good friends and people who both help me along, and look to me for guidance, and all of you have helped me to learn more about myself and you and the God who created us all. The answers do not lie outside of us, but rather within us. This life is not about what you do, what career you choose, what kind of possessions you have, but rather the depth of your friendships, your ability to exist in solitude, and to seek what it is that really helps you to become the best version of yourself.

I pray that all of you would take a deeper look into your soul as I am trying to do, and find the hopes and dreams that lie there. Not the ones for material gain or fame or any of these, but rather the things that you love to do, and the dreams that lie therein. For truly, do what you love and the money will follow. Why we are so consumed with the necessity to make a certain amount of money in this life is continually frustrating to me. Why can we not be happy with whatever we make and make our lives out of that? This endless rat race does not get us anywhere, but unfortunately leaves us as nothing but rats at the end. Why not take a look at the rat that you are, and work on what lies inside, or to change the analogy to a caterpillar; why run around and try to become the best caterpillar, when you have the tremendous potential to focus on what lies inside, to endure the trials and struggles that form the cocoon of our lives, to come out as a butterfly on the other side?!?! Let us try and live this life, seeking, asking, knocking, and thus finding what it is that we most want to be, and in this way focusing not on the death of the things that we leave behind, but rather on the life of the things that lie ahead in our lives!

May God bless and keep you all!

Adventure

Where do we quench our taste for adventure in the modern life? In ancient times as at the Battle of Thermopylae, subject of the recent film "300" men had the opportunity to fight and die for what they believed in. I suppose that we do today as well, but the idea of glory and honor and true patriotism seem to be far from the modern trend. Whereas the ancient Spartans were honored for their fighting, we spit on and insult our soldiers when they return from the lands on which they defend our freedom. The Battle of the 300 went down in history as an example in which free men defended their free lands against a force that far outnumbered them, and succeeded in holding them off until their secret was betrayed. Where is this in the modern day? Name one way in which a man who has the desire for glory and honor can find satisfaction in this American life. Men in the US it seems are neutered these days and have no concept of what it means to fight, to defend freedom, to maintain honor, to seek glory! The battlefield has become the business world in which passive arms such as clothing and other possessions are the arms used to demonstrate superiority over other men, and battles are launched in meetings with Starbucks in hand. What have we become? Where does a man who desires to stand and fight for what is right find a place amongst such as these?

For those of you who enjoy the modern setting, I challenge you to look beyond the setting that for us has become normal. It is not normal. Nowhere else in the world do they have such luxuries as we possess here in the US. No I do not want to have to fight for my every daily meal, but I do see the value for a man in what that would mean for his concepts of freedom, honor, and glory. Today we use our freedoms not to defend, but to kill. We may look on the Spartans as barbarians for killing the children that did not fit a standard, and for forcing their young men into such fighting. But there is value there, there is something in the man's soul that calls out for this, that desires to reach beyond this ordinary and at times mundane every day life.

And there are arenas wherein this battle may be fought. They have only to be found by following the desires of our hearts. Some find it in sporting competition, others in political debate, some in theological and philosophical discussion, and still others find it in defending their country as part of the military forces. Perhaps the manifestation of our quest for adventure will be different for each one of us, but every single one of us, whether we admit it or not, has a thirst for adventure that stands ready to be quenched. We can live our whole lives never quenching this thirst, but won't we then be living a life of quiet desperation, one that seeks what it cannot have? Why do this? Seek adventure, run to the next thing that inspires you and thrust yourself in with all your might! Do not ask what tomorrow will bring, but fight the battle of life today! Life is too short....tomorrow you may fertilize the ground and be the food of worms, but today, oh today, you may fight!

When quiet desperation threatens our lives, let us not waver in our defense of adventure, in fulfilling this desire inside us, but rather let us say to those who would question our pursuits, who want us to be like everyone else, "Come try and take it from me," but they will not be able to, because it lives inside of and drives us to live more fully every day. "Come and get them" is what Leonidas said to the Persians who commanded him to lay down his arms, let us say the same as we take up our own in our fight for what is good and true in this ever-too-short life!

Corpus Christi

If ever there was a time of a beautiful show of orthodoxy, it was this past Corpus Christi Sunday, wherein we processed around the Cathedral of St. Peter on a lovely day here in Rockford, Illinois. We revered the Blessed Sacrament by placing it in the monstrance for all to see, and lauding it with a procession of candles, crucifix, and flowers around the campus of the church. It was beautiful how everything came together and we were truly a witness to the community around us. Throughout the world various Roman Catholic communities held the same celebration, even down in Honduras as my good friend John Donaghy documents in his latest blog post (http://hermanojuancito.blogspot.com). This is the true beauty of the Catholic Church, that one body of believers can unite across continents and worlds into one living and breathing community that proclaims the truth, as we did this past Sunday, to all whose hearts are open to the faith, hope, and love in Christ. It was a magnificent experience to be a part of, and even within our own church we had representatives present from all walks of life, that show the true universality of the Church. Too often I have heard that the Roman Catholic Church is too stringent, too rule-based, for the tastes of those whom I have met before, but I hesitate to agree with this claim as I myself am an example of how imperfect one can be and still be a part of the Church. I have seen so many different people from so many different backgrounds, cultures, languages, and skin colors all attend congregations of the same Catholic Church, of the same community of the same capital "C" Church that reaches to the farthest corners of this beautiful world in which we have the privilege to live.

What do we have to cling to in this ever pervasive life? Or maybe the questions would be better asked at significant points in this life. Why are there people who want the Church to be there for them for the baptism of their children, their later marriage, and then their own funerals? What is it about the Church that calls them home at these specific points in life? Why not go every weekend or just not go at all? I think at the heart of all this is the reality of the leap of faith. If we make it then we align ourselves with the Church, her teachings, doctrines, and dogmas and lead our lives accordingly. Should we not be able to make the leap of faith, as doubting Thomas was unable until our Lord returned to reassure him of the Truth, then we may find ourselves unable to consider ourselves a part of the Church and to follow Her. But should we find ourselves somewhere in between, we have an in-between relationship with Her.

But it is the moments like this past Sunday, when the beauty of the orthodoxy of the Church is put on display for all to see, when the source and summit of our faith is made manifest and all people of all walks of life stop and watch, including Catholics who have been faithful to the Church their entire lives; this is the moment at which our faith becomes real. We are truly reaching out to those around us, not apologizing for what we believe in, but instead standing up for the truth in all of its difficulty, and holding to the daring orthodoxy that is the basis of our faith. On this day I had the phrase enter my mind, "Let us be warriors for Christ! Let us fight for what we believe in!" And luckily in our nation here in the US, we have the luxury of fighting with words, but I think this has led us not to fight at all. Do we really believe in what we demonstrated this past weekend? How do we show it? As Fr. Ken Wasilewski, who is pictured with the monstrance above challenged us, "How do we show to others that our reception of Christ in the holy sacrament of the Eucharist is truly changing our lives toward Him?" So let us be warriors for the cause of Christ, let us fight for what we believe in, and not fall to the relativism of the world that surrounds us. It is to us, are we up to the challenge? I believe so. Let us go forth and take up our cross!

My thanks are in order to Deacon Chuck Cooper who took the photo(s) I have published above. Thanks also to Fr. Ken Wasilewski and Deacon Bob for the beautiful Corpus Christi celebration that took place this past Sunday. May God bless and keep you, and all of you who have read this post.

The beginning of an era...

Here you can see me and my friends Mike, Kris, and John at a lovely little place called Mulgrew's, which can be found in the bucolic suburb of Dubuque, lovingly called "East Dubuque" that falls on the Illinois side, which is, of course, the better side! After a lovely evening of carousing at a wonderful wedding celebration we found ourselves here at this lovely little bar, not leaving until 1am, and thence not arriving back to Rockford until 3am. What an amazing night! We lived it up at a beautiful wedding whose reception was had at a beautiful convention center on the banks of the always impressive Mississippi River. I realize that I have so much to be thankful for in terms of my friends and all others who have so blessed my life throughout the last 24 years. Even as we sat together this Saturday evening at a friend's place I was reminded again of how small the world is, and yet just how many people we encounter in our lives, and thus the power we have to influence one another, whether for positive or for negative.

I believe that we need to take fuller account of just how much we can impact one another, and to focus more intently on affecting one another for the positive. It has been a fortunate turn of events that I have had opportunity to come home, and to stay with my parents and catch up with old friends. And these are always the best, the ones who know us best, and can see most clearly through the problems and issues that may have plagued us for months. These are the people who will always be there for us no matter what happens, and we need to remember this on every occasion that we have to interact with them.

I hope that this blog can become more and more of a testament to the importance of friends and family in our lives, and how our relationships with one another direct our eyes heavenward and help us endure the sometimes challenging situations we must endure here on this earth. We must also, however, remember to celebrate the good times, and always be thankful for the opportunities to praise God with our true joy and laughter. We are most truly blessed who have experienced this joy, and now it is to us to share it with those around us, that the entire world may become a testament to the truth, and to the freedom found in living a life for Christ. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, such that whosoever believe in Him, might not perish but have eternal life!" Let us live this every day!

Updates

I really need to work on updating the format of this blog and am going to look into other things to add to it. I would like to start adding photos and have reflections on them, and perhaps this will be the first entry that I do that with. Other required updates have to do with my life in general. I need to learn to be more patient, to be more hopeful for a better tomorrow, and to spend more time with people that help me to think in this way. Things are actually very good right now in my life. There have been many blessings and many difficulties, and by the grace of God all things have turned out well, and I am completely free to choose whichever road I want to follow from here. Some opportunities still need to be decided on, and others I perhaps need to let fall, but this is possibly part of the secret to life, that we discover the things that we enjoy and pursue them to the fullest. For example, I love volleyball, and so I have it set up that I play about three times per week here at home. It is nice to have all the connections and a good memory of what's going on to be able to make that happen. This evening it is off to Dubuque for a wedding reception, and I know neither the bride nor the groom, but Mike is coming too!

It's a beautiful morning, and promises to be a productive day. We have a garage sale to put together, and I have a bit of translating that I should get working on. I am starting to adjust to not having as much to do, which may come back to bite me when I get back to grad school, but for the moment it is refreshing, and encouraging that life can indeed be relaxing and somewhat transparent with regard to what we want to do with it. When I am at home, this is much more true than when I am in other places. A comment on this....

I have been to many places outside of my home country, and my tendency is to down-talk the place I have come from, and to promote the values, morals, traditions of the foreign culture as the "better" option. However I have learned that this is not necessarily the most positive approach. All that this has lead me to do is adopt the values, morals, traditions of the culture I am experiencing instead of my own, and we cannot live this way. It is to live a lie. Just because it is ok for someone from that culture to live in that way, does not mean that the same way of life would not be detrimental to my own way. I believe that we must learn to appreciate all cultures throughout the world, but cling to the truth in them all. The truth will lead us to correct values, morals, and healthy traditions. Sometimes this can become unclear, especially when everything in the foreign culture seems so vogue and much better than what we had in the culture we left. However, at the end of the day, all we have to rely on are our own experiences, which have shaped us in the way we are. We do not have the basis that the other person from the other culture possesses as a groundwork for their beliefs and way of living. Thus it is important to always come back to the truths that you have learned from your own life, and not simply adapt everything to the foreign beliefs you have learned. For if we do this, at the end of it all, we are no one, pertain to no people and no culture, and blow about as a leaf in the wind to whatever the dominant beliefs of the day are at that place and time.

May we hold to the self-evident truths in our own lives, and go seeking the others that we have to discover in other cultures, and that can broaden our understanding of the central Truth that governs all creation. For in coming to a deeper and deeper understanding of this Truth, we are more and more set free to live as we know to be right, and to have all the opportunities and accomplish the wildest dreams that we can ever imagine.

Finding Truth

Trust in the Lord and He will show you His pathways. Believe that He died for your sins and they will be washed away. Then dream your greatest dream, hope beyond all hopes, for anything is possible with God. Sometimes I wonder that some of these truths flow so easily to my mind. How is it that this happens, and yet for others these truths are so hard to grasp? I find them easy to understand and accept, but so many out there lie contrary to the truths that Christ showed us by His coming to earth. This is what's wrong with the world, that we hesitate to give ourselves over to things because we are afraid: afraid of being wrong, of being right, of following the wrong path, or following the right path. But there is no path! There is no picture that has everything rightly placed within it...only our conscience and our emotions, our feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, our interests, talents, and the things that we know about ourselves. And we have to operate on these. But let me tell you that letting God in allows us to see ourselves in a whole new light and to understand new things about us, that carry us ever forward in our development. And the faith that God is up there waiting for us, desiring us to enter and become part of His kingdom, shows all of this to be important, but in the end we will have to let it go. So why hold on so tight? Why not give everything we have in this life, devote our time to friends and family instead of amassing things that will ultimately pass away. It is our choice and our decision, let us search for what makes us come alive, but always be ready to give that life for something that we believe in.

Peace

That ever evasive quality that we seek to achieve in our lives. Neither accomplished by ignoring the rules in life, nor by unswervingly adhering to them. Peace is found in unexpected places, and at times that we never would have thought it would come to us. I used to think, and still do hope that these times in our lives are indications of something that we need to maintain in our lives; perhaps a sport that inspires us to coaching, or a book that inspires us to think, an academic major that challenges us to think beyond the proverbial envelope. Yet I have learned that our minds must also be at peace in these times. Our entire being must be in harmony for true peace to exist. Reason and dreaming must meet somewhere, not one abandoned in favor of the other. This abandonment is of course very possible, and perhaps even common, that we should so abandon one in absolute favor of the other, but this is counterproductive to our development. We must somehow come back to the point where there existed some measure of balance in our past, and start from there to truly find this entirety of peace, that can truly fill our entire person, if only we are willing to let it. Too often we want to exert an excess of control, or let things fall where they may without taking any responsibility for our ability to affect the outcome. I believe that we will encounter both imbalances at different periods in our lives, and it is important to maintain that inner compass that is searching for the best version of our self, and to follow that to our ultimate destiny.

There is a beautiful union of taking responsibility and letting go, that work together to form our lives into what we want them to be in our heart of hearts; and that is that they would be fulfilling, lending a sense of accomplishment, and having made some sort of positive impact on the world in which we live. Might I say that this most often comes in our relationships with others, who help us to grow as individuals and learn about ourselves, as well as become aware of how we affect those around us, such that we get a much clearer view of the possible roles that we are capable of playing in this life.

I must admit that up to this point I have allowed these insights to be a kind of eliminator for me, that what I learn about myself and my effect on others should somehow show me what I should NOT do with my life. But I think the contrary is both more useful and more healthy, in that we take from every experience, every interaction, every act of every day, an insight into something that we can do that helps in the development of our very selves, and those around us, and thereby has an effect on the whole world.

World peace is unfortunately impossible in this world of so many nations and peoples, that is without the intervention of God. But what did He do when He came to earth? Yes he taught on a broad scale to all those who would listen, but more importantly he came into relationship with people. Jesus had the power to change as many hearts as He did because of His divine nature, but it was His humanity that allowed him to enter personally into the lives of John the Beloved and the apostles, Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha, and Lazarus. Through his relationship with these, he reached out beyond the grave and affected the lives of the many who encountered these and the apostles. We do not possess the power of Christ's divinity, however as a people devoted to Him, we can allow our humanity to serve in the same way that Jesus' humanity served God while He walked this earth. We can enter intensely into relationship with one another, challenging each other to encounter and embrace the truth, which will transform our lives and make us into greater human persons and ultimately greater witnesses to our Lord and Creator. He asks only that we love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, and body; and that we love our neighbor as we love our very self. Thus it starts with God, who lends us an inner peace, that we can then share with others, and that will ultimately lead them back to the ultimate answer to peace in our lives. Christ said, "Peace be with you!" Let us carry this message to all peoples by allowing our humanity and human actions to be transformed by His love, and thereby impact the lives of all those who encounter us.

Thankfulness

There are so many things that I have to be thankful for in this life as of late, that I have not commented on due to the overly busy nature of my life. Now though, it is a beautiful day at home in Rockford, Illinois, and the outlook looks bright. Only three weeks ago yesterday I received the call to embark upon one of the most exciting and pivotal experiences of my life. A young woman who I now have the privilege to call a friend, called me in the midst of my final exam for one of the translation courses with which I have most struggled over the past year. She asked me whether I would like to interpret for a couple that was coming from Cuba to stay with and visit the church of her father, a Methodist minister in northeastern Ohio. After a day of deliberation and arrangement, I agreed. With that I interpreted before a congregation of Christians as the two pastors from Cuba shared their stories about their church that is taking shape in a country that once allowed for no such practices. They spoke of the differences between the governments of our countries, but how this does not affect the relationship between peoples. And truly this is the case for all of us. That we need to approach the person we encounter in one another instead of rely on all the preconceived notions and perceptions in our heads. We spoke in front of the church gathering, bible studies, a youth group, schools, and participated in various other church activities as well. We visited an organic farm, a zoo, went to a baseball game, and conversed at length at the home of the pastor from Ohio. It was in all an amazing experience, and showed me that God can work no matter the circumstances.

This changed me irrevocably. I am amazed at how God took my feeble abilities to speak two languages and brought me into a situation with people I had never met before, and allowed me to be the one to help them communicate. And now, even further, the pastor has been so gracious as to invite me to Cuba, to teach a class on the Theology of the Kingdom, the Gospels. My interests in Spanish and theology have reached a sort of climax, and all of this will contribute to the completion of my case study next year.

After I would complete it I feel that I may need to leave this economy for some time. Had I been born and raised, and then stayed here, I believe that I would have been able to remain and work here; but as I have experienced life differently: a more relaxed life, closer to family and friends, I feel that I need to return to the place where my heart was at rest, and where I jumped out of bed every morning. I know that it was a short experience, but I can remember never sleeping in in my bed in Peru. I was always up and out and on to the next thing. There was always something to do that day. And I was inspired!

However, speaking with the pastor from Ohio of late, the passion returned. I was able to speak with conviction once again, and I believe it is the force of God returning to my life. There are many accounts that still need settling, many problems that need resolution, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is something in my life to look forward to. And I don't know that it includes the term "professional". I don't like the concept, I don't like the practice, I don't know though because there are definitely times when I want to be treated this way, and times when I do not. I struggle to figure out in my mind, where I want to be in this world, and what I want to be doing, but it is the struggle that helps us to figure out where we are going.

On a beautiful day like this I wish I could just go out and enjoy it. Wander around without a care or thought in my mind, but the reality is that my mind is always going, is always thinking, and cannot often be at rest. Perhaps this is why I have wandered so long and so far, and still have not come to anything concrete.

Interesting thoughts....I hope I am back to writing on here more often....thanks to those of you who have the patience to read....