Would that I had been born not knowing the truth. Would that this desire and passion inside of me would lead me away from the belief that I am accountable and responsible for my actions. Life would be so much easier this way. Guilt would not overcome us when we take that drink that crosses the line, when we treat anyone in our lives unfairly whether it be a friend or a girlfriend. Why were we given this truth. Why was I given this truth. To walk the world and know that I have everything encapsulated in my belief in Christ. Sure I have looked elsewhere, have investigated other religions, but I can always find something in these that strays from the truth.
Some relationships become difficult, because my view is different. I cannot just steal, cannot just get drunk, cannot just sleep with someone, and renouncing these has in many ways given me true freedom. Yet I am on the verge of graduating and do not know where to go from here. I know that I have a lot to give, but in what way? Do I just sit by and let these things go on around me when I know they are not right. Should I just participate in these myself because of the instant gratification and on the off-chance that God might not be paying attention?
No. We are called as men and women of God to hold to His teachings, and this I will do. Still I look more and more for fulfillment in this journey, and I have not yet found it. I have a friend who is Agnostic who possesses more joy and altruism than I could ever hope to have. My closest friends here affirm the existence of God, but how much due to their belief and how much due to what their parents imposed upon them and the Church upon their parents? Where am I supposed to fit in the midst of all this? I seek to love my God with all my heart, mind, soul, and my neighbor as myself, or do I? It is so easy to hold ourselves in high regard and ignore reality, and as part of my journey I have learned that it is thus critical to focus on the environment outside and not on oneself. For it is in this that we experience one another, and through us God.
Even still, the truth can sometimes seem to good to be true. I think of Unamuno's San Manuel Bueno Martir who spent his whole priestly life ministering to the people of his small parish, strengthening their faith in God, while he himself did not. Many other saints suffered with doubt and despair. One even described a man's faith as a board he clings to in a sea of doubt. Sometimes I feel this will be quelled by beginning a career, but I know this will not be true. We can fill our lives with as many distractions as we place, but in the end our destiny, everything we have done will mean nothing unless we answer that remaining question.
Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:27-9)
2 comments:
be strong, dear friend... i hope to speak with you soon. and i may have an opportunity to come to nyc if you'd like the company :)
-Nea
Much is expected of those to whom much is given...which is hard to admit while pissing the days away in a state office waiting for something to happen after leaving college expecting to save the world. I've been asking myself all the same questions lately. Picking one career doesn't clear anything up, but it's never too late to find a better way, right? And if such a variety of roles are available and necessary, there must be some degree of truth to be found via most of them.
Post a Comment