Find the joy in life....

So I bought a new desktop computer in order to be able to return to my stream of consciousness blog posting without my laptop overheating and shutting down unpredictably. Nonetheless, after three months this is literally the first time that I have finally sat down to write something. It is amazing how quickly life takes off and leaves you with little time to devote to your passions unless you specifically allocate the time for them.

Such has been the thrust of my thinking of late. My latest employ has brought me into contact with many small business owners, who ostensibly follow their passions to the fullest, turning them into their primary source of breadwinning. Many are positive about their ventures, extolling their gratitude for how fortunate they have been to have built such a business, and yet others focus more specifically on the great deal of time and dedication that they have spent in building their enterprise. One even went so far as to declare that the income of a business owner may never even reach that of an employee, depending on the company or business, taking into account all of the benefits and vacation time that a typical company offers the typical employee.

Still, I am not completely sold one way or another. I firmly believe that each one us has a passion in this life, discovered or still hidden in the rough. Each one of our life journey guides us either closer to or farther from that which we love in the deepest part of our inmost self. It is to us to read the guideposts or comprehend the signs along the way, and follow them to the place of our greatest joy.

Think about it. What brings you joy in life? When do you feel most alive?

My answer to this question would bring me to discuss several aspects of my life. I love language and the interplay that it creates among individuals and the development of culture that it stimulates. I love volleyball and its interdependency and the positive community that it invariably creates in every area I have encountered it. I love my wife, the family that we have built, and the welcoming, warm environment that we have been able to build, and into which we invite others and extend to the other parts of our respective families.

I love exercise and movement. I love spontaneity and feeling unconstrained by the conventions and norms that govern our society. Countercultural, unrestrained, fearless, open and opinionated; any of these could describe me at different points in my life, and I have not always enjoyed every moment.

I feel most free, and the most joy when I can be who I am in the deepest part of me, and still feel loved.

I also enjoy working with my hands. I have learned that this is more crucial to my passion and joy than I ever could have imagined. I enjoy touch, and it is the strongest amongst my love languages, and thus I suppose that it should not surprise me that this should be integral to the work that I seek. Interestingly enough however, I only now came to think about how important this might be. Like my father, I too enjoy working outside and so thus, maybe it would make sense for me to pick up what he does and take it to the next level? I don't know. I have long shied away from anything remotely tying me to my hometown and family, but perhaps therein lies the answer. This would not mean that I would have to conduct business in Rockford, but could take the industry anywhere I want.

What is life?

Uncertainty I daresay is my greatest nemesis. I have always desired to know for sure, ever since I was a little kid. I looked to everyone else to tell me what's right and what's wrong; good and bad. But following childhood we are thrust into a world in which we are already supposed to know these things. Even if we spent our entire childhoods following someone else's directions, now, of a sudden, we are supposed and expected to know exactly what we want to do for the rest of our lives. Fortunately the United States education system does allow some latitude for us to "figure things out," however I do not know how good this is either. All this to say that I don't know what I want to do. Life seems ever a tension between what is right in front of me and what I am supposed to be doing. Goals are good, but if your mind is limiting you to do what's "right," and you don't really know what that is, how in the world are you supposed to set goals? Yes we can work, and save and build a family, develop a life, find the love of that life, and build something greater together, and yet in all of that are we not just simply following the framework of many years past? Simply repeating history? There is nothing new under the sun, so what are we living for? Certainly not to create new things, do new things, it's all been done before. The context changes, people change, technology "improves," and yet we are just as much people as Adam and Eve and those who witnessed every epoch that life has been in existence. So what do we do with our lives? Work must definitely play a part, and allow us to live in this world, however should it be the prime focus? And what about success, wealth, fame, beauty, all of the things that so many of us spend our whole lives trying to attain. Or is life meant simply for spending, even wasting; obeying the hedonist pleasure principle that we must get all that we can with the limited time that we have. None of these do it for me. Ever before and ever anon there will be that void inside that assures me that there is something more; something greater; something that I of my own free will and volition cannot fill up, cannot satisfy, can only hope to learn more about and then allow to be filled. There are experiences in life that approximate the fullness I seek, but they are often short-lived and would coincide with events promoted by a more hedonistic, or pleasure-driven approach to life. What do I want from this life? There are few things that I want and need, and perhaps for this reason do I run so fast, and attempt to avoid the deeper questions in life. There was a time when I would have indulged myself and pondered these to the n-th degree, wondering, daydreaming, seeking, and to the end that I found some vestige of tranquility in that all things are uncertain in this life in which we live and make our existence. What are the deeper questions in life? How well can I distract myself from reality? How long till I next get drunk? How many days left until the weekend? How soon do I get to see my girlfriend/boyfriend/long-lost friend? I think that we can create our own needs, and dare I say even exaggerate them and allow them to monopolize our time and energy. I am no expert, theologian, philosopher, or genius, but I propose that some of the deeper questions in life are as follows: 1. Who am I? 2. How did I get here? 3. What is my purpose? 4. Who do I love? 5. What do I believe in? 6. What do I want to do with my gifts and talents in the short amount of time that I have been given to be a part of this world? If I can answer just a few of these questions, I will have begun to discover what it means to live!

Musings...about life and passion...

What constitutes passion? For which do we live: that which brings fire to our breast or bread to our table? Can these be one and the same? How does one fit family, socialization, vacation; in short all of the modern constructs into the temporal limitations of a single life? And what if these two coincide? Does this facilitate or exacerbate the issues described above.

Time is of a limited quantity for each one of us, hence lending preciousness to each of the microseconds in which we live and breathe and move, and yet there is at times a desperation that tugs at the heart, inquiring as to whether we have well used the time with which we have been endowed. For me, at times there seems to exist a hard polemic between what we want to and what we believe we should do with these lives of which we are the undeserving and at times unaware beneficiaries. Certainly once said life has been ordained we have the right to live it, however the question comes down to how we live it. How shall we spend the time we have been given. And this lies at the heart of what catapults my mind to a million possibilities on a daily basis.

Work is a necessary part of our daily lives. Modern America would seem to have removed a certain level of responsibility from the worker, and on the contrary imputed a great deal of responsibility on the employer, such that the work itself takes on less focus than the associated benefits, salary, and time off of the employment in question. I would venture that not long ago, these questions would never have entered the minds of those setting off to work. Their concerns lie in securing employment and in doing everything necessary to maintain it, in order to in turn maintain their families. I may even go so far as to suggest that they sought more immediately what it was they truly enjoyed, or phrased differently, followed their respective passions.

Now it would at times seem that we are rather out for all that we can get as far as the fringe benefits and options are concerned, and worry little for what lies at the heart of the labor we undertake in exchange. Much to my own peril, I do at times fear, for something in the heart of me will not rest in these conditions. Be it that I choose a field completely unrelated to the course of study I chose, or even a type of employment that for some particular reason society would consider me to be above, I will give it my best all, until such time as I see that it does not give back to me in the same measure.

In the perception of a thirty-something, oft-employed and seldom fulfilled professional, employee, and coach, I believe that our work must always return to us at least as much as we put into it. Perhaps ironically, this has little to do with the associated pay involved. As long as there is enough to support the life that we live, this particular requirement has been fulfilled and should stop here. I can name off a dozen jobs I have performed for a lot less than the one I have now, where I have had triple the sense of fulfillment.

Is it enough to love your job? Perhaps, but does it also challenge you? Thrust you forward to develop some other part of you that up to this point in your life you have not known? These are the requirements I have for the jobs that I undertake, and as such, perhaps it is not surprising that I have found few that have answered in all that I have asked of them.

Even still, there is the utilitarian aspect of the work that we do. What purpose does it serve? To bring bread to the table and financially support and enable the lives that we lead. Just about any job position can fill this order....especially in the age of the minimum wage. But this does not get to the heart of what it means to discover passion and make it a part of our every day lives. Oh how I wish that I could find such a place to discharge my skills and abilities in a way that would reward the world with my own particular brand of genius.

Genius though, innate or learned? This is an intriguing question to be explored in more detail. Are we all geniuses, inherently capable of bestowing some new knowledge or facilitating some new discovery for the world? One might be so audacious as to say yes, and in so stating clarify that a majority of the world does not exercise their gifts and talents for fear of the very world in which they have been born and live. Those who truly exhibit the genius bestowed upon them are those uninhibited by the fear of judgment by those around them, or what might happen, or what might not happen, or what might have been.

Where do I fall? Somewhere in the mix. From the time of my childhood, I have never quite known my place in the world; and then at some point I came to the startling realization that I am entitled to no place, rather I must make my own place and move forward from there. I think I still find myself limited by this understanding, afraid of what I may or may not achieve if I take said action. Of the few certainties I can put forth, are a passion for language and the human person. A deep understanding of others and a desire to see them succeed. Perhaps these are what I need to fixate on in order to discover the place where my gifts and talents meets the world's needs. The mythical sweet spot, where man finds fulfillment and the world and those around him reap the benefits of a man truly and fully living out his purpose in life.

Where I've Been

In reflecting lately, I decided to count up the number of countries that I have had the opportunity to visit so far. I am still missing 2 continents and several countries, but the map is pretty nice right?

Inspiring vs. Inspired

This question has long intrigued me, "Need someone be inspired in order to inspire?" It is interesting what inspires us sometimes. It can be something as simple as a photograph, or the passing words in a conversation we overheard between people we do not know. And yet, I believe that inspiration can be imparted very deliberately through our words and actions. I realized today that I set out on this journey not to prove anything to anyone, nor to fulfill some sort of route of passage in my life, nor even to "find myself" whatever that should be understood to mean. No I set out on this journey because this is something that I have always wanted to try, and yet therein always lay great fear for me as well. I remember a couple of days before we were set to leave on 15 September 2010, when I said that maybe we should wait and almost allowed the fear in my heart to stop me from fulfilling something I had long dreamt of doing. The fear stemmed from the inherent uncertainty that came with our approach to the journey. We had a few "safety nets" set into place, but one of the most challenging and yet most essential elements to the trip was that these had to be left behind for a time, and we had to see how we could stand up to the world in the most fundamental sense. I have my father to thank for pushing us out the door. Go! And so we went.

I remember those first couple of months, travelling across the United States and feeling like a lost vagabond with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. And yet, in every place we found people who were willing to help us, who even went out of their way to ensure that we were adequately provided for, even making sacrifices on their own account in order that we could continue chasing our dream. How can we repay such kindness? How can anyone be so kind in the first place? I believe this takes me back to the title. I think one of the most inspiring things in life is to discover for ourselves that anything is possible. It is one thing to talk about how a fear may be overcome, to logically address the steps that must be taken, but quite another to embrace the fear, without ever having conquered it, and to confront it in the happenings of daily life. This, I have learned, was the real challenge for me in what we did, and in having discovered that I can overcome it; that I can survive; that I need no longer be limited by fear; that is to be inspired.

Now, we are on our way home. As I have said to my brother often over the past several days, "There is no going back." We will never be the same after this journey that we have embarked upon together. My hope is that the inspiration wrought from this journey will translate into my becoming more and more the inspiring person that I hope to be. Life can be very dull unless we see the endless possibilities if we would just build up the courage to confront the fears and adversity in our lives. And sometimes all it takes is a little inspiration from someone else who has done just that in their own lives.

So run! Chase! Confront! Hope! Love! Live! We are the dreamers of dreams and the masters of our destiny. Let us not allow fear to keep us from becoming the people we have the potential to be. Live on, dream on, make your life extraordinary!

Obligation vs. Desire

My life began when I stopped doing what I thought I should do, and started doing what I wanted to. Life is too short to wander around seeking the approval or permission of others to do what you know you want in your heart. Granted, there is a level of discernment that is necessary in order to reach the point of being able to make a decision, however after we have determined that our hopes and dreams in no way infringe upon the rights of others, and that they truly do represent the desires of our hearts, then we must run to accomplish what it is we know in our hearts we must do. Only in this way can we find fulfillment, peace, hope, the strength to greet tomorrow. What do you want? A difficult question to be sure, but then again consider the times in life during which you have felt most alive, most rewarded, most at peace, most content. Contentedness breeds productivity, love, deeper relationships, hope, and the will to live and accomplish great things.

I thought for a while that a world trip would set me apart, would lend me some sort of notoriety or fame, and indeed, to a degree it has. However this is not what it is about for me. Life, for me, has never been about popularity, success, winning, or financial prosperity. Life, instead, is about relationships, is about taking what we have and sharing it with those that surround us, and deepening our understanding of life and the human experience. What do we think about? What are we meant to do? To what are each one of us called? How do we go about infusing meaning into this some time difficult undertaking that we call life?

I believe that it comes down to discerning those desires in ourselves, and following them to their end. And in fulfilling the desires that fill our hearts, we lend meaning and assurance to our lives. This is the way that I go about living. Today I seek to become the best possible version of myself by following the path written in my heart. Life is beautiful. Discover the particular beauty that lies in the very depths of your heart. And never forget to stand by what you want. Because unfortunately in a world dominated by individualism, no one else is going to freely give you your deepest desires. Live it, and make it your own!

If you're interested, there has been an article published in a Kent State University magazine called "The Burr" to which I contributed to author Kelley Stoklosa, some of my views and thoughts. Here is the link if you are interested in reading it, and I would love to hear your reactions as well.

http://issuu.com/KentWired/docs/burr_spring2011_final

All the best!

What's this life for?

First of all, please do not think that I am in any way suicidal, I am in New Zealand for goodness sake! However this question seems constantly to enter my mind. The deepness of the implications are very interesting. God ostensibly provides some answers, but then when I set down to analyzing and thinking about all of the implications of God and creation, and the Tradition that He has handed down to us through the Catholic Church, it all gets a bit muddled. Then for the moment, the only answers that I seem to be receiving to my myriad questions, amount to "You think too much," or "Don't over-analyze, it will lead you somewhere you do not want to be." However I believe that the strength of joy that I formerly felt and now at occasions feel for life stemmed from my very devotion to this God and His prescribed ways for living life. One day I discovered that I had strayed from the path as it were, and now I feel completely lost. It is as if the standards set are exclusive, and do not allow us even to forgive ourselves. In theory there is forgiveness available, but then again there have long been times when this forgiveness hinged on the whims of men, and not of God. What is this faith that we have been given? Why do I still feel it so strongly in spite of all of my doubts? Why can I not just cast myself into the first job, career, or vocation that presents itself? Why do I keep asking questions long after others would have resigned themselves to one solution or answer. What is life for?

Neither I, nor any one of us asked to be born into this world. And yet I have found myself wandering the land, now long and far, seeking the answers to how to live a good and fulfilling life. Distracting myself from reality have not proven answers for me. Nor has immersing myself in relationships, whether by choice or by chance. It seems that life is simply a muddled confusion for us all. There are clues, but no cut and dry solution to the mystery of life.

What are we here for? What good can we bring about upon this earth during the short time during which it has been ordained that we should roam it? What should any one of us seek for other than to make the most of the time that we have been given in the way that we individually see fit?

I desire something more, and yet despite my quest to find it, find myself uncertain of what that means. And so I find myself making promises that I cannot keep, and following roads that I know I may not want in my heart of hearts, but that are there before me and represent some way of avoiding the constance of thought and contemplation that ever plagues my mind and soul. Peace I suppose I desire, but patience must precede this peace. And as I recently learned the word "patience" is derived from the Latin "patiens" meaning "to suffer." Thus patience is lingusticially linked to suffering, and I find it to be no coincidence.

Thus I keep searching and asking questions; at this point at almost the farthest possible reaches from where I draw my roots. I thank God for the opportunity to be here, but also ask that He help clarify the path for us all, might reveal to us in our hearts what we might do, in order that more of us might lead lives on fire; might captivate the attention of our respective nations; and might tranform the face of the world into the future!

For this I hope and pray. For this I hope my life might serve.

First pass at a mission statement

This needs some work, and is perhaps more of a rant, but here goes:

Mission Statement:
I used to think that this was just for us, for those who would actually embark upon the journey together, however I have come to realize that we do this not only for ourselves, but also for anyone who has ever dreamed, and who has yet to realize that dream. The only unique characteristic we possess is the freedom to go and the firm belief that we will accomplish what we set out to achieve. Life is too short. There were multiple points along the way when my choices could have determined the rest of my life, and I would be “settled,” whatever that means, and would be living a more formulaic and established life. However, these choices never came to fruition, and I find myself a graduate with a master’s degree and all the aspirations in the world to travel the world, to explore and understand new cultures that I have only ever read about, or seen in some television special. Life is about what happens when you are planning for the next step, so apart from the general and unavoidable contingency planning, this trip will take place purely through spontaneity, and will show each participant what we are capable of. What the human spirit can accomplish when it is given the opportunity to thrive. I believe the human spirit can be molded to fit whatever situation and dreams lie in our minds, and that we should seek this reality, rather than to fit our spirit to some societal or economical mold. The human spirit thrives on adventure, on the unknown, on the frightening and the exciting. When is the last time you really felt your pulse pick up, or your heart flutter? What do you really want out of life? What would it take to achieve this? What are your goals, hopes, aspirations? What is your greatest fear?
Too often I believe our greatest fear is that we would have the opportunity to accomplish our greatest dream. We fear success, we fear failure, but it is often in those moments when we expose ourselves to fear, when we confront those things in life that truly scare us and make us feel uncomfortable, that we grow and become the people we have the potential to become.
Life is too short to simply follow the flock, to do what we think we should do, rather we should strive for what we desire to do in the deepest part of ourselves, and that springs to the outlying corners of our minds on those days when truly allow ourselves to dream.
This started as a mission statement, but perhaps is closer to a life philosophy. Never let someone else tell you what your dreams are, only you can discern and determine that by deepening your self-knowledge, and your relationship with our Lord and Creator. If something scares you, you will most likely benefit from confronting this fear and not hesitating to follow where this confrontation leads.
When have you felt most alive? What are the moments in your life that cling to your mind and refuse to let go? When have you felt most truly inspired? What does inspire you? If you can answer even some of these questions you are well on your way to finding fulfillment and joy in your life. We need this inspiration, this hope, this living on the edge to push us through what we never thought we could accomplish.
For truly, we are the music-makers and the dreamers of dreams…and if not us, then who?

This time of year

Graduation time. The time for the end of something long-fought and hard-earned, and the beginning of something new. New faces, new locations, new challenges and new struggles. Life is full of these it seems, and never seems to let down. This is why we have decided to do something different. I fear that life will simply lull or pound me into concession and submission. Submission to something I never necessarily asked for, and concession of all the crazy dreams and ideals of youth. So the call is to become the best version of yourself, or so the Matthew Kelly craze of late has termed it. I believe there is a lot of truth to be found in these words, and the real truth of the matter is that what it takes to become that best version of ourselves is very different for each one of us. For me, this means taking some time off with a brother and friend and attempting to travel around the world. Do you ever feel like life here in the states is conducted over some kind of safety net? That all of our risks and struggles are real, but if ever we should fall, there is always someone there to pick us back up again? Well, however unfortunately, I do not feel that this is real life. No one asked any one of us whether we wanted to be born, and the fact that we were born does not entitle us to anything. Perhaps you say it should, that every human person deserves dignity and the right to life, and I agree, and in this great country, the United States of America, these rights are often preserved. But at the same time we are sheltered and coaxed into thinking that we have it the best, and therefore why go anywhere else. That every other country in the world is essentially in disarray, and so there is no need ever to leave. That everything we here have is as it should be, and so we should not protest. Just go on about your life, get yours, and life will be fine. I hesitate, I chafe, I know there is something more and I want a piece of it. I want life to fight back, I want to have to struggle to make things work, I want a little taste of blood in my mouth every once in a while. This comfortable, established, and ordered life is certainly for some, and perhaps will better agree with me at some point as well, but not now. Now I take life by the horns and run with it, run to the far corners of the globe in exploration and expectation of finding the great truths of life hidden in some backwoods or alley gutter. I expect to find it raining in the Amazons of Brazil or in the concise steel structures of Tokyo. Life is lived by exploring new possibilities and new potentials.

The questions are asked: how much money do you have? What about all of the shots, vaccinations, visas, etc.? My answer is another question: how much does it take to travel the world? And are you going to let the little things stop you from chasing your dream?

There is the famous platitude that one should shoot for the moon, and if one fails to reach it, that person will still find themselves among the stars. This trip is not so much about the external reality, but more about what kind of changes and impacts the external reality is going to have on our souls. This trip is a journey of the soul if you will. A quest to find ourselves, with the knowledge that we will be stretched, will be challenged, will have let-downs and triumphs, and at the end that we will come out stronger people for what we have sought and achieved, whether this be an accomplished journey around the world, or simply an expedition to the West Coast and back. And so I venture to ask you:

What are your dreams? And what are you doing to make them a reality in your life?

Good Luck Fr. Dennis!

This picture encapsulates the event that brought three friends together to celebrate the life and ministry of a great man by the name of Fr. Dennis Miller. A priest at St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Student Center since the beginning of my own time there, he has been a support and an inspiration for the family and student communities alike that together comprise the parish population. My time at Iowa State University was challenging as I was forced to confront the realities of life to which I was rarely exposed during the greater part of my life up to that point. I vaguely recall visiting St. Thomas and feeling somewhat comfortable there during one of my first campus visits to Iowa State, but of course it was also quite different from my very conservative and traditional home parish in Rockford, Illinois. Nonetheless, despite the somewhat more scarce periods of kneeling during mass, and the sung Alleluia after the Gospel reading, I adapted and came to enjoy my new experience of Catholicism. Many good friends were an invaluable support during this time, not the least of which being my high school buddy and one of my best friends of all time, Andy May. Other men and women supported me and helped me to see that despite the imperfection of the human elements of Catholicism and the issues with St. Thomas Aquinas as a parish specifically, at the heart lay the reality of an encounter with Christ, and the need to share that with every single person encountered in our lives. This is what Fr. Dennis continually communicated to me, and was one of the reasons that I stuck by the Church, and ultimately served as a leader within it, a peer minister over the course of my junior year at Iowa State.

During this time, Fr. Dennis was the voice of reason and truth, explaining the intricacies of what it takes to become a Catholic priest, and constantly sharing his experience of the faith through discussion, and his wisdom and knowledge through conversation and the passing on of books and catechisms and any resources or materials that he saw fitting to my spiritual needs at that point in time. Fr. Dennis, was, and as I realized upon seeing him this past week, still is a figure that I look up to as a friend, and as a role model. There is a sense about him that inspires some measure of awe in my heart and soul, and I think it is the beauty of his devotion to his vocation. He still never hesitates to offer a smile, and truly carries a deep sense of joy with him that proves contagious to everyone that he meets. He is both a leader and a man of the people. He has left an indelible mark on the students that he has taught and pastored at St. Thomas Aquinas, and I know will continue to do so in the six parishes of his future assignment. I pray that God bless and continue to inspire him, and that the Holy Spirit remain constantly with him that he will possess the strength of faith and passion for people to continue to provide the spiritual sustenance and intellectual challenge that the world needs.

God bless and keep you Father, and thank you for all the ways in which you have impacted my life. I would not be the man I am today without your support and teaching.

Passion

Passion drives us! It fills us and pushes us ever onward, through every trial and struggle. We need it as much it needs us to have a purpose. We feel it in the adrenaline-filled moments that define our lives, and yearn for it in the ordinariness of daily life. Yet where does it go? How in the world does it leave, and where does disembodied passion have to go? Who can it inhabit? These are things we cannot know, and yet we do know when it is there, we know when it fills us, and interestingly enough these occurrences can be pinpointed and linked to certain activities or pursuits in our lives. This is a topic I continually return to, because I feel it is so extremely critical.

Our bishop spoke this past weekend on hearing and following the call of God, and how doing so brings great peace into our lives, and that following our own will or the will of the Evil One will only bring us an ever more profound feeling of desolation. Why in the world would we seek the latter? I would posit that not only does following the will of God bring peace, it also brings passion! It brings with it the pursuit of something greater than ourselves. It is in these moments that we forget ourselves and really look to the joy of those around us that we feel this sense of peace and are filled with these feelings of passion.

I want all of you to have passion in your lives! Chase your dreams and do what you must do in your lives to feel fulfilled! Follow every possibility, pursue every opportunity and never hesitate to improve yourself and yet always look to those around you. Seek love with temperance, success with magnanimity, joy with generosity!

Intimacy

Is it wrong to want a little bit more than the typical interaction of today, where we are connected to the rest of the world through this thing that we call the internet and world wide web, and yet do not even interact with the people that we live with, and much less with the neighbor next door? What is this world coming to when families stay in touch completely digitally and do nothing to go beyond this primitive yet technologically advanced form of communication. All of these developments that happen on a daily basis, that enable each one of us to be an ever more efficient cog in the great machine of an economy like the one in the United States, and by extension a significant cog in the wheels that turn the international economy, seem to draw us farther and farther away from one another. Certainly we are all connected, but in reality we only ever get snippets of one another as we carry on with our constant work. Ironically I write this post, ostensibly hoping that someone will read it, agree with me, write me a brief comment and carry on reading and writing at the lightning pace that we now recognize to be the standard and a good one at that. How far have we come when we are judged on every single thing that we do, that our writing is our speaking, that we live by virtual example? Is this right? Can this even be possible? I used to think of my online presence as an opportunity for fun, and know that plenty of people still treat it as a means of altering themselves from what they actually are in real life, to what they truly want and dream to be online.

Perhaps I am too hasty in writing this off, but I feel that all of us truly need that interpersonal interaction that makes life worth living. Maybe this comes in the form of a spouse or children, or a community in which we live, but if we do not receive this sort of intimacy in our lives, if we do not truly experience the love that sets us apart from the animals, then we are nothing more than they are, running around on little wheels and at the end of the race still nothing more than just rats.

The web and internet that connects us can be a very good thing, as long as at the end it leads us to encounter one another more deeply and grow to understand what life is about and what we are intended to do with it. For life is too short, and nothing can replace the feeling of a hug freely given and freely received. These are the things that make life worth living and without which life becomes terribly lonely and boring. And this is something that not one of us could ever truly desire for our lives in our heart of hearts. Every day I walk around and see people thirsting for attention and a good conversation "in-person". These online chats, and email conversations are great to a point; to keep us in touch, and facilitate communication on events and happenings, but when it comes to real-life questions, how good is it? Really?

Sometimes I desire to run away from it all, from the rat race that encourages us to step on one another in order to get ahead. Every time I am presented with the opportunity my heart immediately gives way for the person that comes after. If I want something badly enough I suppose I will offer up my best effort and hope that I do come out as the selected one, but the more I live, the less I am inclined to compete in this cut-throat economy. Rather teach those who will be going out and making the decisions in this world how to form moral judgments and live lives worth living.

Intimacy is where at all starts. Something that we need throughout our lives, and if we have not found it, it is something that must be the goal of a continual search, until we reach a point that we can speak with anyone and cheer them up. A friend recently told me the story of the young man who was carrying a large load of books home from school one day, and the other young man who saw him get knocked over and ridiculed by another group of boys, and then ultimately decided to help the young man, which lead the two to become the best of friends. From here they reached high school graduation, upon which the young man who had carried the books was named valedictorian, and in making his speech to the graduating class and all present, described how on that day he had cleaned out his locker because he didn't want his mother to have to do it later as he was going home to commit suicide.

Do you think that an email or a Facebook message could have stopped him from doing this? Someone saying that they liked his status or his photo and wanted him to take some meaningless survey would have changed his mind from the act he was well on his way to committing? I don't think so. Yes all of these connections are wonderful, but at the end of the day it comes down to one-on-one interaction, conversation about anything or nothing, that keeps us living and breathing and desiring to keep living and breathing. Argue with me all you want, I will hold this point until the day I die. Life is too short to have only this "impoverished" form of communication with others. It is high time that we stood up from behind our computers and went home and told our mothers that we love them. Sit and listen to what they have to say. I hate to break it to you, but money is not all that matters in this life. Yes it is good to live well, and but how much does it take to live so, and how much of your time are you being forced to sacrifice for this good life?

Perhaps others can live the crazy life, always working, but when I look deep into their eyes and souls I sense a yearning for something more. Yes money is important and we should not forget this, but do not forget about the importance of relationships in your life, the people that are closest to you cannot be replaced and they can disappear in an instant. Facebook, email, all of the things online and internet will be there for a long time to come, but not the people who we should care about the most.

Apathy - Flojera

Is it bad to say that I don't care anymore? How can one be so motivated one day and so uninspired the next? Please don't take this the wrong way, I am fine, but simply consider the question. We here spend our lives building our resumes and impressing people, always inordinately aware of the effect that we are having on people and the subsequent impressions that they are developing about us. Certainly, in the context of this temporal world, these impressions and opinions are significant, but how come I cannot bring myself to mind? Anyone I could cite as a reference would speak well of my character and my ability to see the world so clearly, to enter into a startlingly surprising depth of relationship, however would they really be able to say that I can perform the tasks set in front of me. Perhaps I have been in this academic environment for too long and my judgement is skewed, perhaps I did not sleep well enough last night, perhaps I am sincerely losing my mind, but any of these possibilities notwithstanding, I am so uncertain, so done, so confused about where the future will lead. I am prepared to give myself to anything at this point. To whatever splashes across the radar. I am not thinking clearly at a point in time when this is exactly what is needed. How does it seem that everyone else has the shark-like tenacity and sense of focus to hone in on exactly what they are seeking and to go for it? Why is there this strong sense of confusion, and thereby this sense of apathy - flojera or laziness that overcomes my spirit and leads me to write here instead of doing what I perhaps should be doing to finish my education. How much longer will my sanity hold out? What have I come here to accomplish?

All these questions lead me to think that perhaps I need a nap. I need to work at discerning that to which I am called in this short life. In truth it is not worth it to me to work my tail off so and at the end have only a document to show. I want true progress, true change, true results that I can look back on and feel the joy of accomplishment. Even if what I create may someday be destroyed - something tangible to cling to in my world that is so often governed by the intangible. My heart cries out for life for something real, for something that cannot be quantified into anything real, that cannot be put into words but must be lived! Write I gibberish, or write I something that gets at the heart of our existence? Are we but rats or are we men? What do we here seek to achieve? To establish systems and societies that organize our lives, but dampen our spirits? My heart is not found in such things, my heart is found outside the box, at times outside myself.

For what do we need the system? For what the order and associated complications in life? I am sick of organized and logical arguments. I can feel inside the truth of what I believe and I simply want to live without being bound by the structures that surround me on all sides. Are you with me? Or does it matter? For these things get at the deepest part of me, which is unlike anyone else in this world, and perhaps only God can understand....

Overwriting

I think I am somewhat resolved to the fact that the United States' economy calls us all to this harried pace, which in many cases does not allow us to think about our lives meanwhile they fly by us, and we are left lost as to the reasons why we have chosen anything that is currently a part of our lives. Perhaps I overreact and am not thinking clearly, and perhaps I am simply lazy, and based on this last opinion I am starting to try to pick up the pace a bit. But I will say that I will never go so fast as to sacrifice who I am in favor of anything financial. Though I see that hard work does indeed pay off, I am uncertain that this is truly going to prove fulfilling for me in life. For the moment yes I need work hard and push to fulfill all the obligations put upon me, however I am not beholden to anything in this world beyond my life within it. Once this is done, no one can hold me to them, and so up to this point I have lived my life quite recklessly, but I daresay, quite daringly as well. Maybe I have a misconceived notion of daring, but I believe this is simply being willing and ready to greet whatever circumstance and to always follow your heart wherever it may lead.

I do not want the conventional life. I do not want to work forty hours a week and come home every night to my family awaiting me, or maybe I do, but not today, not tomorrow, not for a long time to come. I want the world, I want to touch the person that lives in you and call him or her out to live the life that is greater! To reach up to God in love, and then be able to reach out to one another. To change the face of this planet by your simply living inspired! You cannot be anyone other than yourself, but we all need to be inspired to do so. If your life is boring to you, change it, find a way to make it more interesting, regardless of what changes this may take. If you cannot change the big picture, alter the little things, make arrangements to do something fun every day, something that inspires you and fills you up and enables you to push on.

Perhaps I am a dreamer, and I know that I may be. But all I want from you is that you would dream too. That together we change this world to make it a place where everyone has the opportunity to achieve their dreams. Unfortunately we are right now in a great quandary. There are so many who squander the opportunities they have been given, and others who have ten times the inspiration of those who have squandered, and yet have nothing before them but poverty and endless restrictions and red tape.

What about these members of society? Do they get to dream? Let us hope that in the time to come we change our own lives and hearts so that we can dream, and so that our dreams help make it possible for others to realize their hopes and dreams. There are so many voices telling us that these things are black and white, but they are not. It takes a lifetime to come to know oneself, and around ever corner is a new opportunity to learn about ourselves and to adjust our lives to better include these so that we may live each day truly inspired and truly alive! And the bigger question, and greater difficulty is what a friend of mine once had posted on her door, that our job, our vocation, our mission, is that which lies, "where your greatest passion meets the world's greatest need". Or something to this effect...I think we have something to learn from this...

Keep living and learning and loving...together we will find our way, in the light of God's ever present, ever living Truth. Onward Christian soldiers!

Fire and Eyes

Has anyone ever asked you what you live for? Have you ever asked yourself? What is is that makes you jump out of bed every day and greet the day, eager to continue along the path that is your life? Is there anything in particular?

I live to see people come alive, to see the fire of passion for life rise inside of them and overcome them, and they are filled with joy and the inspiration to push on. When I see someone in despair it is as if my own heart sinks with them. I love when I see love, I despair when I see despair, I hope when I see hope, I can identify and empathize with any feeling. But I most love when people come alive. I have seen this in people's eyes, there are movies in which the camera zooms to the eyes as they observe the bonfire behind the camera and the reflection of the flames roil off the lens of the protagonist, however the fire burns so much brighter and truer in real life. It flows from the soul up through the corpus and into the ever-expressing, ever-observing, ever-readable eyes. The flame burns inside, and the person smiles and life is right again.

It has taken me my lifetime to figure out that I don't know exactly what makes me come alive, but I know when I feel it. Thus the importance of grasping those moments and situations in which our hearts are light and our love is true, remembering them and treasuring them and recreating them and reliving them at every possible opportunity. The road to fulfilling life begins with self-understanding. What do you enjoy? From there stem all the good things that God has in store for us in this life. For God truly wants for us what we most want in the truest part of ourselves. In being true to ourselves, to our desires, hopes, and dreams, we are being true to God. Be faithful, believe, and to thine own self be true, and you will be amazed at what you and God can do.

Blogging

I regret to say that I think I have misunderstood the concept of blogging. I initially ventured into the blogosphere as a means for expressing my thoughts for all to see and hear. At the very first I suppose this was a means for me to share with the family back home the experiences in Peru and other assorted places to which I have had the opportunity to travel over the years. I never intended to develop a readership, nor advertise on this site, nor do anything that would in any way benefit me, whether financially or in terms of self-esteem. I do not know that I went into it with the wrong ideas in my head, or whether perhaps some of the other writers in the blogosphere have it wrong. What am I to do? I wonder as to making money at a trade that consists of converting one set of words to another set of words, only that the first set is unintelligible to the readers of the second set, and vice-versa. I suppose it is only that I have a hard time financing my life with work done purely on a computer, and work whose effect I hardly ever get a chance to see. I have a high respect for the freelance translator who does nothing more than translate, and I also cannot understand sometimes how we can benefit financially from something that we compose in our minds and throw up on the internet. Should we benefit from such things? I feel at times as though everything in this world is going a hundred miles an hour and I cannot slow down to enjoy one instant of this rapidly passing time. I have these moments where I vent, center, and then move on to live life once again, but I don't know that it is possible to truly live a life of continuity that does not at some point require a stopping and a reorientation to what I want out of life.

Sometimes I pine for the simplicity of youth, for the days in which success was measured by the number of apples you could gather from the orchard, or how long you could stay in the mud-pit that you deemed a lake in the back pasture. When did life become so complicated, and why? I have been fortunate to experience many things in my young life, and I know that they are all combining to lead to a fulfilling adult life, but I cannot yet make the leap. It is as if I am stuck in neutral, and am waiting for that push that will allow the engine to start and life to continue in the way that I have both dreamed and imagined it!

Christmas is a wonderful time to be home with family and friends, and I truly cherish every moment. I wish that days could be as simple as this, and I suppose that this is always an option. To settle down right next door to mom and dad and work and live life in this way, but my heart calls me onward to something more. I yearn to return to El Salvador and Cuba and to go across the world! My heart is restless for adventures that can be neither expressed nor read in written words. I long to feel alive again, to experience fulfillment in my heart by giving to someone else on the other side of the world. By climbing that mountain, by not waiting to achieve the dreams that I have dreamed! I want to wait no longer, I need to do this. My heart is ready, and in short order so will be my circumstances.

Writing

You ever have those days when the words seem to flow in all that you do, you sit down to journal over that first cup of coffee and the words literally leap onto the page? The mind is racing so fast that neither the hand, nor the keys on the keyboard can keep up with all the things that you have to say! And then the day moves on and the ideas slow down to the pace of your hands, and then fade to the point that the mind can no longer keep up with the hands. There is this window of time, at least for me in which writing flows and goes and I do not question what I write, but later reflect on it and find insight in what I wrote. Sometimes I think it is like that comedy in which Homer gives a wonderful presentation or platform for some political campaign, wins, and then wakes up from the coma and asks what happened. Writing is sometimes like this, that you cannot control or regulate it when it comes but must allow yourself to be the lightning rod by which it flows onto the page or computer screen. I wish that so many things in life could be more explicitly explained, put into a box and sold, but this is not one of them. This is a gift from God, the ability to allow your body to be an extension of the mind that lives and breathes and contemplates within us, ever refining the thoughts that sometimes shoot out like this, that fill the page, that form the static that we must wade through every day of our lives, or the words of wisdom that free us from the chains of bondage, or enlighten us to try another way, to seek something new. Words are the most powerful instrument in the world, if they are well strung. Like a piece of music that can uplift or destroy our resolve, such power do words have as well, and I want to let them flow, want them to take on lives of their own and inspire each one of you to live to your greatest potential and to never let go of the dreams that first inspired you to do anything in this life. No dream is too crazy, we always have hope no matter how hopeless the situation may seem, and above all have no fear! BE NOT AFRAID! All fear will do is prevent us from reaching our fullest potential in this life. And each one of us can achieve so much if we just let our gifts flow and give them where they are needed. Let us use each day to help us better understand how we may take up this role in the world! And if you ever need words of inspiration, you know where to look!

End of Finals Week

Fatigue and confusion threaten to overcome me at the end of what has been a whirlwind past couple of weeks. I still have much to do, including grading the volumes of student exams that remain in my possession. After administering them this afternoon, there was both the levity of the end, and the weight of grading them that still bears on my mind. And yet I suppose that the end has come for the time in which we had opportunity to give our all, to learn, to discover and to implement the new skills we gained. Is the real world truly this way? Do we simply cram things into our minds long enough to pass an exam and then promptly forget it all? I question the nature of our education. Perhaps there are some, even many that can learn in this environment, but I find it toxic to my own learning. I learn of course, and these thoughts are by no means a reflection on the quality of my professors, whose gifts continue to impress me more by day. I am left simply reeling at the sheer volume of work that those in academia are expected to process and produce. I struggle to organize myself long enough to endure a semester. Is it the nature of this school only? Or is this the nature of academia across the country? Are all people so divorced from society and their own personal lives due to the time required to be a good professor/instructor/graduate student?

My mind is still a mess with regard to all of this, and I think it will take some time for me to get my bearings. Sleep would be a good place to start. But I simply wanted to throw out some questions at this moment. I suppose that I have benefited quite a bit from the system, which may take some of the wind from my sails, insofar as I cannot very well critique something from which I have gained so much. Education I will say and always will defend is a great opportunity, a gift that we should all treasure. For truly, our knowledge is one of those intangibles that can never be taken from us, that remains despite any action committed against our bodies or any other part of our physical reality. At the same time, are there better ways of educating ourselves?

I wonder at the difference in education across the world and the type of students and individuals created as a result. Certainly scare tactics and indoctrination are not the best course for education, however I know plenty of people, born and raised outside the United States, who know the geography of North America better than I could have ever imagined was possible for a student in the US, much less for someone from the other side of the world. What are we seeking though? Wealth? Hope for a better life? At what cost...that of someone else's poverty, or the loss of our lives and relationships because we lose that fragile balance that allows us to work hard and yet maintain friends and relationships. What is life truly about? Why are we here? Is it true that we make ourselves? And if so, how is this done?

I am intrigued as ever, by the answers that Christianity has to offer. I believe that in the absence of Christian ideals for which to strive, life offers little other than banalities to distract us from the fact that we have no direction in life. Only endless pursuits of temporal things that will not last beyond this life. What do you want your life to be for? How do you want to spend the finite amount of time you are given upon this earth, in this world, this existence in a vast, glorious and beautiful universe.

Choose wisely, and this life can be fulfilling for you and those around you. And always ask questions, for they lead us to the truth that governs all, and shows the path to true freedom, and thereby true contentment in this crazy world.

Merry Christmas! Go home and spend time with those you love. You deserve it and so do they. And thank God for all that He has given you. For no matter how little or much you have, you are blessed in that you live. In that you have the opportunity to make a difference in this world, in that your life could count for something, could mean something, could change the world. Fear not, and follow your heart, and let your life be phenomenal!

The day everything made sense...

And then...everything made sense. I understood what I needed to do to be effective in my teaching. Something clicked, by the grace of God. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed teaching a class. I realize that the method that I had been using before had been usurping my abilities as a teacher, and that I teach better by another way. Yes there is a way that we are supposed to teach department wide, but it also requires adaptation to each individual instructor.

Most likely I am having a very good day, that will later come crashing down on me, but for the time being I am enjoying myself and look forward to a trip to the airport this afternoon. I sometimes forget how much I am impacted by the energy of those around me, and despite the fact that part of the class was boring today, I feel that the students actually grasped what in the world we were doing, for we have embarked on one of the more difficult topics - the subjunctive of the Spanish language.

Despite the fact that there are days in which I wish I had never come here, I realize that I am learning so many good things and gaining so much positive experience that will serve me well in the future, or I should say rather, will serve the path on which I am going. Thank you Lord for such a glorious day! I do not doubt that you have granted it in response to my continual prayers, and I call on you all to talk to our Lord, communicate with Him, speak to Him about your life, but more importantly listen, and He will lead you in His ways, which we cannot always understand, but will ultimately lead us to the most fulfilling lives we could possibly have on the face of this earth.

I am so inspired to write again, and I do not doubt that it is because I have made the Lord a priority once again in my life. God is great, all the time, and we all need to remember this always, for in giving him the appropriate praise and thanksgiving, He will return to us a million-fold. Have faith, the Lord is with you.

Retreat

Retreat literally means to get away, to seclude ourselves, and in our sense of the term here, it means to do so with a group of people, centering ourselves around a deeper understanding of the Truth that flows from God. And this is what we did this past weekend, making prayer, or communication with our Lord, the focus of our efforts. The introduction to and practice of new prayer forms did much for my understanding of what prayer is, but more importantly I learned the significance of and need for emphasis that we need to put on prayer in our lives. Everything we do, consider, discuss, should stem from our prayer lives. As true Christians and followers of God, nothing should stem from our own self-controlling will, but rather work in cooperation with what God is showing us in our lives; ever informed by our lives of prayer.

I cannot stress how important prayer is to all of our decisions and to our ultimate discovery of happiness, or our falling into despair. It is amazing how the practices that do not necessarily work against God, but do nothing positive for our bodies and persons lead us steadily away from what it means to be a true follower of Christ. Nothing should ever stand between us and our seeking this relationship. It should not matter where we are or what we have to accomplish, this always has to take priority, and I think that letting go of our ideas of controlling our lives is an important step in this process. If not we are likely to take the position that we here in the States so often do: "I don't have time!" Make time! For if we do not make time for God, neither are we making time for ourselves. For only God can know what will fulfill us in this life, even as much as we think we ourselves know how it should be. We do not!

This does not mean that we sit down on the ground and say, "God tell me what to do with my life!" No, rather it means that we develop our prayer lives and hence our relationship to Him, we set aside time by going to Mass or church service and grow our knowledge and understanding of him through discussion, Bible study, and catechism. Then we live our lives, following our hearts and our informed consciences, and the eternal spirit that lives within us will guide us in the ways of God, because our person has been filled up and informed on God, and the eternal spirit that lives within us can work in harmony with the body, heart, and mind that make up the rest of our personhood.

God is great, and gives us so many good things and so many clear signs. It is certainly high time that I accept what He has called me to in my own life, surrendering my will to His, in the knowledge that He knows the desires of my heart, and that my heart, my mind, my entire person, will not rest until it rests in Him.

I pray that you would all open your lives to the Word of God, and the words God has to share with you in prayer. Be always willing to serve Him, no matter what He calls you to. For we cannot know where to find joy, other than in Him, and if we take joy in seeking to follow Him, it will not matter what we do, for we will have Him always to sustain us and bring fulfillment to our lives!