New Years

I suppose there are few times better than the New Year´s celebration to reflect on the past and where in the future it may lead. Life thus far for me has been a journey and an adventure. There have been moments that have given me pause, but I have always maintained some measure of fervor and excitement in approaching the future. That is, until now. I feel that maybe it is only a moment, a fleeting experience of apathy and uncertainty in which I feel paralyzed as to where to go. This more accurately describes my experience of the past weeks, and not necessarily today as I believe God blessed me with an inspiring dream last night and I look forward now to the prospect of new travel frontiers and destinations in the coming months. I do not yet know where all of this will lead, but writing as I do here helps me to visualize all of this and put it all into perspective such that I can make some sort of decision.

I was told last night by a very good friend of mine that I am very contemplative and I like to ponder on the realities of life that are impacted by every moment that we live on this earth. Every act is monumental, and becomes a part of us in that we learn something from it, or that it has a somewhat permanent affect on our person. I have enjoyed the moments of my life thus far and up to this point, but have found myself at yet another poignant precipice from which I must cast out into the deep yet again. I like that I have tried to do everything in my life against the grain, apart from what is conventional, and which takes some measure of courage and an ability to deal with new fears and uncertainties. I yearn to feel this again, I yearn for that next shining horizon, for that next opportunity to arise. And yet I wonder whether it lies inside me. I wonder whether my travels and adventures are coming to a close and that it is time that I invest more in what is already here with and inside me. I do not quite know what this means either, but I do know that whatever is to come in the next few months, it will look very different from the past ones.

God is the only constant. He is the only one we can appeal to in every situation, and Who keeps us from despair when we encounter a situation in which we cannot have what we want, as pure as the desire may be; when we are uncertain of what the future will bring; when our hearts feel empty and we would be lost otherwise. God, what do you want from me? This question has echoed endlessly in my mind, and just when it seems that He has shown me my path, it changes again. Another wrench is thrown in the works and I am cast yet again somewhere else. This is of course not only the work of God, my own volition has also contributed to the multitude and breadth of the experiences that I have had in the past few years, but I can only attribute their variance and quality to the work of God. He is leading me somewhere and asks me only to take courage and follow. Prior to this point in my life I was a source of strength for many others, but I feel now that God is calling me to put my faith more completely in Him, and to let Him show me where the path leads next, or rather, where I am to forge a new one.

The next several years could bring summer in Spain, teaching in Latin America, learning Russian in Eastern Europe somewhere, studying Arabic, theology, German, French, any language: more Spanish; and though no one else may be, God will be there through it all. This is what both I and we all must remember as we forge ahead in our own lives. That God is constant in all things, especially in wanting what's best for us, and though this at times may be a trying reality, good will come of it all in the end. Thank you Lord for all you have shown me thus far in life, and for all that is to come!