To write...

Takes a level of concentration, imagination, understanding of language, and depth of vocabulary that daunts me. Yet I continue my feeble attempts, hoping at the very least that my words will someday prove wisdom to a future clouded me. Something draws me to write, to language, to the power that is inherent within it, to how impossibly far it sets us apart from the other animals. We can not only speak and form ideas, but can immortalize them in words, books, Scripture...Yet they often seem to have a life of their own. I write, and then ideas come to me, stream of consciousness I think it was called in my high school years; now it is natural to me, and is simply writing. I do not like to constrain what I write about, or even why. There does not need to be a reason, nor a theme, nor a goal. But the mystique for me is that all my jumbled thoughts put down on paper may cause you to think, reconsider, question, and ultimately ask. Thus, the power works.

If you could write, what would you write about? This question is somewhat ironic, because likely those possessing the ability to read it, would also possess the ability to write. Still, one can write, and still not appreciate what it means to really write; to write for writing's sake, to write to think, to write to inspire hope or anarchy. It is the difference between talking and speaking, chatting and conversing. One leads to something, the other usually goes in a circle, left only to be continued along the same rut that always comes back to the same. I may be the greatest hypocrite here because my writing frequently is only self-examination, but I like to think that with every sentence my self-knowledge grows, and hence my insights become deeper and more helpful, more self-perfecting.

With age though too, my mind seems less able to focus on these things for great portions of time, my mind sooner wearies of these unending questions as to the meaning of life and my role within it. Still, maybe we require new horizons and atmospheres to inspire us, to help us to question, and ultimately see the great truth. That life is greater than we, that we cannot figure everything out here, that some of our answers can only be found in place that is not of this world.

Maybe that's why I write, or shall I say the most significant reason why. To try to figure out anything and everything that it is possible to figure out in this life, without God's answers. Someday He will tell us everything that we agonized to know in this world. You may find my search frivolous and unimportant, but it is the only reasonable search we can undertake in this life.

Life

Right now I think so often about the future, I wonder whether I am doing the right thing...I second guess every decision, and yet I suppose the more important point is that I make the decision at all. I know there are others out there with problems much more severe and complex than my own, and speaking with and attempting to console them often helps me to see that I am doing fine. However, as the adage goes..."From those to whom much has been given, much is expected." And yet this "much" manifests itself differently for each one of us who have made our decisions such that we have the freedom to do virtually anything. One of my very good friends works for a seed company that sends him to work in Puerto Rico for this portion of the year; another is on the verge of setting out on his own as a freelance photographer; still another works at her dream job with high school kids in a Jesuit school in Colorado; and another of my favorite stories, my friend the Marine and my friend his lovely wife prepare to be stationed in Hawaii! I still cannot believe that by the way...And here I am with all the gifts and skills in the world, with more interests than a hyperactive kid in a candy store, and I am unsure of what to do. I do believe that we need one another, and I believe this is why I am here right now, and I know the time will come for me to move on to the next step in life. I find it funny that I get this way every winter, as everything seems to slow down, and then by summertime I will have another three thousand plans to choose from. I guess I need a good friend and a good cigar, and all my nerves will settle down. I want to send out special thanks to Julie who inspired me to seek that which I love, today! Jules you are the best, and you are such a leader, following your own path to becoming the best version of yourself, even as you pass along advice and inspiration to others who search at the same time.

The Christian idea of love; your God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul; and your neighbor as yourself; only makes sense in practice. For to think about it logically it would seem fruitless and foolish to love and pray for your enemy, and any others who you may or may not like, or that may or may not like you; but in the end it does make sense. They may be there for you the next time you need a helping hand, or may give you the connection you need to continue to pursue your dreams. What good is it to make enemies when there are so many friends out there to be had? And it is precisely to these friends that I turn for help in my above-described dilemma, for they often know me better than I know myself, and can push me to my greatest potential! I am so grateful for all of you, and for my family as well, who has always been there through every trial and crazy turn along the way. But most of all I am, as all of us are, eternally endebted to our God and Father, Who gave us the opportunity to live this crazy life and suck from it every joy and sorrow, to His greater glory!

God you are so good. I turn to you too as a friend to aid me as to where You would have me go next. For you are my Creator, and I hope to lead my life as an example of your love, and ultimately to live with You in Paradise!

A country song about life

"And I never wanted nothing more..." Great words from a great country artist, a man who seems to grasp so much of life and yet still search for contentedness. Kenney Chesney is still single, has not really committed to any particular lifestyle beyond being a major country music writer and star, and yet that does not stop him from possessing wisdom. And I am thankful every day he comes on the radio and shares it with the world. His work is profit-driven of course, but I think there is more to it than that. If we really get a hold on what we are talented at, we can do it, and with some tweaking, make a profit at it and live a financially successful life. The reality that we are doing what we love will drive us to personal success and wisdom as well.

Well, I have not yet found what that is for me, but listening to talk radio and country music over the past couple of months has sure helped me get a better grasp on what's most important in life. We first have to find a means to provide for our existence. No one of us asks to be born, but we are here, and this is both a great gift, and at times a great burden. Because to be here means that we have to live, we have to contribute, or we will not survive; or at least that's the way it should be for all men and women who are capable of contributing. We must be prudent in this so that our contributions to the world, will not only help the world grow, but will also help us to grow. If we are stagnant in what we do it will reflect on every aspect of our lives. Once we have found this, then we are capable of providing for a family, doing good works; living a life for Christ in whatever capacity we choose. We must recognize the importance of contributing, but also realize that it is only a means to an end. Why did the first immigrants to this country farm the land? Because they had to to in order for their family to survive. We have moved so far away from that reality now. Careers are now viewed as more important than building a strong family. Work consumes the life of the worker, rather than the worker consuming the fruits of his work. Let us not forget that what are most important; bigger than any career or job, are our relationships with one another, and principally with our own family.

Search well for your career and vocation, for it will be your livelihood, but remember too that despite the greater amount of time that you will spend working, this time must drive you to spend greater quality time with the ones you love. Would that we could all find our individual niche, for then we could experience joy approaching that which we someday hope to experience in heaven, and "never want nothing more."

For evil to flourish...

What do the good men do in the United States of America? Well, often those of us who have been so fortunate as to have been raised in a home where morals are upheld, and good consciences are formed are sent off the wonderful blessing of education. We often become idealistic, and believe the world can be broken down into good and bad and there should not be too many problems in distinguishing these; strangely maybe, since we surmise this in a sheltered world, that this is true. There are black and white issues that need to be addressed as such. Yes, there is plenty of gray in the world as well and it needs to be considered, but the problem arises when the gray prevents us from taking action in the pursuit of the good. Anything that we have learned to be good can be twisted; if it be by a crooked politician, an agenda-driven instructor, or a misguided parent; and we have to realize this, and understand that this is evil trying to worm it's way in. The Devil is very much alive in this world, and he works through imperfect human beings to try and foil the Lord's desire, which is that we would freely choose to love and serve Him, and that this love would show in the works that we do on this earth.

Once we realize that evil can find its way into anyone's mind, even our own, we understand that we can rely on our conscience, we can rely on those around us who live lives of goodness and charity to show us the truth; that a degree of goodness can be realized in this world. Hence we who understand this truth must not stop at this conclusion. For to rid the world of evil, we have to separate it from those who perpetrate this evil. Unfortunately, man can be dominated by the absence of good, by a desire for harm; but in most cases man is misguided or confused by the imperfect lives he has lead, and so we need to be able to separate the "actor" from the "act", and the "evil" from the person. Man can be freed from evil. He can convert, learn, understand and recognize truth. However in the world of today, he is often not presented with such an opportunity. Thus it is to us to speak the truth that we learn from the Almighty and from the good in the community that surrounds and nurtures us; for if we do nothing, then nothing will stand in the way of the spread of evil. For to complete the quote that heads this post, "All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing."


And what good can we do? We may not be the best speakers, or even conversationalists to be able to share the truth. But we all do have a gift. As Matthew Kelly describes in his "Rhythm of Life" we all have an ability to do one particular thing better than anyone else in the world, and our lives are a quest to find that gift, talent, or skill; and then to use it. We can call this self-actualization. Whatever you are best at can contribute, and if you have any doubts, consider this: it is not what we do, but how we do it. Do everything with integrity, courage, and prudence, and you will show that you stand for what is good and true. When the opportunity arises to discuss the issues of our day, I would hope that we could all stand up on the side of what is good and right, but this is difficult and not all of us may be capable of confronting, or enduring a confrontation. But it is how we live and what we do in the interest of what is good and right that prevents evil from flourishing. Yes relationships are important and good, but would we not take the chance of losing one in the hope that someone may see the truth? For if successful, how much stronger and more powerful might that relationship be?

Be strong my friends. Strengthen your belief in what is good, live it, learn to stand up for it; evil does not stand a chance!

What's next?

Living life to the fullest means times of uncertainty, at least in my situation. For some life has a path, that must be followed to the very end, which of course is death, and for them this is satisfaction. For others, life must always be changing; moving with the ebb and flow of life, and the energy that surges in us one day and leaves us vacant the next. I hope to somehow find a happy medium between the two, because the security of the first appeals to me, but then again the latter is who I truly am, maybe a revelation to me, but to you all who know me so well, just a reiteration of what you always knew! Knowing this more fully now, I know that the future must hold a little bit of everything. I do not think I want to work for a company for a number of years and then get married, retire and live out my life taking cruises. No, I would prefer not to retire; to work for the money I earn, to gain as many experiences possible along the way, and to live out who I am most fully in the vocation I choose. I have so many thoughts from day to day that constantly lead me away from settling down, that lead me to travel, try new things, conquer new mountains, and the thought of buying a home, though appealing, just does not fit in the picture right now. I have a wonderfully loving family who is willing to put up with me, but then again have I worn out my welcome? I am 22 years old, fast coming up on 23, with a college education, all the skills and God-given talents, values and morals that have allowed me to live a free and amazingly blessed life up to this point. And yet we come to a crux, or more appropriately deemed, a point on a line that has yet to take up a new direction. I believe this line must ultimately lead to a more clearly defined area in which I will find the career and vocation that most clearly allows me to actualize as a person. Yet I also know that finding this to perfection is next to impossible in this fallen world in which we live. Still, I seek, and hope to find, knock on as many doors I can, until the next one opens. Just waiting now for a sign, or a twinge of the heart as to which door that might be...

Unpredictable...

Life has taught me that yes, we can plan to a certain degree, we can even try to take the wheel completely, but in the end, if we stay in touch with our innermost selves, and maintain a close relationship with the Lord we find that we end up choosing paths we never imagined taking. Life becomes a beautiful synthesis of making our own choices while at the same time following the various opportunities and challenges that the Lord places along our path. Thus free will lives, but I believe that if we are meant to do something in this short lifetime, and we somehow miss the opportunity to do it, the Lord will present the opportunity again. It may appear completely different, but truly even the things that we chose instead were preparing us for our ultimate destiny. I like the idea that each one of us has some one thing that we can do better than anyone else in the entire world, and life is a journey seeking to determine what that might be. We do many things along the way, but ultimately feel drawn to that which will fulfill us. That is if we are strongly enough self-aware. Seek self-knowledge and understanding, because with this we can learn to move mountains in whatever field the Lord has predisposed to us!

Seize the opportunities that you encounter every day, look for the talent that you can most strongly present to the world, even if it be something obscure. Fight the fear and uncertainty, for in the end they will not be the things that you remember, and even if you do fail, you will remember more clearly what you achieved! Go get 'em!!!

Reality Check

It will never happen to me...what happened to the girl down the street, to the guy on the news, to that girl on the TV show; that sort of stuff never really happens anyway...and then it does. I cannot explain the feeling it gave me, an inability to help in any way, an uncertainty as to how to proceed. Truly we realize in these moments that this world is not of our Lord, Thomas a Kempis had even reminded me that morning in my daily devotional, but I did not take heed until the phone call came later on that morning. Now I do not know what to do, but again, as I am constantly reminded, it is more often who we are to one another rather than what we do. I am saddened that such a profound truth was rammed home by such a profound tragedy, but alas, we are not of this world, and with every step we take in it, that is one more closer to our true home.

The Harvest

Life here seems simple at first blush. The trees, the corn, the gravel roads; the stars at night all make you think deeply about the creation of the world and our connection to it. Everything here seems to live in harmony; man working with nature to provide for his livelihood. Only that in truth he has to work a second job during the day, or work endless hours employing at least a dozen workers to provide enough of the golden crop to possibly cover the expense of producing it. Yet when one does not think about such things, life remains simple. Maybe this is why so many people in the world hesitate to take any level of responsibility, for who in their right mind wants more headaches? Then again, these headaches are what make life worth living. For where is the ecstasy in a moment of pure silence and solitude if it is not offset first by a day filled with noise and distraction? Life is an endless pairing of opposites, and we are often spurred to hate one or the other of the extremes, in order that we draw nearer to the other. This is the work of the one who would undermine us. For to avoid responsibility is a negative, as well as to be overbearing in one's responsibilities, hence we must find the balance; and it is in this balance that peace is possible in this life on this earth.

I am grateful to Kyle and his family, as well as to the Wessels' farm operation for this incredible opportunity to experience the fruits of this world as I never have fully before. Would that we all would take any opportunity to draw nearer to the natural world, which ever so subtly always draws us back to our Creator. God bless and keep you all as fellow members of His creation.

Uncertainty

I'm reading a book that says we can only achieve true success and a true rhythm in our lives by confronting our weaknesses. Should we focus only on our strengths we will not overcome adversity and hence will add no further dimensions to our person. Some of the most interesting people I know have never settled, but instead continue searching until they find contentment in that particular area of their lives. By this time though they have discovered dozens of other ways in which they can continue to grow. Thus by this simple principle of trying new things; picking up the guitar that has forever frustrated our efforts, running seriously again after years of putting it off, calling up old friends and always seeking out new relationships our lives stay vigorous, and our personalities full of life and give life as well! I like best Ralph Waldo Emerson's advice for success:

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded."

However, this quote on its own leaves unanswered the question of how to find the energy for all these achievements. We of course cannot draw from an empty well, and I used to think that we had to draw on one another; this is true, but is our Lord and Savior who supplies the energy to those in our lives, and hence we can also draw from Him directly, through prayer, contemplation, and love. More profound still, we cannot realize the true love that He has for us until we believe that we are capable of being loved by Him. We must first understand ourselves and love ourselves, and only then can we truly and deeply love God and one another.

We will never find perfect success in this life, but for this imperfect existence I think we can measure our success by how closely Emerson's quote fits our lives. Some of us may be stronger in realizing certain parts than others, but this matters little as long as we hear the silent voice within us, and at the end of the day can sit alone in silence, with a clear mind and an open heart. This proves an achievable goal, and if realized by us all, would lead to a world the likes of which we have only experienced in the deepest and wildest of our dreams.

May peace and love reign in all of our hearts. God bless you, and peace be with you.

Thoughts on Thoreau

"I went to the woods to live deliberately...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life...and not when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." Matthew Kelly quotes the great trancendentalist to illustrate the need for the forest in our daily lives. If we have not set aside a place or a time in which we can leave the cacaphony of daily life, we cannot ever truly find peace. And without peace the soul is ever restless leading us to another famous conclusion that, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation," which very well may be Thoreau as well. Another that springs to mind comes from a saint who spoke the truth: "My heart will not rest until it rests in you Lord."

What is our idea of leisure today? We often plunk ourselves down in front of the television or computer and call it a break. Still, what sort of effects do these breaks have upon us? There is room for such things in our lives, but to truly be recharged I must agree with Kelly that we must hearken to the classroom of silence in our lives. Whether we find an empty room or truly find a place in God's natural forest outdoors, we need this solitude, and in it the Lord can speak volumes to us. However still I think that we can go too far. My previous blog discusses the words of Thomas Merton. There are some who think he went too far, and I would tentatively agree with them. For a successful, fulfilling life is not achieved by simply focusing on one aspect. To become most fully alive, we must learn to do all things well. Eat well, sleep well, speak well, read well, pray well, and love well. On top of these come our ambitions, those pursuits that we take on with the wealth of talents and skills the Lord has bestowed upon us. Life is truly a harmony, and when all elements are in sync, we can truly find our point of actualization. A point from which we are so at peace, and in such harmony with ourselves, that we can literally choose whatever we desire from this life. And beautifully so, we cannot have reached this moment without a relationship with the Lord, and so in our finest hour of greatest potential, we will put our lives to His purposes on this earth.

For truly man's pursuits are worth nothing unless they draw him ever nearer to his Creator and Lord. Would that we would find the value of silence in our own lives in order that we can accomplish all that of which we are capable, and then put our awesome powers in the hands of God!!!

Reflections on the thoughts of Merton

"No writings on the solitary, meditative dimensions of life can say anything that has not already been said better by the wind in the pine trees." I have longed to find words that would hit this point as clearly as these of Thomas Merton. In all my quandaries, writings, and prayers, I always realize that I am only striving to put the eternal truth into the words of the English language. By the grace of God I have been granted the ability to do so fairly well, and it is only for that reason that my words seem to carry so much weight and clarity. However it is the very fact that we have all realized these truths before, or at least understand them in our heart of hearts, that makes them seem to ring so profoundly. The truth cuts to the very core of who we are, and there our vulnerabilities and fears can to a degree subside and we can really speak to one another. Yet who among us has not gone into the wilderness and discovered the same pervading peace and truth in God's creation, that can be found in the words of our world's most profound thinker? Matthew Kelly speaks of the "classroom of silence" and the importance of silence and solitude in finding life's rhythm. Thoreau went to the woods to live deliberately; Frost compares our life journey to a stroll through the woods; so many wise men who preceded us have discovered this truth. In the next life I believe that we will all speak the same language...we will understand life and death simply by being and experiencing the realities of existence.

Please don't think that I use this as a reason to stop writing or thinking about spiritual or meditative matters; I only want to pass along the truth that we all possess the capacity to discover profound truths inside ourselves, and in the nature of the world that surrounds us. I think it is all the reason to keep searching, for we stand upon the shoulders of those who preceded us in all ventures. Thus the wise men of the past have built a foundation upon which we can build in our quest to learn the true nature of this world, as well as that of the one to come. I think the Lord has constructed a grand puzzle and it is our challenge to put it together, always knowing the truth that we can never fully complete the work, until He supplies the remaining pieces for us upon our advent to paradise!

Tripping

People talk about travel, a lot. How incredible it is to experience different cultures, how it changes you and makes you a better person. I agree in many ways, but I also have this to offer...it is not what we do but whom we do it with. As one of my best friends says, you can tell the true nature of a man by the character of his friends. This is one of the greatest truths I have yet discovered. Who was one of the last persons to see Jesus before He died? John the Beloved, his friend. If I can pass on one condensed piece of advice, I would say this: take care of your friends, love them, work to get to know them and serve them, and they will be there in your time of need. God is good, and it is through our friends that we get a taste of what awaits us above.

Thank you to all of you who have been there for me, I now recommit myself to serving and loving you. May God bless and keep you all, and if you ever need anything, let me know. I love you guys!

Humility

One of the Jesus' most important teachings, and yet at the same time one of the most difficult virtues to achieve. It seems the more we see of this life and this world, the harder it is to accomplish such a simply understood virtue. I question the goodness of working on a cruise ship, because it may have turned me into something I don't want to be. I look around at my friends and family around me, my father couldn't be more proud of me, my mother as well, yet I feel a distance between my brothers and me. My friends laugh not as readily at my jokes, I take control of all situations of which I am a part, and if things don't go off as planned I am frustrated and this can even ruin an afternoon, evening, or a whole vacation. When on the ship I had a schedule to keep, I kept it, still had fun in the meantime, and was well rewarded for my work. I understand the importance of punctuality, hard, yet smart work, and a perpetual smile despite the frustrations that drove me to places I did not always enjoy.

I miss the days of clear-headed thinking. I sometimes think about the reality of the spiritual battle in this world, and wonder whether the evil one clouds my thoughts when I finally get on the right track. When in New York, I was extremely devout, my thoughts were clear, and yet I consigned myself to a growing relativism that attacks all of us constantly in this world of temptation.

I think I now understand better than ever the value of a child-like faith. Of believing without needing to know all the reasons why. Surely this theological search is fruitful for fortifying our beliefs, and yet why do we fortify our beliefs? We desire to help others see the truth, which is admirable, but at the same time, I believe the basic faith in God, His love for us and desire that we spend eternity with Him is what is most important.

It is often the most trivial situations that test us the most. I still cannot figure out many of my friends. But it is this attempt, or at the very least the desire to understand one another that deepens our relationships. But there are very few people with whom we just connect, know they understand the world works, and that they understand us. Thus, friendship takes this journey feel. There are a couple of people in my life who have found this type of friendship, and in my heart I am so happy for them, especially as the relationship developed at a critical point in both of their lives and they have been able to help one another out. For the rest of us, we stumble around trying to figure out who our friends are, some out of a group of people that they have hung out with for years; others out of a couple of buddies whom they never really understood.

Though this may make no sense, it is soothing to my soul. I hope that you have benefitted from my meditation on friendship, and I think the original title fits this well because it is truly through our own humility that we strengthen the relationships we have. "No greater love is there than this, that one would lay his life down for a friend."

Every Day

Do something every day that scares you, I think we all have a lot to learn from this quote. I think I relish the idea of moving constantly, going from one thing to the next, whether it be socially, financially, in business, or in personal matters. In a nutshell, I have now gone from studying engineering to studying Spanish at Iowa State, to a study abroad in Peru, to studying and living in New York City, to working and living on a cruise ship that sailed from the Caribbean to the Mediterranean, to an airport in Frankfurt, Germany, and finally back home to where I now sit at the Octane in Rockford, IL. The last time I talked about these things I described myself as feeling "on top of the world". In some ways I thought this flowed from my working on a cruise ship, but I now realize that the position there was only a gateway to fully realizing my true personality, which can find a place anywhere it goes. I have now lived in Rockford for a little over a month, and without what one might call a steady job I have worked almost every day and have successfully provided for myself in most capacities. Yet as my buddy Mike told me the other day, we could up and leave tomorrow, be in South Africa, swim with sharks, and then maybe make a trip through Africa, and ultimately never come back. The world is so small now in the sense of being able to traverse it, and yet so vast in terms of how much there is to see.

I cannot believe how completely the Lord has blessed me in terms of travel and life experience. I used to be bored, but He has provided more than adequate inspiration to live and live to the fullest. And so I urge you, be fully alive!!! Live, and do not worry, do not fear, but live beyond your fears. Never let them catch up to you because you confront and overcome them so readily.

This is what God truly wants for us. I used to think--and still believe in many ways--that I am a chameleon, capable of taking on any role or social situation and coming out on top. Conquering whatever challenges may confront me along the way. I have realized though, that we all are, some of us simply realize it more than others. With self-confidence and hope we can overcome any obstacle and literally do whatever we desire.

I want now to put in some profound quote, but I have learned that quotes only take on meaning after you have lived them. We can say anything, but it does not possess the same power until we live it. So in this way, read, learn, observe, but most of all live, and then let the quotes catch up to you. We can only live who we are, and that person should not be limited by any quotes or rules that do not suit him or her. Fulfill your dreams, love others, love God most of all, and your heart will never go empty!!!

Back in Town!

Hey everyone I am back from working on the cruise ships!!! It blows me away that I was gone for five months from the Rockford area, but what blows me away even further is how little a place can change in such a period of time. I love this place, but at the same time I have the same frustrations with getting together with people, because it takes so long to meet up and I am not particularly fond of driving. Oh well. I hope to get back to updating my blog on a regular basis with random and sometimes insightful thoughts. I do hope to write a book someday, now encouraged by a couple of people. Please pray for me in the coming weeks as I will make some important decisions in regard to which path I will next follow. Sometimes I think about putting down roots, but then life often seems to become quite dull if you do something crazy like that! This is just me venting, when I read this later I am sure I will wonder what I was or was not thinking.

At this point though I am truly torn between taking the path of so many around me and pursuing a marriage relationship or accepting a vocation to the priesthood or religious life and settling here in the Rockford area. But I think that I would like to see more of the world before I would go and do this. In all my travels Latin America is still my favorite. I now plan to take a bike trip all the way through. If any of you who read are interested in accompanying me please let me know. I apologize to all of you with whom I have not always been in contact over the past few months, but I want you to know that I did have the adventure of my life on the cruise ship. Both my job and my travels taught me an amazing amount about myself and life in general.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers until a bit later. If you're in Rockford, give me a call!!!

Cheers!!!!

Quote given me by a good friend

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you will read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

I think this quote captures the way in which we should live our lives every day. If God is at the center, we really do not have to hesitate in regard to our habits and what we do with our time. In this sense we should not worry about where our lives will lead because if God is at the center we will derive everything we need from wherever we decide to put in our time. I must admit that life aboard a cruise ship could be quite demoralizing, in the sense that some may abandon their faith because it is just easier to avoid that whole situation. But with God at the center I can see everything in a different light. Try it. Ultimately our hearts will not rest until they rest in Him, why not try to see Him in every moment of every day. Why not in every situation, because then, though our hearts still will not rest completely, we will find some peace and solace along the way. Would that you all would continue to seek God, for in seeking we will ultimately find. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Certainty

Unfortunately it seems that nothing is certain in life except for the love of God. It is always there during the day, at the end of the day, and in the morning no matter what kind of morning it is. We all must choose in what capacity we want to experience that love. Where do we want to be in our lives. Do we enjoy what we are doing? Are we afraid to embrace the choices we have made? Do we feel we have made the wrong choices? Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to live life had I decided to let my mind go by the wayside, had I let my passions govern me, had I not tried so hard to live the life that now makes me wonder if I shall ever have peace. I can so relate with San Manuel Bueno, Martir, though I am nothing compared to his piety. He converted his whole village, but in his heart never believed. I believe, but I can convert no one because my heart is not there. I have difficulty explaining it, but I hope you begin to see what my struggle is from day to day. God will be there to help me through. Sometimes I think these are just incidents of whining, but then I realize that they are things that maybe no one ever talks about, and I am called to share them. I love sharing these things because I have no shame, I want you to see my struggles and maybe learn something from them. In this moment I am not sure where to go except straight ahead. I recall the verse from the Hispanic, charismatic group in Brooklyn, "keep God in your heart, your eyes on the prize, and then run for it without looking back!" This I will try to do, please share your own insights as well. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Peace.

Frustrations

Having been here a week, I would have hoped that I would be a bit more excited about the prospects of working on a cruise ship and sailing the Caribbean, but I don't know if I'm feeling it. I hear about others making great sales, but as I look at what we have available I am not completely sure I believe in what I am doing. I am gaining a great knowledge of art, but I am getting disillusioned with the whole idea. It is a very transient existence, with many people preparing to leave, and many people drinking nightly. I don't know what I am supposed to take from this. Last night I was so frustrated that I wanted to yell, but there is not necessarily that opportunity. I am to go to mass here, and I look forward to that. I pray that He will show me where I am to go. I have signed a contract and will live it out, but only by the grace of God go I. Maybe that is why I am here, to learn how to live life, how to appreciate all of its elements. I think it is in the more challenging times in our lives that God teaches us the most.

I don't know where I am supposed to go in this life. I like where I am, the idea behind it, but the actual process of living it tires me and I don't know. I do know, and then I don't. Sometimes I want the path back, but then I make another choice that sends me somewhere completely different.

God is good and He will help me. Truly my heart will not rest until it rests in you. Right now I will not rest, I will study, I will learn, I will avoid those things that keep me down. I will strengthen my relationships though I don't know why I feel that I cannot connect with people like I used to. What am I missing? What am I not doing? I need to strengthen my spiritual life. So help me God.

Barbados

Before I forget, here is a basic day in the Caribbean aboard the ms Veendam of the Holland America Cruise Line. Again I work for Park West Galleries, the world’s largest original works art dealer. As an art associate I cover all the small things, sell works to people before the auction begins, setup rooms, help the auctioneer in any way I can. Right now it is a lot of fun, because everything is so new and I make myself a more valuable component every day. We truly are a team. Andrew is wonderful to work with, one of the most forgiving and patient people I know who has developed tremendous relationships with people around the ship. Though I too have done my fair share in the past six days. My friend Yulianna complemented my people skills, saying I am easy to talk to and that I will have no problems aboard this ship. That is a sigh of relief for me, because I have endured some trials in my life that have left me unsure of myself. One big advantage to auctioneering is that it calls you to be confident and genuine in all situations. I have always been a very genuine person, but meshing that with eternal confidence has proven a challenge for me. Last night I did a mediocre presentation on Dali and Chagall, Andrew there the whole time to point out where I can improve. This is by far one of the greatest opportunities of my life. I see the world, learn how to sell things, learn about art which has always fascinated me, and get to know more and more people every day. The introductions really never cease as the turnover for passengers and crew is so high. The only downfall to this will be the sorrow of parting, as well as a sense of the transience of life. I do not fear that I will miss my family or friends too much, I know that they are well, and they know that I am well as well.

Ok, today…Woke up after an evening of cards and 75 cent Corona beer. A great time of spoons where one man could not get his stuff together no matter how much we tried to help him, it was very comical! This morning I woke at 7:00am, ready to head out for Barbados, then I rolled back over and slept til 7:45. Life’s tough, hey? Made it to the dock late, so my group had already left. I caught up in a taxi and was treated to one of the greatest physical experiences of my life! We climbed aboard a yacht of about 35 tons, 12 feet long, and over 100 feet tall with the mast. We cruised the Caribbean waters, so blue that you can see right to the bottom. Absolutely incredible. A nice three hour ride later I knew most of the people on the boat, including Mary. Mary is a woman in the autumn of her life, but she’s treating like the summer of her senior year of high school! She has found another man to accompany her in life, after her own husband passed, then has traveled the Caribbean with him, and remarked to me today that this yacht trip was the pinnacle of all her cruise experiences! Paints quite a picture doesn’t it? Funny that her name was Mary, and that she was in many ways similar to you Mary, now killin it at Costco, yet further along down the road. She has picked up the pieces and moved on, just as you have, and she has ultimately found happiness. I realize that more and more wherever I go. The skipper on the boat today was the epitomy of contentment. He visibly relishes every moment of what he does, and is one of the most pleasant-natured men I have met. What a life to live! He sails for six months at a time at sea, with rotations for three hours of sleep. Great guy.

After a bit of lunch at the shop, a few purchases and we’re back onboard, I prepared to set up for our silent auction this evening in our very own art gallery. It’s pretty cool and I hope that it will attract a bit more business this evening. With the grace of God we will sell a few things. Andrew is still driving the boat in regard to these events, but he is very open to my input. Cornel has been awesome in getting everything set up for our events, and I am very thankful that I was not responsible for everything that he does directly upon arrival to the ship.

The guy I replace, Gordon, seems to have been an interesting character. He dated the girl who complemented me, who by the way is teaching me Russian in exchange for a Spanish lesson. The crew onboard is largely Filipino and Indonesian, some of the most generous and kindest people I know. Yesterday one guy by the name of Miftah offered me his soccer shoes and socks so that I could replace my sandals and play! I turned him down, but the thought that was there overwhelmed me. I am truly learning how to live as a community, how to qualify and not to judge, how to speak publicly and personally, how to sell, how to follow God (there is Mass onboard). God is so good in granting all of these lessons; I wait daily for what the next one will be. I cannot wait to see what else He will teach me today. I hope you all are well, and please know that God can teach us no matter where we go. We must keep ourselves close to Him, and then He will do the rest.

“My heart will not rest until it rests in you my Lord.” - St. Augustine, posted on a school of the Christian Brothers in Dominica