Home

I feel as if I've come home. Though it is far from where I spent the majority of my life, there is an essential part of my existence that began here, and it teaches me about where I am to go. There is inside me a desire for community, a desire for what is familiar and recognizable, while at the same time my mind desires to be stretched by new ideas, new horizons, and new approaches to life. I am a paradox, because on one hand I would desire a family, but on the other have rejected the things that would have led me down that path. My journey thus far in life has looked like a patchwork quilt of things that do not fit well together. Upon graduating college in a city that I never expected to be in, I had no clue what I wanted to do, only that I did not want to continue on in school. I think I made the right decision and yet I find myself in school again. This time in different capacities, but here I still am, and the future is no more clear.

Yet to come home to Steubenville. To talk to people who babysat me growing up, and who know me though I am seeing their faces for the first time with eyes that comprehend. There is an essential energy, a vitality, a desire to live that pervades my every thought that I felt I had figured out. Life here is fast, and yet grounded in Christ, and in strong family relationships. People are uncertain of what they will do, but spend their lives living and questioning every path they take. No one waits for things to happen. There is little tentativeness, only a genuine desire to get to know one another and to help one another through this sometime difficult existence we all must live.

God works, God lives. I like to think back to the speech of the abortion survivor, whose life has been a testament to the glory and unlimited power of God to do good and bring about His will in the world. I cannot comprehend the nature of existence here, and maybe I am exhausted, but my reaction has been to relax and enjoy the moments without working too much. Only observing the lives of a family who I have loved for long and whose adoption of me over this Thanksgiving holiday has been a true blessing. I am grateful to them in so many ways for all they have given me.

Yesterday we visited the hospital of my birth, and I reflect on what it must have been life for my father to sit and wait, or my mother to bear the pains of childbirth, such that I might live. And what have I done with their sacrifices? What have I done with the life that our Lord above has so graciously bestowed upon me? I have had want for nothing in my life, so how do I give that back? I want to live radically and fully for Christ, and yet sometimes struggle to figure out what that means or even looks like. Will I translate as a part of it?...Maybe...Will I sing? Will I run? Will I fight? I will pray....What do you want of me Lord? I think it is eternally tied to what I desire for myself. For He wants only that we would love and serve Him to the greatest of our capability. We decide what that looks like.

I have some great opportunities opening in my life, and I only pray that I treat them as the Lord would have me do, and learn each day more and more of Him whom I love, and to whom my life is ultimately bound.

True Love

I know that this is a cliché reading for weddings, but it really soothes my heart to know that all these things are true, and this is one that may work for you, but is acutely necessary for me at this point in my life:

From the New American Bible 13:4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

But then there is this from Proverbs Prv 31:10-13, 19-20, 30-31

"When one finds a worthy wife,
her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband, entrusting his heart to her,
has an unfailing prize.
She brings him good, and not evil,
all the days of her life.
She obtains wool and flax
and works with loving hands.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her fingers ply the spindle.
She reaches out her hands to the poor,
and extends her arms to the needy.
Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;
the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her a reward for her labors,
and let her works praise her at the city gates."

And I worry about the love that I feel, and whether it may just be fleeting like beauty, or that I am deceived by charm. I think we all want to believe that we are truly loved, and this I do, only that I have always kept a piece of my heart back, this world too often seems to come back and throw things in our face when we really devote ourselves to them and want them badly. I have found few things in life that I wanted to pursue to the ends of the earth, or at least to the end of my life, but I am learning that they are out there. If there was ever any doubt in my heart before that true love exists, that doubt is no long gone...I have seen the city and its inner workings, have felt its work within me, and have seen how glorious it can make dreary day, and how work turns into the conquer of a dragon for the heart of the princess.

Everything takes on more gravity, not the least of which is the relationship itself, which constantly moves itself deeper and deeper unto destinations uncertain and unknown. All that one can do is follow and trust that there is a reason for all of this, and in time it will become clear, and life will begin to make a bit more sense as we would cast ourselves with seeming senselessness headlong into the vocation of life. For it is in losing our lives, or giving them up for others, that we truly find them, and in sharing love that we understand the true and deepest gifts that God has to offer us in his gift of Love to the world.

Would that we would all follow God along the path of our lives, chasing our dreams and pursuing our passions, and always keeping an eye open for the doors and windows that open before us, for it is not us who open them, but rather our God and Creator who loves us dearly and wants what's best for our lives. Live the moment for Him, and the future will figure itself out between Him and the workings of this crazy world where we make our temporal home.

Today

I don't know what to do with my life, and yet I have a plan. I have so much work to do, and yet none at all. I love my God, and yet only give Him a small portion of the time I am allotted on this earth. My life is one of contradictions, and isn't this in some cases a good sign?

I love a woman, but I cannot have her. I love my family, but hold them in second, maybe third place. I am studying to be a translator, but may not even translate. I desire to travel the world, but hesitate to buy the ticket. I have many friends, but do not devote as much time to them as I should. I believe that certain things in life are wrong, and yet love those who commit these wrongs. I cannot know what is exactly right in life, but I can seek to know and live by the truth.

What do you have for me God? Sometimes I wonder whether I have gone down the wrong path altogether, or have wandered so far from your mercy that my life is a disgrace to you, and I deserve not even to call myself Catholic.

I have much left to live and seek in this life, and with Your help, I can accomplish much for you. But for the moment, I am here, trying to remain in touch with you, seeking Your will for my life, and seeking to love all those who surround me.

Let's go deeper...

So lately I have been shirking my fidelity to this blog in favor of chasing a career in translation, which at the moment is going quite well. However so many other situations have arisen in my life that have completely consumed my attention and I feel as if sometimes I simply run from one thing to the next in life. Life is too short to be running around like a crazy person and not staying in touch with those you love, and I am learning that very quickly and unfortunately the hard way. Still I do not know where this balance lies. I love all my friends and family very much, but at times I just cannot tear myself away from the work that I am doing. I am tenacious in pursuing those things of interest to me in this life and do not let them go until I am satisfied that they are done.

When it comes to translation, I am still learning and so these consume my time more than I might like, but in time they will become more manageable, especially with so many technological tools at my disposal.

We had an interesting discussion about the future of the translation industry today in one of my translation courses, theory actually. It was very good to hear a bit of prediction from the founder of our "Institute of Applied Linguistics" who seems to possess a keen mind for perceiving changes and trends to come in the industry. He foresees an increase in the corporatization of the industry, a characteristic that would lend itself very well to my managerial and interpersonal skill set. I am a fair translator, and will be able to improve with my work here in Kent, but will likely work in something that acts in conjunction with translators, rather than as simply a freelance translator of texts. Life is too short anyway to stick to one thing....

So many new developments in life, and so little time to discuss them all. What can I say, for the moment know that I am enjoying this time of searching, both for career and vocation, and learning much about the people in this world, both from the US and from all over the rest of it. I don't know what the future holds, but I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring!!!