Kent, OH

It is somewhat strange to be back in Kent, OH. There is so much the same, and yet everything different. In some ways I want it back the way it was, with all the people who were once here, living in the place where I lived before; but things have changed, and I am excited for what the future will bring. There is always some level of apprehension when starting something again anew. I felt it every time I started another year at Iowa State, and it comes to me again. It is always most acute when we separate from those dearest to us, and for me that took place this morning in parting with my father who made the long trip back to Illinois. There is something to be discovered inside of us when we consider how we react to situations such as these. I tend to have intense feelings of excitement, accompanied by intense feelings of loneliness. It is dangerous and somewhat scary to cast off on your own, and thanks be to God, this time I am not alone, since I have good friends here to spend time with, and let the pangs of homesickness and longing for the past subside. And I guess there is something to brutal honesty for me when it comes to these things. Instead of keeping it all pent up inside, I would rather that the whole world knew that I am struggling inside, struggling perhaps with some of the same things that you endure in your own life, but that the world tells us must be extracted from our souls. Cut out until we feel no pain anymore and can adapt to any change as if it were nothing.

The unknown always tends to bring apprehension, and this move back to Kent is no exception. There are a lot of known factors here, but not all, as this year could bring just about anything. But along with the apprehension there is joy that this inspires as well. Joy at knowing that this year could bring a new discovery, a new journey, a new friend, a deepening of an old friendship. I am excited about my new roommate who returns from his summer tour of Germany and Italy. I am excited about having my own apartment, my own place in the world. I am excited for all the new adventures that this new year could bring with the Church, the graduate student senate, teaching, learning, refereeing, conferences, interpreting, and all the other things that this new year will entail.

Just like anyone else, I sometimes find myself longing for the past, but push forward to a future that I know will turn just as it is supposed to. There is always hope. For we have our Lord to show us the way to His Truth. And this is especially good because there is as currently no electricity in my apartment because I forgot to call and have it changed to my name! Oh well! C'est la vie! I love you all and want you to know that I care for you deeply and thank you for all that you have contributed to my life. Without you I would not be where I am today. I would not be asking the questions I am asking, and seeking the way that I know I will find to the fulfillment of my life. Live greater, it is our calling...

Friendship

If I have not written an entry under this title already, it has fallen under some other classification. I thank God every day for the friends that I have, and for the quality of my friendships. Friends truly help us through every trial, every difficult moment, and are always there to share the joys that may come in our lives. The Lord is to be thanked for every friend who has the patience to sit and try to understand what we are going through in our lives, and to help us to see the truth that lies at the heart of every situation in which we struggle. Without my friends, I would not be the person I am today, and tonight I was so fortunate to get to spend time with a good number of them all at once. Mike has been a great friend and inspiration to me, and he hosted a gathering of old friends and new, ones who have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and others that I am only beginning to come to know. There is something to levels in our relationships, and God has given each of us the ability to relate on so many different levels. Everyone can meet us at a different level, and I assure you that satisfaction, joy, and freedom are to be found in seeking that person with which you can share all things without ever feeling that you somehow need to hold back. Seek out that friend, and probe them, ask them questions, challenge them, and if they can take everything that you dish out, treasure them, stay in touch, always make the effort, for they have shown that they are willing to do as much for you. They will help guide you through the dark alleys of your life, which are sure to come. We are but sinners, and each one of us is destined to fall at some point. But there is always good in every situation, and your friends are the ones who will help you to find the good, to see the truth, and to work your way onward in life.

Sometimes these things are hard to put into words, but there are people who will see you better than others. Perhaps you will find this among your family members, perhaps among old friends in whom you never recognized it before, or even in new people that you happen upon in the journey of life. Be always open to these relationships and God will show you much more than you ever could have imagined possible in your life. Yes it is possible to control this, to constrain your friend base to only those you think you like, or with whom you think you share interests, but sometimes the best of friends are found in the most unlikely of places. Remember that your oldest friends may see you the best, but that new ones also have insights that the old ones could never recognize in you. Be open to any new path that opens to you, and your life can take extraordinary new directions that will teach you new things you never expected to learn, but that will somehow play a part in the journey that you lead in this life. Life is about asking questions, always seeking, always pushing the envelope to find those things in life that make us come alive, that make our lives worth living, that at the very least make us want to get out of bed in the morning and live the wonderful gift of life that we have each been given.

My friends are what so often do this for me. I have come to realize that my life is based on my relationships, and I could not ask for better friends than the good Lord has granted me along the way. We work so well together, and I never planned it a bit. Look deeply into the people that surround you, and thank the Lord for what He has given you.

I want to thank Andy and Lindsey, Mike, Jenna, my brothers and father, my mother, and all others of you, you know who you are, who have helped and continue to help me along the way. I could not have made it this far without you, and you are a part of every single stage in my life, and I hope that I share similarly in the lives that you lead. Know that no matter how long it takes for us to get in touch, when we do the Lord will let the love that we share shine between us, and the glory of friendship be rekindled again. We each must seek out our own path, but if ever we get lonely, we have only to turn back to those we love to realize just how blessed we truly are. Thank you to those I have mentioned to all of you who have so touched me in my short life. I hope to thank all of you again in person each time that we have the chance to see each other again. Until then, may God bless and keep you, and hold you in the palm of His hand.

Time passes by....

I had the stunning realization today, that by December I will have gone half the distance between 20 and 30 years old. I remember when 30 was an age that I could never fathom turning, and now I come to see myself in a new light. I have been given many gifts and I could have easily followed any number of roads with fixed destinations, but I have wanted none of these. Now as I approach what some may consider "middle-age" (perhaps I exaggerate) I have to face the fact that I am not as young as I once was, and my age will catch up with my idealism at some point. Do not get me wrong, I would never choose to go back, and I am still capable of quite a lot in my time on this earth, that is as long as the good Lord allows me to dwell here, but I am beginning to realize my mortality and the coming of age in a very real way, and want to be ready for each time as it comes.

Up to today, I have lived life somewhat recklessly, with no consideration sometimes for the path of havoc and craziness that I leave behind, but today, I realize that it is important to invest along the way. We truly need one another, for if we find ourselves alone and unhappy at the end of all this, what have our lives been for? Still, although we are beckoned in to the secure jobs that offer insurance, health-care, retirement funds, and sick leave, what if we don't? What if we say no? What if we choose to live differently, and seek out what lies in our hearts and attempt to realize it in our lives? However this does not remove us from the need that we have to stay in touch, to reach out to those closest to us, and to all others that we encounter along the way in love and thanksgiving. God is very good in the life that He allows us the opportunity to live, but it is short, and we truly do have very little time to share the love and the riches of the lives that we possess. Would that we would all have the courage to live an examined life, seeking what lies in the depths of our hearts, and go after it with all our might! For if we do not, life may run its course and we will find ourselves forever lodged in a moment of silent desperation. Let us live freely, according to the rule that "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and body, and love your neighbor as yourself!" God bless and keep you all.

So....I'm getting better I think....

This blog began as a means for me to share my thoughts with the world, but the goal was really to lay them out there so that I could get a better grasp of what was going on inside me head, and since I have very few things that I hold in private, I place it out there such that you who read this may benefit from my introspection. Of late I have realized the true power of a blog, and the impact that our writing can have on one another. Unfortunately writing comes cheap in our day and age, and true, quality reflections are often hard to come by, but I do not intend to offer those here. They may come, and what I write may provide some good food for thought, but this is not so much an inspirational blog as it is an attempt to take a look at reality and learn from it. If my thoughts on my own life encourage you to take a deeper look inside yourself, and into your own life, then it has succeeded in what it is capable of doing for you. Over the years this blog has taken on many different roles such as a means of reporting on abroad experiences, a vent for my thoughts, a report on events in my life, and now a means for keeping up on my own inner life, and for others to keep up on me. It is interesting how the roles change over time, and I pray that the words that I write continue to inspire you as well as fulfill the different roles that it has to play now.

Today was a good day, an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend from the church where I served as a peer minister in Ames, as well as her husband who participated in an ultimate frisbee tournament. I sat and watched and learned much about the way a professional tournament is regulated, and on what rules it operates. It was also interesting to meet up with an old friend from Iowa State later on and show her around my hometown, which is now to be her place of residence meanwhile she works in Belvidere. It was also very good to catch up with several people at the local Festa Italiana, where many Boylan grads and alums gather to celebrate their Italian heritage. I am very grateful to one young lady in particular who helped me show my ISU friend around town, and with whom I shared a very solid conversation about how to go about choosing our vocation in life.

It was interesting to note how all things are interconnected at some point. We like to think that going to the other side of the world somehow sets us apart and makes us special, but in the end someone else has gone more frequently, done more while there, etc. This life cannot be measured in terms of accomplishments, but rather by the depth of the relationships that we share. So spend time with the ones you love, the other things will get done in their own time. As much as you can, focus on that which is most important in this life, for these are the things that allow you to live on beyond the grave. People will remember you for who you were, not for the amount of money you made, or how popular or how powerful you were. Live like you were dying. And love the life you live!!!