Unamuno

"My religion is to seek for truth in life and for life in truth, even knowing that I shall not find them while I live." (No lo puedo encontrar en español, Wikipedia)

Me sorprende mucho la vida de Miguel de Unamuno que fue un gran luchador por la verdad en sus escrituras y también en el España donde vivía y peleaba contra las fuerzas de la República y también las de Franco. En su mente nadie quería lo bueno para España, solamente querían olvidar de cómo va la vida. Y aunque aun él opinaba que la vida es difícil, y a veces ni se puede dirigir uno por la incapacidad de encontrar un razón por hacerlo, hay que vivir la vida, hay que luchar para la verdad. Por lo menos para los que no pueden entender la realidad como es, y necesitan la inspiración de la gente que la entiende y que puede compartirla con todos.

Me gustaría tener lo de arriba, pero hasta el momento no lo tengo en español...lo buscaré...

The end of something beautiful; The start of something good

Though there are times in our lives when we think we have it all figured out, when everything in a particular situation seems to fall into place--we feel at home, loved, wanted, and content--this is not always a sign that eternity lies therein. Or rather, these sentiments and emotions, though good and at times even very strong do not necessarily lead us to our ultimate destiny. These sentiments are purely the realm of the heart, and thus are easily led by feelings of joy and utter contentment, but destiny is the realm of the mind and the heart, such that both are in accord with what they desire for the future. As is said in theology, and likely in other authoritative places, we must be ruled by neither mind alone nor heart alone, but rather by God working through the union of the two. When one is driven and the other abandoned, it can lead to feelings of being lost, floating somewhere with an uncertain purpose, or on the other hand going a hundred miles an hour in an unknown direction. We humans have difficulty reconciling the two, and this is yet another place where we need to let God in. This can explain then why we cannot sit and say, "God show me where to go, I'm not going to do anything, but you should really show me my path." But neither can we find happiness by saying, "God you may have your plan and opportunities that you want to present to me for my life, but I don't need them--all I need is me." Neither is fulfilling, and neither is the right path.

The frustrating part is that there is no clear-cut path for how to manage ourselves in this fallen world. And this is why we are sometimes led to the described "beautiful things" in life, which may or may not fit with what we understood before. I believe these things are to be enjoyed, for they often bring to our hearts the joy that we have been seeking in our lives, but we must also let the mind in and seek to understand how this "beautiful thing" fits in with the rest of our lives. With our goals and dreams, and previously established realities. For if we define the "good" as that which gives us the most freedom, that which allows us to truly love and be truly loved, then we must let both in. We must listen to our hearts and our minds.

Our heart may tell us that something this beautiful may never come again, but the mind counters by saying it is better to leave it. It is better for everyone concerned as it stands right now, and besides only God can know what is to come down the road. Maybe someday the beautiful thing may become the good thing. But all in good time, and with both heart and mind firmly placed in God. Here I am Lord...I trust in You.

Let go...

It occurs to me that it is not to us the pursuits of men, but rather of the men themselves. To those whom the Lord has given the ability to see, well from them is expected much greater things than the humble accomplishments that can be made in this world. Yes they are necessary and valuable, but they are not eternally fulfilling. Maybe this is why some people have a gravity about them that draws so many in, that they have allowed the Lord to so permeate their very souls that He touches people through them, just as He healed the woman through His cloak. And yet I must return to the reality that it is not these people, these servants of God, that we should attach ourselves to, but rather to the God that we find within them. For all things of this world will pass away, and if our castles are built here, they will one day amount to nothing. Even if the world does not come to an end in our lifetime, our castles will be useless to us after our period here is over. This is a transient place, people die every day, and the joy and pain of life is never-ending. Therefore let us focus on the joy, let us find God in all things and let His joy shine through us, that through others coming into contact with us, we change their hearts, and we thereby change the world. Come with me on this journey, let not your fears hold you back, but let God show you His path for your life. No matter where you are live every moment for Him, for He is the only one who can eternally satisfy. Let our lives be looking glasses to the life of Christ and all that He did for us, that others may find the peace and wisdom that lies within Christianity, and the deeper understanding for the reasons for this world. Let us stop denying that Christ ever lived, or that we are not all of the same eternal heritage, let us come together on an even field and worship the God who made our lives possible. Let us share His good news with all those we meet, and when necessary use words!

For truly, and only then, will our hearts rest when they rest in You Lord God my Savior. And so I say, and I entreat you all to join, "Here I am Lord, I trust in You!"

Friends...

For those of you to whom I have been lacking in my devotion over the past several weeks, my sincere apologies. I love you all dearly, but as you well know sometimes life brings us challenges and new thoughts and different ways of viewing the world that we were not prepared for, and which take time and absence from society to process. Though areas remain to be ironed out, I believe I am starting to come full circle on all of this. Unfortunately I cannot go into detail, but know that I am trying my best to find my way in this crazy life, and that I am learning from the trials and the victories therein contained.

To you, then I owe my greatest thanks. You who have been there at every corner and in every new place that I have gone to. You always make life more worth living and make ensure that I am still following the path that I need to follow, to ultimately find true happiness in the Lord. True freedom is sacrificing all that you have, being willing to give it all up for your friends to the greater glory of God. My problem is that I give to anyone, and that I need to be more loving towards those of you who have always been there for me, and who have asked me to serve an important role in your lives. If I could be there right next to you, and aid you more immediately, you know that I would, but my path has never been one that stays in one place. I believe that God has given me the blessing of an unsatisfied spirit in order to achieve great things in His name. I look forward to opportunities that are developing to teach in Latin America, and maybe to aid in a project seeking to re-build earthquake-ridden parts of Perú. I then may return to the seat of my most recent inspiration to life in Christ in El Salvador. These then may guide me down the right path, so that I may find what it is that God ultimately wants for my life.

Reflections then: how often do we spend time alone with God? How often do we listen to the yearnings deep within our own hearts? How often do we go to mass, confession, or seek which other sacrament may next be necessary in our lives? Better said, how much is God a part of our every waking and even sleeping moments? We should seek to draw ourselves ever closer to Him and His heart, for therein we discover the desires of our own, and make possible the achievement of our greatest happiness.

Though it can be restricting at times, the Church and all of its many doctrines, traditions, and other teachings exist to keep us close to Him. To give us inspiration through experience of the lives of others holier than ourselves, to learn of rules and regulations that we may want to impose on ourselves to be able to draw nearer to Him. Careful with guilt though, it is important to repent for our sins, but do not let it destroy you. We all fall, and guilt can lead us to the confessional, or back to those we have harmed to seek forgiveness, but after this we must let it go. We must move on with our lives however warped we are by our sins, and push toward the ideals that God sets out for us, each of us individually in our own lives. As someone wise once said, bring glory to God in whatever you are doing, whether ruling a country as king, or picking up the trash, do it all in the light of God's saving kingdom. Know that your work is not in vain, but builds up the kingdom on earth, until one day we can go home to our Maker and continue singing the joy that we have found throughout our lives!

Hoy día quiero exponer un asunto que me ha molestado por tanto tiempo, que no puedo evitar de pensar solamente en el momento. Entonces que cada vez me pongo aun más profundamente bajo las influencias de la gente que me rodea. Así que a veces ni imagino cómo serán las cosas fuera de la situación en que estoy envuelto. Ahorita considero vagar por el mundo, dejando todo lo anterior atrás o mejor llevando solamente las experiences y las relaciones conmigo. No sé qué quiero hacer al final, pero en este momento estudio para maestría y en el próximo quién puede saber lo que me vendrá. Posiblemente me llevará hasta el fin del mundo. En este momento reflexiono sobre irme a Chile para enseñar clases en la universidad por allá. También sobre volver a El Salvador y la gente de allá para enseñar de nuevo y pasar más tiempo con los salvadoreños tan llenos de fe. Es posible que vaya a Europa para visitar a mi amiga en Francia, y de ella a España, Alemania o Rusia. Las cosas se les arreglarán, pero es que no puedo esperarlas porque ni tengo paciencia para poder hacerlo.

Hay que pensar fuera del momento, hay que soñar, hay que experimentar lo cuanto que hay lejos de tu puerta, que hay otros mundos para explorar y en que debes dormir en la calle. Debes comer de todo, caminar por todo, cantar en la esquina de una ciudad italiana, sembrar en las chacras de Latinoamérica, tomar el vodka de Rusia, pasear por las montañas de Suiza, ni sé qué más hay para hacer en esta vida demasiada corta.

Viva, vivan, cante, canten, y así encontrarás tu vida!!!

Mo(u)rning

I have a strange fixation for the different periods of the day. In my younger days the night was my time, a period in which I could feel comfortable and accomplish much, but now I have become a man of the morning. I enjoy getting up early and getting a lot done. Today my alarm did not go off, and when I looked at the clock it said 6am, so I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Well little did I know, but we had lost power during the night, and so when I could not fall asleep, and looked at my phone I realized it was 9am and I had to go! Still, had it been a few years earlier I would have easily slept until 11am, but as it is I enjoy the fact that I still wake up early.

This is not what I want to say though, for behind every deceptively simple morning of our lives lies something deeper, a deeper yearning, feelings and emotions that we cannot fully comprehend or understand. Such is the nature of my life right now, that emotions flow through me, and I want to heed them and follow where they lead, but my mind stops my advance. When can we be sure? When can all of our doubts be assuaged and our fears be taken away? I don't know that this is ever possible, and hence the difficulty of life becomes choosing in the absence of absolute knowledge as to what we are to do or what will bring us joy.

At this point in life I cannot know what this is, and by the time we know exactly what we want we are too old to get it. Maybe it is better to chase down all the paths until we arrive at a place in which we find contentment. Maybe I have found it already and need to acknowledge this reality. Maybe the world still lies open to my pursuit and I need to go out and explore it to the fullest. This desire inside me, to go, to seek, to become a vagabond will live inside me and die if I do not heed it. And yet, what is more important? And what is more important to me? What is most loving for me to do at this point in my life, both toward me and toward the one I love? How can one decide?

How much is love worth? Interesting that all these things would arrive around St. Valentine's Day. I assure you that all will be most well. No matter where you find yourself too, God is watching out for us all and taking care of all the things that are out of our hands. We have only to put our hearts in Him and seek the deepest desires of our hearts!

The summer

I should have informed you all as to my plan for the blog...as it turns out there will be both Spanish speakers and English speakers reading, and so from here on out I will alternate the language of my posts, both for the benefit of both audiences and for the propagation of my learning of Spanish, etc.

Today I mentioned to my professor from Madrid, Spain that my name "Timoteo" in Spanish means "honoring God" and that this can be noted by the "-teo" suffix, which is a fairly clear reference to God "theos" or something along these lines. She went on to say that "timo" can come from the verb "timar" which means to "swindle" or "rip off" and so I guess I should not get into etymological discussions with my professors if I can avoid them.

As to the stated topic of this post, I am extremely endebted to Kelly Washbourne and Roberto Pizarro for the help they have lent in making my summer dreams begin to come to formulation. I am in kind of a stressful point right now, as I have decided to give final word on one possibility for the summer in a month and a half, and as of now I have nothing else on the table. The problem is that I cannot quite decide where I want to go. Colombia holds much intrigue and many connections for me and my brother Joe, and hence I would love to pass part of the summer in Bogotá, however I don't know how I would start getting myself established there unless I simply arrived and tried to find some work from there. I would like to try and continue teaching at the university/high school level, and then have this cover my expenses while at the same time taking some classes, working on translation jobs, and overall seeing what else is possible with my new career decision. My only thought is that I would like to spend this time abroad with someone else. Overseas experiences are never quite the same without someone with which to share them, and up to this point I have not yet found that person.

There are new possibilities popping up every day, all of which seem interesting and compelling. And yet the Lord tells me in prayer, when I am quiet and still enough, which is not often, that only one thing is needed. And Mary has chosen the better part. Lord please aid me in this quest, and I would appreicate the rest of your opinons as well.

Neruda

Me gusta tanto el título del trabajo q hizo él cuando estaba en México. Se llama Confieso que he Vivido y es una descripción linda de su experiencia en la tierra de los aztecas, de los mayas, de los mexicanos...traducimos un pedazo de la obra para la clase de traducción literaria, y la verdad es que no estoy seguro de me vaya a gustar esta clase. No es por las profesoras que son buenísimas, sino que la idea de traducir una obra de su lengua hasta mi lengua de una manera que mantiene los significados, el contenido, o cualquiera de las otras cosas que un traductor puede escoger parece muy difícil. Lo más difícil, supongo, sería enseñar una clase así, y por eso estoy muy agradecido a las profesoras que se han atrevido a esta hazaña.

Más esto quiero comentar sobre la idea que me encendió Neruda a través de sus memorias dentro de la obra descrita arriba. Pensaba antes que las circunstancias del mundo determinaba cómo desarrollaban las plantas, los animales y las otras cosas que tenemos que están pegados de alguna manera a una parte del mundo. Pero ahora a través de los pensamientos de Neruda, pienso que es también por el miedo que tenemos como humanos de experimentar algo nuevo. El autor habla sobre la ¨convencional frase diplomática¨ que supone que el mundo es universal, que no hay nada distinto en ninguna parte, que somos todos nosotros lo mismo. Pero no es así, ni quiere Neruda oír que alguien dice que sea así. A él y a mi nos gusta la idea de que el mundo es distinto en cada parte. Aunque a veces parece que tenemos las mismas cosas, seguro que son distintos por su manera de haberse formado o vendido o quién sabe?

Entonces, la idea que todo el mundo es el mismo, que ninguno de nosotros es algo particular, específico, significante, no me queda. Y va con el miedo. Porque si yo puedo imaginar que un otro país es en realidad lo mismo que mi país, no tengo que tener miedo de lo que me puede hacer a mi. Pero si acepto la realidad que es verdaderamente distinto, entonces tiene que cambiar mi punto de vista hacia el mundo. Y no quiero cambiar. Sé cómo vivir mi vida y estoy cómodo con ese modo. Este idea puede hacer que funcione bien una vida en que uno no tiene mucho aceso a viajar, pero si es posible, viajar es ampliar la mente, la capacidad para ideas, el punto de vista hacia el mundo. Todo cambia, y diría por lo mejor.

Sobre un asunto personal, sé que me falta mucho todavía para poder hablar español como lo quiero poder usar para comunicar. Pero en el momento lo que tengo tendrá que ser bastante para terminar con el programa y luego para manejarme en un país latino. La vida será como será, y normalmente pasan los momentos más importantes en las cosas que no escogemos ni habíamos esperado. La vida es mejor así, sin miedo y con todos los caminos abiertos para seguir explorando!!!!

El Salvador Reflection

It is an unhealthy tendency we sometimes have here in the States to claim that we have everything. We speak of poverty in other parts of the world, and how we can go about eradicating it, though we fail to recognize the poverty that we ourselves possess. Upon arriving to El Salvador I was half-prepared for a mob of overzealous people to overtake us and take from us what they needed. This may happen in certain cases, but under the care of Padre Rafa we encountered no problems and instead people whose material needs were great, though often went unacknowledged especially by them. Instead, friendship, family, and overall joy outshine the lack of these material things. In one week I drew closer to some of the Salvadorans than I am with people here in the States with whom I have worked for several months. They certainly know how to develop friendships...

Which need is more acute then? The needs that stem from material poverty or from relational poverty? For blessed are the poor, and from those in El Salvador, I learned even more deeply the value of things immaterial; the matters of the soul.

pensamientos después de e.s.

Quiero comentar un poco sobre la vida solamente en español para q los q he conocido en El Salvador pueden también leer esto. Recienmente he aprendido dos lecciones importantes, el primero q nuestro ambiente nos influye mucho en nuestro modo de vivir. Noto q fue así cuando vivía allá otra vez en Latinoamérica. Se me había de lo cuanto me gustaba todo de Perú y el continente en general. La gente allá es más ayudable, generosa y feliz. Aun ahora cuando estoy en mi cama de los EEUU intentando de escribir en español es q me faltan las palabras para expresar lo q viene a mi mente. Mi amiga me preguntó esta noche si pienso en español cuando escribo cosas así como ésta. Diría q sí aunque a veces me impide un poco la diferencia entre el vocabulario q tengo para expresarme en inglés y el q tengo en español. Supongo q de alguna manera, seguir escribiendo en español me ayudará a continuar aprendiendo de la lengua q viene de una cultura q me gusta mucho a mí.

La otra cosa q aprendí fue q yo tengo un afecto hacia mi ambiente. La gente q me mira y con q hablo responde mucho a lo q tengo para decir. No sé porqué el Dios me dio este don, solo q lo tengo y lo debo usar de manera para atraer más hacia su reino. Creo q me costará hacer lo q Él quiere q haga, pero supe también en este viaje a El Salvador, aunque lo sabía bien antes de olvidarlo, q solo puede encontrar felicidad haciendo lo q el Señor quiere para mi vida. No nos dice por llamadas de celular, ni a través de sueños muy claros, aunq mensajes recibidos de ambas maneras pueden mostrarnos algo bueno en tal momento. Nuestro pastor nos dijo q el Señor nos habla por la oraciones q ofrecemos hacia Él, y de este modo nos dirige por su camino para nuestras vidas q es el camino q nos trae hasta nuestra felicidad. Veramente nostros encontramos la paz y la fe en el, y como dice San Agustín, "Mi corazón no descansará hasta q descanse en ti Señor" y también añadiría q no encontrará mi vida hasta q te la de a ti Señor.

Señor rezo para q tú nos mostrará nuestros caminos, q nos ayudará encontrar lo bueno de la vida q nos exige y inspira hasta cumplir tu voluntad para cada uno de nostros.

Quiero dar mis gracias a todos de nuestro viaje a El Salvador q me ayudó a encontrar las verdades q explico aquí escritas y q me inspiraban a buscar un modo nuevo de vivir. Q el Dios les bendiga a todos ustedes.

Amazing...

That is the only word I have to describe life right now. Though there are many doubts and pangs of uncertainty in my soul, I know most deeply that all will be well in time. Today I met with some old friends from Rockford who believe in me and they have inspired me yet again to live the dream. Not to wait and see what will happen, but to continue to grab life by the tail and take it wherever it leads, as long as these destinations fulfill the longings of my heart.

I long for God. But I have not yet found the way to live for Him here in this life. Besides I am having way too much fun trying different things every day, and I suppose am awaiting the moment in which He will knock me on my butt as He did to Saul, and tell me what He would have me do with my life. Still, there is something about following the deepest desires of your heart that draws others, that holds people amazed, and that inspires them to live their own lives. Life can be very difficult, and even boring if we let it, isn't it better to chase those things we may not think we are capable of catching, but try anyway? Yes that star lies on the horizon, but if I catch it by surprise can it not be mine? If I run from this day forward, won't I at some point reach that distance and make the star my own?

Don't get me wrong, this life is hard. Every day I get up, I sometimes wonder what the next few hours will bring, and wonder at the possibility of getting hurt or even dying that day. All the more reason to chase our dreams, because then if we are called up one of these days we will have lived! It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I will live past 30, and maybe I won't, but if I do I certainly want to have something to tell my grandchildren. I want to be able to inspire them with stories of the inspired and examined life. My life is not one for the meek, because I am beginning to see that this is not my calling. But rather to live the gifts that God has given me. To be loud for Him, to seek relationships that bring others to Him, to work hard at my pursuits to His greater glory. To never worry about having enough because He will provide in some way. I suppose the hardest part is knowing how much I have to give. Where should my efforts stop and His work and will begin? Well, I suppose this is the hardest part for all of us. We get to choose yes, but sometimes it is hard to see how God plays into that picture. I have always tried never to settle for what is easy, but who's to say that what would be easier for us is not what God wants?

I think about the parable of the talents, in which each servant gets the number of talents that his master gives and then takes them to do with them as each chooses. Ultimately the ones who gave them away in order to get more were rewarded and the one who horded his talent was denounced. I suppose there is here then some measure of direction as to the fact that we should make the most of whatever God has given us, that we should choose the more challenging road, or the one that will help us to grow the most.

Thus we must seek challenges in every day that we live. We must search for those things that make us come alive and learn to grow with and through them. If we continue searching for these things, and keep God at the heart of all we do, all will be most well.

New Years

I suppose there are few times better than the New Year´s celebration to reflect on the past and where in the future it may lead. Life thus far for me has been a journey and an adventure. There have been moments that have given me pause, but I have always maintained some measure of fervor and excitement in approaching the future. That is, until now. I feel that maybe it is only a moment, a fleeting experience of apathy and uncertainty in which I feel paralyzed as to where to go. This more accurately describes my experience of the past weeks, and not necessarily today as I believe God blessed me with an inspiring dream last night and I look forward now to the prospect of new travel frontiers and destinations in the coming months. I do not yet know where all of this will lead, but writing as I do here helps me to visualize all of this and put it all into perspective such that I can make some sort of decision.

I was told last night by a very good friend of mine that I am very contemplative and I like to ponder on the realities of life that are impacted by every moment that we live on this earth. Every act is monumental, and becomes a part of us in that we learn something from it, or that it has a somewhat permanent affect on our person. I have enjoyed the moments of my life thus far and up to this point, but have found myself at yet another poignant precipice from which I must cast out into the deep yet again. I like that I have tried to do everything in my life against the grain, apart from what is conventional, and which takes some measure of courage and an ability to deal with new fears and uncertainties. I yearn to feel this again, I yearn for that next shining horizon, for that next opportunity to arise. And yet I wonder whether it lies inside me. I wonder whether my travels and adventures are coming to a close and that it is time that I invest more in what is already here with and inside me. I do not quite know what this means either, but I do know that whatever is to come in the next few months, it will look very different from the past ones.

God is the only constant. He is the only one we can appeal to in every situation, and Who keeps us from despair when we encounter a situation in which we cannot have what we want, as pure as the desire may be; when we are uncertain of what the future will bring; when our hearts feel empty and we would be lost otherwise. God, what do you want from me? This question has echoed endlessly in my mind, and just when it seems that He has shown me my path, it changes again. Another wrench is thrown in the works and I am cast yet again somewhere else. This is of course not only the work of God, my own volition has also contributed to the multitude and breadth of the experiences that I have had in the past few years, but I can only attribute their variance and quality to the work of God. He is leading me somewhere and asks me only to take courage and follow. Prior to this point in my life I was a source of strength for many others, but I feel now that God is calling me to put my faith more completely in Him, and to let Him show me where the path leads next, or rather, where I am to forge a new one.

The next several years could bring summer in Spain, teaching in Latin America, learning Russian in Eastern Europe somewhere, studying Arabic, theology, German, French, any language: more Spanish; and though no one else may be, God will be there through it all. This is what both I and we all must remember as we forge ahead in our own lives. That God is constant in all things, especially in wanting what's best for us, and though this at times may be a trying reality, good will come of it all in the end. Thank you Lord for all you have shown me thus far in life, and for all that is to come!

Home

I feel as if I've come home. Though it is far from where I spent the majority of my life, there is an essential part of my existence that began here, and it teaches me about where I am to go. There is inside me a desire for community, a desire for what is familiar and recognizable, while at the same time my mind desires to be stretched by new ideas, new horizons, and new approaches to life. I am a paradox, because on one hand I would desire a family, but on the other have rejected the things that would have led me down that path. My journey thus far in life has looked like a patchwork quilt of things that do not fit well together. Upon graduating college in a city that I never expected to be in, I had no clue what I wanted to do, only that I did not want to continue on in school. I think I made the right decision and yet I find myself in school again. This time in different capacities, but here I still am, and the future is no more clear.

Yet to come home to Steubenville. To talk to people who babysat me growing up, and who know me though I am seeing their faces for the first time with eyes that comprehend. There is an essential energy, a vitality, a desire to live that pervades my every thought that I felt I had figured out. Life here is fast, and yet grounded in Christ, and in strong family relationships. People are uncertain of what they will do, but spend their lives living and questioning every path they take. No one waits for things to happen. There is little tentativeness, only a genuine desire to get to know one another and to help one another through this sometime difficult existence we all must live.

God works, God lives. I like to think back to the speech of the abortion survivor, whose life has been a testament to the glory and unlimited power of God to do good and bring about His will in the world. I cannot comprehend the nature of existence here, and maybe I am exhausted, but my reaction has been to relax and enjoy the moments without working too much. Only observing the lives of a family who I have loved for long and whose adoption of me over this Thanksgiving holiday has been a true blessing. I am grateful to them in so many ways for all they have given me.

Yesterday we visited the hospital of my birth, and I reflect on what it must have been life for my father to sit and wait, or my mother to bear the pains of childbirth, such that I might live. And what have I done with their sacrifices? What have I done with the life that our Lord above has so graciously bestowed upon me? I have had want for nothing in my life, so how do I give that back? I want to live radically and fully for Christ, and yet sometimes struggle to figure out what that means or even looks like. Will I translate as a part of it?...Maybe...Will I sing? Will I run? Will I fight? I will pray....What do you want of me Lord? I think it is eternally tied to what I desire for myself. For He wants only that we would love and serve Him to the greatest of our capability. We decide what that looks like.

I have some great opportunities opening in my life, and I only pray that I treat them as the Lord would have me do, and learn each day more and more of Him whom I love, and to whom my life is ultimately bound.

True Love

I know that this is a cliché reading for weddings, but it really soothes my heart to know that all these things are true, and this is one that may work for you, but is acutely necessary for me at this point in my life:

From the New American Bible 13:4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

But then there is this from Proverbs Prv 31:10-13, 19-20, 30-31

"When one finds a worthy wife,
her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband, entrusting his heart to her,
has an unfailing prize.
She brings him good, and not evil,
all the days of her life.
She obtains wool and flax
and works with loving hands.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her fingers ply the spindle.
She reaches out her hands to the poor,
and extends her arms to the needy.
Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;
the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her a reward for her labors,
and let her works praise her at the city gates."

And I worry about the love that I feel, and whether it may just be fleeting like beauty, or that I am deceived by charm. I think we all want to believe that we are truly loved, and this I do, only that I have always kept a piece of my heart back, this world too often seems to come back and throw things in our face when we really devote ourselves to them and want them badly. I have found few things in life that I wanted to pursue to the ends of the earth, or at least to the end of my life, but I am learning that they are out there. If there was ever any doubt in my heart before that true love exists, that doubt is no long gone...I have seen the city and its inner workings, have felt its work within me, and have seen how glorious it can make dreary day, and how work turns into the conquer of a dragon for the heart of the princess.

Everything takes on more gravity, not the least of which is the relationship itself, which constantly moves itself deeper and deeper unto destinations uncertain and unknown. All that one can do is follow and trust that there is a reason for all of this, and in time it will become clear, and life will begin to make a bit more sense as we would cast ourselves with seeming senselessness headlong into the vocation of life. For it is in losing our lives, or giving them up for others, that we truly find them, and in sharing love that we understand the true and deepest gifts that God has to offer us in his gift of Love to the world.

Would that we would all follow God along the path of our lives, chasing our dreams and pursuing our passions, and always keeping an eye open for the doors and windows that open before us, for it is not us who open them, but rather our God and Creator who loves us dearly and wants what's best for our lives. Live the moment for Him, and the future will figure itself out between Him and the workings of this crazy world where we make our temporal home.

Today

I don't know what to do with my life, and yet I have a plan. I have so much work to do, and yet none at all. I love my God, and yet only give Him a small portion of the time I am allotted on this earth. My life is one of contradictions, and isn't this in some cases a good sign?

I love a woman, but I cannot have her. I love my family, but hold them in second, maybe third place. I am studying to be a translator, but may not even translate. I desire to travel the world, but hesitate to buy the ticket. I have many friends, but do not devote as much time to them as I should. I believe that certain things in life are wrong, and yet love those who commit these wrongs. I cannot know what is exactly right in life, but I can seek to know and live by the truth.

What do you have for me God? Sometimes I wonder whether I have gone down the wrong path altogether, or have wandered so far from your mercy that my life is a disgrace to you, and I deserve not even to call myself Catholic.

I have much left to live and seek in this life, and with Your help, I can accomplish much for you. But for the moment, I am here, trying to remain in touch with you, seeking Your will for my life, and seeking to love all those who surround me.

Let's go deeper...

So lately I have been shirking my fidelity to this blog in favor of chasing a career in translation, which at the moment is going quite well. However so many other situations have arisen in my life that have completely consumed my attention and I feel as if sometimes I simply run from one thing to the next in life. Life is too short to be running around like a crazy person and not staying in touch with those you love, and I am learning that very quickly and unfortunately the hard way. Still I do not know where this balance lies. I love all my friends and family very much, but at times I just cannot tear myself away from the work that I am doing. I am tenacious in pursuing those things of interest to me in this life and do not let them go until I am satisfied that they are done.

When it comes to translation, I am still learning and so these consume my time more than I might like, but in time they will become more manageable, especially with so many technological tools at my disposal.

We had an interesting discussion about the future of the translation industry today in one of my translation courses, theory actually. It was very good to hear a bit of prediction from the founder of our "Institute of Applied Linguistics" who seems to possess a keen mind for perceiving changes and trends to come in the industry. He foresees an increase in the corporatization of the industry, a characteristic that would lend itself very well to my managerial and interpersonal skill set. I am a fair translator, and will be able to improve with my work here in Kent, but will likely work in something that acts in conjunction with translators, rather than as simply a freelance translator of texts. Life is too short anyway to stick to one thing....

So many new developments in life, and so little time to discuss them all. What can I say, for the moment know that I am enjoying this time of searching, both for career and vocation, and learning much about the people in this world, both from the US and from all over the rest of it. I don't know what the future holds, but I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring!!!

The Evening

Sometimes the onset of the night brings moments of lucid thought, of inventiveness and the deepness that characterizes the work of the great philosophers, but sometimes it does not. And I fear that this is one of those moments. However I today read how Velásquez' "Las Meninas" was a work of art for art's sake, and I wonder whether we can live life this way. Can we live life, only for life's sake? What does this mean? Immediately to my mind comes the often atheist approach that there is nothing beyond this life and hence we better get our butts moving on the things that are important. Then again I wonder about the atheists who do less than those of us who believe in some form of afterlife, because aren't they in some fashion relying on the fact that we believe in something more, something greater? If I truly believed that there was no God, that we have only the moments here on Earth, then I would have complete disregard for anything else than to get mine and move on. However, thanks to God, that He came to earth and showed us His will for us, we know what we are called to live. That we are called to love one another and help others who do not understand the Truth that underlies all things in this world. For it is in our relationships that we achieve the highest levels of human contentment and satisfaction. Yes we can achieve great things materially, but aren't they all as nothing following death? How many people do you know that died and were able to take any physical objects with them, or honors, Nobel Peace Prizes, multiple degrees and doctorates, awards, trophies, etc.? Life is about love. And it is good and refreshing to remember this...The Lord came to this earth to save us from ourselves, by showing us the way to Him is through one another. By loving one another more deeply we will draw ever closer to Him and his all-encompassing love. I could not live a life without this hope, but I must also admit the final part of Paul's message, the crux upon which everything theological rests, and that is faith. I love the quote that states that faith is like the board that a drowning man clings to in an open sea of doubt. Yes it is hard, not only to believe, but even more to live! Please recognize that it takes courage to have faith, and that faith is not something blindly accepted, but chosen from the depths of the heart, mind, body and soul, from the very essences that make us metaphysically and real-ly individuals.

God will show you His love no matter what, He only asks that you love Him back. Develop a relationship with Him. Ask Him any question you can think of...because no matter where else you look in the world or even in the universe, you will find no more satisfying answers than you will find in a relationship with our God and Father.

I pray that you will find your way home.

A Sluggish Day...

It is amazing how quickly life can change, how new challenges and opportunities can arise in a moment and be gone the next. Friends come and go from your life, and acquaintances become friends and friends, strangers once again. This can be a sad evolution, but the truth is that some will never leave. Some will stay. Some will be there for you in your time of deepest need. Some will hold you in their hearts no matter where you are, how far, nor long out of touch. Love reigns at the heart of these persons, and rains upon you in their presence. I love the reading from St. Paul that expresses so concisely what I falter in saying here; "That in the end three things remain: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love". We yearn for it, we seek it in many different places; forces within the world try to tell us that we may find it in places that end in bottomless pits that swallow our lives and shackle us to habits, addictions, and obligations we never bargained for.

I praise the Lord for the ways in which He has protected me from these, and I believe it my calling to explain these freeing truths to others. Yet, not everyone is open to hearing the truth. They have their own truths, their own modi operandi, that may or may not be consistent with that which runs through all things. In these moments I wonder at the challenge of a greater love that condemns the action of the loved one, and yet shows a great love for him in that his understanding that it is a false truth he follows, will set him free to live life in a way that will be so much more fulfilling. But in the moment, it is painful. Arguments may arise because the other feels threatened. Ad hominem threats may be thrown at you because you believe different things. Why is it that I can walk into a room and show only love toward others and come away having been insulted and disrespected for who I am? Why is it so threatening to others that I seek to live a greater life? I desire to be a part of a greater story, to change this world for the better. I refuse to accept that this world is going to "hell in a handbasket", or that recession or some form of global warming will somehow kill us all. This world is temporal anyway, and our lives upon it are not our own. So why do we insist on taking the wrong approach on so many different levels and then wonder why we are so depressed and cannot comprehend why anyone would go to Church, or ascribe to any form of religion besides that of narcissism. I want mine, and that is all. This will take us nowhere. Would that we would all reach out to those around us, starving for love and attention and show them what Christ's love is really about, and hence what life is really about. Other paths that we follow in this life, like career, vocation, hobbies, jobs, volunteer experiences, should all serve as a means to sharpening our work toward this greater goal.

Jesus is present in this world, but if we do not truly live for Him, how can he reach out of our hearts to touch others'?

Today's Readings

I was blown away to hear today the very verse that I quoted the other night in regard to my presence here at Kent State University. In any new situation I am quick to question my ability to adapt, my sense of belonging, and my ability to establish myself in all aspects of my life. I thought at that point of the verse from Paul that is colloquially rendered, "When in Rome, do as the Romans; interesting that Paul did write letters to the Romans, but that this particular quote actually comes from his letters to the Corinthians. My love for the Bible is growing and I owe no small gift of thanks to Elise for this. Though it is not the definitive source for answers on faith issues, there is so much to learn from what the writers have put down. At times I feel I am at such a distance from my faith, but then the Gospel brings me back to reality by making the simple statement that we must be willing to remove the log from our own eye first, in order to later help our brother remove his splinter. I ponder the logs in my life; the things that I must cast out of my daily existence, and prevent from ever returning. At the same time I am reminded of the reading from last week that encourages us to confront our brothers when we are at odds with them for any reason. The deeper truth is that no one of us is ever perfect, but even in our imperfection, we can help one another to recognize and expel evils and sin from our lives. We must work together and act out of love, and all these things that we are taught as Christians and Catholics are possible!

Know that I am well here at Kent State; I have found a church that I enjoy attending by the name of St. Patrick's including attached school and hence opportunities to officiate. I play volleyball one night a week at a local bar/bowling alley/sand volleyball court place. I love it and have actually hooked up with a team comprised of largely Army recruiters. Guess I'm pretty close to "Army strong". Beyond this, classes and teaching are going well. I enjoy everything I'm doing and look forward to what the future will bring, that is beyond the snow, wind and rain!

My life in Kent, OH

Today...I met with the Kent State University women's volleyball coach, and learned that there is a possibility that I could help out with the team. Also, my first class went very well, and I learned some new strategies to try in my own classroom. I have a couple hours between the observation class and my own, and so I prepped some new activities to add to the mix of what I already had and ran for it! The class went well, I am starting to see the chatty side of my class, but I think that they respect me highly.

I have enjoyed teaching, and have done it every day thus far in a shirt and tie. I am used to the sensation, it reminds me of the Boylan days!!! You know you all miss them too! This afternoon I attended my own class on translation theory, which I find very intriguing, and the professor very challenging, both aspects that add to my enjoyment.

This evening I went to Kent Lanes, a place recommended by my roommate, and a place where we all went bowling this past weekend. It was a blast! The people playing were extremely cool and invited me to play on their team on a regular basis. So I guess I am involved in a volleyball league after all, and may not pursue intramurals since these games will go for the next six weeks yet.

Other than these, I am starting to feel tired. I guess all that running and diving, teaching and learning, really does take something out of you. But I wanted to share, and as our translation practice prof recommends: we must maintain those elements in our life apart from whatever our major pursuit may be, otherwise even that major pursuit can become dull and boring, and then life is not at all fun!

I hope you all are well...