Kent, OH

Here I am in a new town with new challenges and new places to explore, and the sense of excitement is only slightly tainted with the feelings of uncertainty that plague my mind. I had a great discussion with my buddy Mike last night about things to come next summer, and the years to follow thereafter. This whole grad school thing does not seem to fit the picture right now, or maybe the picture is too perfect for my oft random and inexplicable mode of life. I have enjoyed it up to this point, but am unsure how going back to school works itself in. Though I have always excelled in schoolwork, I can't say that it necessarily brings me passion. The passion I find lies in using the skills I have developed beyond the classroom. Some of my closest friendships have only been able to develop because of things I learned there.

I suppose a better approach to sitting here in my uncertainty is to go out and explore. But I find too that I am a rugged individualist in some ways and I shrink from having to have the official tour from my roommates. Do not get me wrong though, they are great folks; I think we are going to have an easy time of it this year. I am chilling in my room right now and have not had any interruptions whatsoever. We are also set back from the campus with a security system and everything, so there is really nothing to complain about. I love that nature is so close by here, and that there are seemingly dozens of surrounding small towns that are ripe for exploration.

For the moment then I leave you as I go out to see what I can see and report back later!!!

I've often asked God's will for my life, and it seems that every time I started to hear His still, small voice, I instead filled my mind with my own voice and achievements and dreams that I desire to realize in my lifetime. The longer I follow this path though, the more I understand that even these achievements lose their luster if they are accomplished apart from the will of God. It is not that they somehow contradict God's plan, only that He is disappointed that you choose these over Him. I still believe that there is a lot of truth in the point that many in this world will try to give us roads to follow, under the premise that they represent God's will in our lives, but these are given an initial foothold in my life because my prayer life is not strong. I would not necessarily recognize what God has for me if it fell into my lap.

However I do feel that I could do some amazing things for the Church, or for the family institution, whichever God would have for me in this life. Now I am off to graduate school with a pit in my stomach and uncertainty plaguing my mind. Maybe this is normal, or maybe this is God subtly communicating that this is not where He would have me go. I believe that God does reach out and touch us in our lives. I have rediscovered a passion for Catholic apologetics as of late, in conversation with a beautiful young lady who does not share my Catholic faith, but instead follows a more evangelical tradition. In some ways I fear what is to come for us, as we will soon be many hundreds of miles apart, but at the same time I believe that we have a role to play in one another's lives, and though I do not yet know what that is, or how long it need last, I am willing to follow as far as it may go. This very relationship has helped me to let go of the reins, which I infrequently do, and allow for the will of God and time to take its course. She has taught me patience in a way no one else has ever been able to reach me. She shows me that God can create beauty in a way that is in accord with each one of our desires. She shows me that passion for life and uncertainty about it need not be mutually exclusive, and that it is okay and even good to nourish a plethora of relationships and friendships.

I think the tendency in seeking God's will, once we have decided to favor His over our own, is to think that His is the one directly opposite our own. But then are we not just choosing for ourselves again? It is funny business, and very difficult to discern the will of God for our lives; but it is also very worthwhile. And the longer I live the more apparent that truth becomes. God knows and loves us all very deeply, and wants only the best for our lives, in communion with what is good for His kingdom. Lord please open my heart to your will and give me the strength to follow it once I know its content.

How often fear motivates our actions, and inaction ultimately makes our choices for us. I must admit that grad school and all it entails frightens me quite completely. I have never done this before, and I fear I cannot keep up with the work. I fear that I will run out of money, and that I am leaving everything important to me behind. I fear the consequences of choices I have made and those of the choices I have yet to make. Isn't life easier if we cave to these fears, and only do as much as is necessary to get by in this life?

Maybe so, but that is not living. True living is motivated by a sense of what it means to love and to reach out to those around us. If we look to love, then every action takes on more gravity. And if we consider that we have a model in Jesus Christ, then it all becomes a little clearer. Loving is not easy, as exemplified by the life of Christ. But in following His example we can live lives that extend beyond our ability to control their effects, or even to control where they ultimately lead. It is in pouring out of ourselves that we understand the depth of what lies within us. We cannot sit idly by and hope that something will come our way; that the person who appears in need, is not; that Christ came, but that His message was only for the people of His time. These are the thoughts that lead to relativism, that remove the dignity from life. For if there is no greater story, or greater truth, why live at all? Isn't then our whole existence asinine? Why were we given such a great ability to reason, beyond the capabilities of any other animal on this earth? And why did a man named Jesus Christ walk the streets of the Middle East proclaiming Himself the Son of God, if He were not? There is so much truth contained in His teachings, so much good advice to take from His Beattitudes and Commandments, that almost no one can deny the wisdom contained therein. Living a life in the way He describes does lead to a more fulfilling existence. And all of this success along with the fact that He claims to be the Son of God, one with the Father and the Holy Spirit. We cannot accept His wisdom and not accept that He is God.

Hence how does this apply to the fears that seem to often motivate my life? Well I can take heart in knowing that Christ knows my innermost being, and came to die so that I might live beyond this existence. I then have no fear of death, which is all it takes to lessen my fears about life. So what if some situation may take me to a place for reasons I do not fully understand, or that my life may be put at risk when I am following some of the deepest desires of my heart; if I do die I am assured that there is a just and loving God who will greet me upon my death, and show me the mercy that I have merited by the faith I have lived out.

The fears never go away, but they can be lessened. God loves us all and is watching out for our every move. Thank you Lord, and would that you would watch over and keep us all near your heart that we may discern your truth and live it daily for the creation of your kingdom here on earth!