sleeplessness....

Do you ever find yourself, late at night, unable to sleep and contemplating all the questions and uncertainties in your life. I must admit that it is rare for me, because I am too often running from place to place and never give myself enough rest, such that when I do lay down, I'm out. However today I think that Pepsi this afternoon has brought me to the moment now where it approaches 1am and I cannot do more than shut my eyes and think. I contemplate the last few months and all that has transpired, and how fortunate I am, and we all are in turn that we do not have absolute control over our lives. As much as friends have encouraged me to move beyond repeating maxims, I find myself constantly returning to the idea that all we have to do hear God laugh, is to tell him our plans. Just at the moment that I thought I had given up everything and the summer was to be nothing more than a going home, and a sort of abandonment of what I had wanted to do, I have discovered instead something that I never would have otherwise ever conceived or brought myself into. I am interpreting for a Cuban pastor who has come here to the states upon invitation by a Methodist pastor from here in Ohio, who has after getting to know me, invited me to help him teach a course on the Theology of the Kingdom in Cuba. I will interpret the class as he teaches.

I would never have imagined anything like this. I never would have imagined that I would have the opportunity to go to France over spring break and meet all the blessed people that Mike, Brett, and I encountered there. Prior to this, I never hoped that I would go to El Salvador, but seemingly by chance, one of those who had signed up was unable to go, and I was the alternate. God is always working in our lives, whether or not it is immediately evident. If you are anything like me, then you do not have patience to wait and see what the Lord will do if we would just stop trying to force everything for just a minute. Yes we need to exercise our free will, yes we need to make wise decisions, considering all possible alternatives before acting, but we also need to allow for the will of God in all of these things. It seems that if we leave Him an open window he is able to shine His light through and brighten our lives in a holistic way, much as the sunlight enhances the brilliance of a beautiful home. For we can only do so much in our lives, much as we can with a house, we cannot have as much effect on the weather, the environment, etc. Hence, yes let us build a home or a life that we enjoy living, but let us not forget that God plays an instrumental role in all of this, and that the more opportunities we give Him to act in our lives, perhaps the more fulfilling our lives will be.

Perhaps....

Sometimes I like to write without a destination and see where the pen, or in this case, the keyboard leads. At times it works really well, but in others I end up running in a vicious circle in my mind that only leads the reader to discover my lunacies and regret his having come along for the trip. At this moment in time I have just finished with the last of my formal classes for the school year and I teach one final review tomorrow. After this I will have only to work on one major project for one class and touch up the work I have already completed for my other classes. I am beginning to look forward to the summer and the freedom it brings. If there is one thing that I have learned from this year, and that would be far understating the fact, it would be that I like to do things and get them done. I relish dwelling on the deeper questions in life, and I would rather get done with what needs get done in the moment in order to be able to do that. I love the rush of the summer wind over the greenest leaves that carries my mind to thoughts of God and the world beyond this life. There is so much truth that is manifested in the world outside every day. Did we catch it today? Or did we walk or run right on by to the tune of our endless chants of efficiency and hard work? Yes the latter especially is important, and the first insofar as it fits with the other elements you want present in your life. For example it would be more efficient to do everything on your own, especially if you are the most knowledgeable, but wouldn't this exclude the possibility of inviting someone else in, teaching them something new, inviting them to see the world from a different perspective. Life is too short to sit and bicker over who has more or less, or better understands the world. Sometimes I wish that this world would just be over already and we could all see the truth once and for all!

And then again...there is so much to learn, so many paths to follow, so many rabbitholes that lead to I know not where. I have boundless energy to explore this world and see where I might end up. I would love to have a job in which I can do it and get done. I love language and for this reason I might more research interpreting in the coming year. It may work out well for me in that I would have a job that begins and ends at a certain point and that is somewhat mobile, in that I could establish myself as a translator as well and then interpret once I reached my destination. So many thoughts and ideas, and I think sometimes that not being in a perfect place is better to agitate the imagination to conceive what the perfect place looks like, or its elements, or anything else that could be revealing as to the future. I have enjoyed my time here in Kent, it has not been heaven, but alas heaven is only available to us beyond death, and this is something that I do not fear, but look forward to as if it is far along the line, after I have lived all that I am meant to live here. My mother does not think I will ever settle down, perhaps she is right, perhaps I will not, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.....